I don't even know If i should be posting on a sexual abuse forum. Sometimes I think I wasn't even abused, that it was all my fault. Not all the time though. I have this on going battle in my head about whether what happened was wrong or right.
If it was all my fault then why do I feel so horrible about it everyday? Why do I feel affected by it three years later. It really has changed my whole life and the person I am.
When I was 16 I started dating a drug dealer ( 20 ) who lived in a different country. I would travel every two months to see him and would spend several weeks with him ( The only reason I didn't live there was because my parents where trying to keep me in school ) . After 6 months of back and fourth I got caught up in serious drinking and drugs. I would go two weeks without being sober. i would drink everyday, smoke pot, take speed and became addicted to prescription medication ( that i bought from other people ) . I just wasn't myself and I lost control for awhile. Lost sight of the good person I was.
Me, my boyfriend and some friends decided to go really hard one night and buy a bottle of bacardi 151. I had told him before that I didn't feel very well ( I never felt well anymore ) and that I would go to bed soon. Me being very foolish and naive I also asked him if i got too drunk to put me too bed. Im a fool for allowing him to look after me.
After that first sip the rest is a huge blank. I don't know if its because I have mentally pushed it away or I was so drunk. I remember asking my boyfriend to have sex with me. I was so close to passing out, I can barely remember it. I felt him take me into the bedroom and have sex with me.
Another blank. I can feel more then one person touching me. It just keeps blanking. I dont know at this point if im passing out or just horrificly drunk
I start to come around. Im not actually in a bedroom with my boyfriend. He is having sex with me infront of a full room of people, and letting his best friend have sex with me aswel. Both taking turns.
I hear him say " Its Ok dude, she said it herself she wants too f*ck. Dont be worried, she's my girlfriend and I'm giving you permission. I wont be angry "
Suddenly a friend at the time is on top of me, kissing me, while the other two continue to have sex with me. I fight them off and pull myself to the floor. My legs wont work and im blanking out. I demand to leave and go home. I can remember walking home but i keep falling over. One of the guys is with me who is not my boyfriend. A car goes past and honks. My entire top half is exposed, i am completely topless. The guy is trying to have sex with me again, on the side of the street. I run as fast as i can home. I wake up with bloody knees and I'm still horribly drunk.
They told me i agreed to it all , but i felt disgusting , and mortified. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I couldn't stand the thought of those people seeing me naked and i felt invaded.
what if i did ask for it? What if its my own fault that I live in this nightmare.
I despise sex now. I only have one night stands. I can't stand sex in a relationship. It changed my whole world. And i just can't get past it no matter how hard I try. I just can't stop thinking how I caused this whole mess.
If it was all my fault then why do I feel so horrible about it everyday? Why do I feel affected by it three years later. It really has changed my whole life and the person I am.
When I was 16 I started dating a drug dealer ( 20 ) who lived in a different country. I would travel every two months to see him and would spend several weeks with him ( The only reason I didn't live there was because my parents where trying to keep me in school ) . After 6 months of back and fourth I got caught up in serious drinking and drugs. I would go two weeks without being sober. i would drink everyday, smoke pot, take speed and became addicted to prescription medication ( that i bought from other people ) . I just wasn't myself and I lost control for awhile. Lost sight of the good person I was.
Me, my boyfriend and some friends decided to go really hard one night and buy a bottle of bacardi 151. I had told him before that I didn't feel very well ( I never felt well anymore ) and that I would go to bed soon. Me being very foolish and naive I also asked him if i got too drunk to put me too bed. Im a fool for allowing him to look after me.
After that first sip the rest is a huge blank. I don't know if its because I have mentally pushed it away or I was so drunk. I remember asking my boyfriend to have sex with me. I was so close to passing out, I can barely remember it. I felt him take me into the bedroom and have sex with me.
Another blank. I can feel more then one person touching me. It just keeps blanking. I dont know at this point if im passing out or just horrificly drunk
I start to come around. Im not actually in a bedroom with my boyfriend. He is having sex with me infront of a full room of people, and letting his best friend have sex with me aswel. Both taking turns.
I hear him say " Its Ok dude, she said it herself she wants too f*ck. Dont be worried, she's my girlfriend and I'm giving you permission. I wont be angry "
Suddenly a friend at the time is on top of me, kissing me, while the other two continue to have sex with me. I fight them off and pull myself to the floor. My legs wont work and im blanking out. I demand to leave and go home. I can remember walking home but i keep falling over. One of the guys is with me who is not my boyfriend. A car goes past and honks. My entire top half is exposed, i am completely topless. The guy is trying to have sex with me again, on the side of the street. I run as fast as i can home. I wake up with bloody knees and I'm still horribly drunk.
They told me i agreed to it all , but i felt disgusting , and mortified. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I couldn't stand the thought of those people seeing me naked and i felt invaded.
what if i did ask for it? What if its my own fault that I live in this nightmare.
I despise sex now. I only have one night stands. I can't stand sex in a relationship. It changed my whole world. And i just can't get past it no matter how hard I try. I just can't stop thinking how I caused this whole mess.
