I Can't Trust Myself Enough To Be In A Relationship

[Dillon]

I have PTSD from a few things in my childhood, one of those things was living in a household where my mother was abused by her partner. He was a violent, abusive and manipulative alcoholic that would torture both mentally and physically. From that I have developed a profound respect for women and the idea of ever hitting a woman makes me feel sick to think about.

However one of the major symptoms I suffer with is anger outbursts. I have been told my my previous partner and my mum that I did scare her when I flew off the handle. I've never really hated myself more than when I was told that. Each of my two relationships have ended because of this and/or an unwilling to open up (feel like I'm preaching to the choir a little)

I just physically can't trust myself to be with anyone anymore. If a girl shows even the slightest interest in me, and regardless of how I feel about her, I push that person as far away from me as possible. It feels like I don't even realise that's what I'm doing until it's done, I just switch to autopilot and autopilot is on a death mission.

 

[Abstract]

I am sorry Dillon. :( These are things you can change. I hope you continue working on healing. Maybe stay out of love relationships at present. Have you done any anger management courses?

 

[Dillon]

Not yet, I'm still really new to my PTSD however I am waiting to hear when my counselling is will begin and it's something I was going to talk to him/her about.

Thank you for the kind words, Abstract.

 

[Abstract]

If you have not even started therapy yet then you have a world of possible healing open before you. Work hard at it and you can change a lot. I wish you well.