Five years ago I was assaulted by a police officer. He insisted that I was someone else that he had arrested before, and my telling him otherwise only made him angrier. He told me to allow someone in my bedroom that had stolen from me before. I thought that I was within my rights (and legally I was) but he proceeded to arrest me. Even though I was 50 with severe medical problems, he used excessive force, caused a torn rotator cuff, concussion, hand problems and more. He took me to the hospital and told me how I would be hosed down at the jail afterwards as well as much emotional abuse for about an hour. I became numb-I guess dissociated. He was given orders to bring me straight to magistrate (no prints or photo) and the magistrate yelled at him, stating I was a victim. I was known throughout the magistrate office by staff because I spent almost 10 years working an counseling victims, many who had claimed similar police abuse. I was sent home. This was the beginning of my ptsd. It ignited other trauma's in my life that had long at rest. I have healed only minimally in these years and it is with me everyday of my life. I have hated this man since. There is not another human being I could say that about. I have prayed, rationalized, but nothing has helped.
A few weeks ago, I was at this local restaurant/bar in my neighborhood. It is one of the very few places I go to socialize. I go with female friends and there is smoking allowed in the back room where gambling machines are. Early evening is a mixed age group but a lot of middle aged people as myself. After apx 10 pm, the bar fills with young people and many college kids, therefore, they hire 2 officers to stand around the doors-I suppose to prevent fights and such. About three weeks ago, I was there with friends later than usual. I came out of the back room to go to the bathroom and saw this officer and he saw me. I froze. First I went back in the smoking room to my friends and was having tough time holding back tears. I had only had 2 drinks in 4 hours there gabbing with friends, but had this panic that he would send a buddy to pull me over when I left or do something else. Even though I was a bit teared up, I was able to collect myself and walked out to the bar area. I stood there and he stared straight at me. I waved and he waved back. I cant remember exactly what I said but was polite and clear that I would not me a smart ass.
I walked up to him and said basically-I guess you remember me and he said he did. I said that I am in no way here to argue, that it has been 5 years since you did this to me, and I have carried hate for you in my heart everyday, and that I know this is not your problem as it does not hurt you, but it hurts me and has changed the person that I was, it has changed my life completely, that I pray to find a way to forgive you. I told him that there is no other person that I have carried hate for and I just dont know what to do with it, and that I dont want to have hate in my heart. All the while, I was holding back tears. I was completely genuine, and also knew that it was probably stupid approaching him. He said-I heard you talked to my partner the other day. (I had to because she is in computer crimes and my 16 yr old mentally challenged grandaughter had been missing for over a week and had been found the night before). I said, yes I had spoke with her. About that time, the other officer grabbed him up and said there was a fight or something in the parking lot. I went back in the smoking room. While I could have come back out and continued-I did not need to and had no desire.
I cant describe what happened inside of me when I did this. He said nothing. He tried to maintain his polite officer smile, but was not grinning or demeaning in anyway. Legally, it would be foolish for him to apologize or discuss and he did not. He just listened and even changed the subject. There was a sense of validation-that we both know what happened that night. If there were not legal things still going on, there might have been an apology, but I doubt that too. Since then, there has been a sense of forgiveness and I dont understand why. I did not see or sense regret or compassion in him. I saw the human in him, maybe a sense of disconnection in him. I sensed a very injured person in him. He is a relatively good looking man and his demeaner reminded me of a peacock standing there. My feelings did not change immediately, I left in fear of being pulled over, and a bit emotional that I had made this contact at all. But over the next week or so, I realized that my hate had decreased to more of a dislike, but for the behavior and not the cop. Its not gone, but its only half as powerful. Maybe just saying how his behavior effected me was a bit empowering. I was not rude, I spoke softly and there was even kindness in my words. I owned my feelings. Maybe hating him has been a defense mechanism that I think keeps me safe (unconsciously). I am really confused about what changed.
I welcome any feedback. Many never have the opportunity to confront the abuse that caused ptsd. I always felt that if the chief of police, magistrate, prosecutor, etc-from the beginning would have set a meeting and admitted that this should never happened, I think I may have healed much better. Since they would never do that because of liability, its like there is this unspoken/sealed lips group that condones this behavior, even though it may not be the case.
A few weeks ago, I was at this local restaurant/bar in my neighborhood. It is one of the very few places I go to socialize. I go with female friends and there is smoking allowed in the back room where gambling machines are. Early evening is a mixed age group but a lot of middle aged people as myself. After apx 10 pm, the bar fills with young people and many college kids, therefore, they hire 2 officers to stand around the doors-I suppose to prevent fights and such. About three weeks ago, I was there with friends later than usual. I came out of the back room to go to the bathroom and saw this officer and he saw me. I froze. First I went back in the smoking room to my friends and was having tough time holding back tears. I had only had 2 drinks in 4 hours there gabbing with friends, but had this panic that he would send a buddy to pull me over when I left or do something else. Even though I was a bit teared up, I was able to collect myself and walked out to the bar area. I stood there and he stared straight at me. I waved and he waved back. I cant remember exactly what I said but was polite and clear that I would not me a smart ass.
I walked up to him and said basically-I guess you remember me and he said he did. I said that I am in no way here to argue, that it has been 5 years since you did this to me, and I have carried hate for you in my heart everyday, and that I know this is not your problem as it does not hurt you, but it hurts me and has changed the person that I was, it has changed my life completely, that I pray to find a way to forgive you. I told him that there is no other person that I have carried hate for and I just dont know what to do with it, and that I dont want to have hate in my heart. All the while, I was holding back tears. I was completely genuine, and also knew that it was probably stupid approaching him. He said-I heard you talked to my partner the other day. (I had to because she is in computer crimes and my 16 yr old mentally challenged grandaughter had been missing for over a week and had been found the night before). I said, yes I had spoke with her. About that time, the other officer grabbed him up and said there was a fight or something in the parking lot. I went back in the smoking room. While I could have come back out and continued-I did not need to and had no desire.
I cant describe what happened inside of me when I did this. He said nothing. He tried to maintain his polite officer smile, but was not grinning or demeaning in anyway. Legally, it would be foolish for him to apologize or discuss and he did not. He just listened and even changed the subject. There was a sense of validation-that we both know what happened that night. If there were not legal things still going on, there might have been an apology, but I doubt that too. Since then, there has been a sense of forgiveness and I dont understand why. I did not see or sense regret or compassion in him. I saw the human in him, maybe a sense of disconnection in him. I sensed a very injured person in him. He is a relatively good looking man and his demeaner reminded me of a peacock standing there. My feelings did not change immediately, I left in fear of being pulled over, and a bit emotional that I had made this contact at all. But over the next week or so, I realized that my hate had decreased to more of a dislike, but for the behavior and not the cop. Its not gone, but its only half as powerful. Maybe just saying how his behavior effected me was a bit empowering. I was not rude, I spoke softly and there was even kindness in my words. I owned my feelings. Maybe hating him has been a defense mechanism that I think keeps me safe (unconsciously). I am really confused about what changed.
I welcome any feedback. Many never have the opportunity to confront the abuse that caused ptsd. I always felt that if the chief of police, magistrate, prosecutor, etc-from the beginning would have set a meeting and admitted that this should never happened, I think I may have healed much better. Since they would never do that because of liability, its like there is this unspoken/sealed lips group that condones this behavior, even though it may not be the case.
