I Deserve These Nightmares

[FindingMyself88]

Ok so last week me and my therapist were talking about the rape and about how I have opened up and told a few people. The common thing I am asked and then told is "Why didn't I report it?" and then "You know he is probably doing this to other young women." We start EMDR tomorrow on the rape for the now 3rd time. First time I had dissociated too much of it. Then the second time I was not in a safe enough place.

Here is the thing.. I don't know him, I don't even know his name. It was dark and all I know is he is white and has curly dark hair. I lived with college roommates and one went through boyfriends like candy. It was a random friend of a current boyfriend of hers. She let them all come and stay the night, they were high and drunk. Her and her boyfriend left to get something and he came in while I was asleep and raped me. I was too ashamed. I should've locked my door! I KNEW guys were staying the night. My roommate didn't even know the guy!

So, back to talking with my T. We were talking about what people were asking and my therapist told me that if at any point I felt I wanted to report him, she would be by my side, go with me to the station and court if it went that far. But it would basically be my word against his. Plus growing up my parents were in a fierce custody battle and my real dad was physically abusive. Mom was emotionally but I didn't know it at the time. Anyways despite the bruises, broken bones, sexual abuse from his current wife, "kidnapping (where he took off with me)".... the courts didn't do anything but put me through literal emotional hell. So I cannot face court again, even the thought of Jury Duty terrifies me.

My T understands and says this is fine, that the important thing is me being able to heal. Basically what she is suppose to say. Others say they don't blame me and its not my fault, but I feel like they are secretly judging me for not reporting him.

The past few nights I have had nightmares of somehow finding out who the bastard was and taking him to court. They had me up on the stand and everyone is laughing at me and yelling at me, telling me I'm a liar while he is in front of me telling me the things he told me on that night in a whisper so no one else could hear... He told me that "I knew I wanted it. I didn't want to be the only one not getting laid that night. That I was fat bitch and that I was lucky to even get it."

I deserve these nightmares. I deserve them for not reporting him when I could. I should've. I deserve them for not locking my door.

It feels like it's all one big nightmare and I can't wake up.

 

[joeylittle]

No, you don't deserve the nightmares.

Dreams/nightmares are generally considered to be the remnants of our most recurring thoughts - even the thoughts we aren't totally conscious to.

And you are feeling a lot of guilt over not reporting, it sounds like.

I have that too.

Try and remember that you will need to work through that guilt in therapy, just like you are working through the pain and fear and everything else. It will take awhile.

Meanwhile, as best you can, try and remember that you didn't commit the crime, your rapist did. And it is very reasonable for you to be afraid of the legal system, given your early exposures to it.

My therapist has said that it might end up being important for me to go in and make a report, even though my statute of limitations is passed. But he's saying important FOR ME; not for the rest of the world.

You are allowed to be recovering. You don't also have to be challenging a deep fear at the same time.

 

[Em C.]

Of course you don't deserve them! You didn't deserve to be raped by not locking your door; you were in your own house! And reporting is a horrible process and if you didn't know who it was it would have been even more of a stressful experience. My boss reported my ex-bf to the cops and even though I was co-operating they called me a liar and put me in interrogation. The people who say you should have just reported it have intolerance based on they have probably never been in a dangerous situation where it would even be a consideration. They could be secretly judging you but you can't think about that-- who are they to judge and evaluate a situation that awful?

*hugs*

 

[Seagreen]

I dont blame or judge you for not reporting him. Anyone that does, does so because they dont understand. That is their ignorance. Not your fault at all. Im sure if the situation were reversed they would understand why so many victims do not report rape. No one deserves to suffer like this.

The guy who raped you is sick twisted man. You take no Responsibility for his actions. If he does it again it is because he is a rapist not because you didn't report him.

You were not "lucky to even get it ". Rape is an act of Violence that completely violates a persons physical and emotional well being. You have so much more worth than that. You don't deserve any act of violence committed against you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Most people don't understand the process of reporting. They don't understand how the judicial system treats victims like dirt. They understand none of this. Its your decision as to whether or not report. A court case could put you in a VERY bad place, so if someone does report, I encourage them to be ready for the VERY worst that could possibly happen, as it could very well push you to the darkest of places and practically kill you. Yep, been there, and my reporting did in fact mentally push me to the edge. I'm lucky to be alive. I don't say this as a way of discouraging people from reporting, rather your health is THE most important thing. We all know how very few victims get justice. So weighing one against the other, unfortunately it is oftentimes better for the victim to work on healing rather than fight for justice. But again, so many people don't know this. They think its just like TV. If you're raped, you have an awesome cop like Olivia Benson to walk you through it all, from the hospital to the court room. Well, real life is a far cry from TV.

But, no, you don't deserve these nightmares. I hope you can find a way of not putting yourself through a guilt trip for not reporting him. I hate to say it, but it sounds like you're being re-victimized all over again. HE was the one who did wrong, NOT you. Thus, you do not deserve to be ridiculed for not reporting him.

PS If you get jury duty, you can SO pull the PTSD card on that one. (And I rarely advocate 'pulling the PTSD card' but yeah, this is one time you really should do it.) I was summoned a few years ago and I freaked out. I can't remember what my dad put down on the form, but I was able to get out of it. The last thing they want is someone who could get triggered during a trial.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm sorry for what you've lived through, and you're ongoing struggles. If you don't mind accepting a virtual hug, (()).

This is all coulda, shoulda, woulda but underneath that I think you're being too hard on yourself. Any form of self-blame is harmful, and right now you have to be watchful for any form of self-blame, and reject it outright.

Besides, healing one's wounds is taking action against your abuser. Think about it this way, by healing yourself, and coming onto this forum, and showing the incredible strength it takes to post your story, believe me, you're taking action. Others will read this, the thoughts are infectious, and your bravery may just inspire others to say No. Bravery is contagious, and that stops this shit from happening.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you everyone... It's like I can tell myself that logically or I would a friend, but I can't believe it emotionally.. I did see my therapist today and we started EMDR. I wrote down the dream for her to read since I knew I wouldn't be able to say it. She said sounded like a fear dream due to my experiences with court and that people keep bringing it up.

I am emotionally drained from EMDR, but we really broke through some walls. It is near impossible for me to cry. Like it is an automatic response to fight it because all my life I have been told by my mom and dad not to cry. My mom "said" with the way she acted that my feelings did not matter, only hers. My real dad literally told me if I cried the beatings would be worse. So for me to cry in therapy is huge. I've shed a few tears before but this was sobbing, holding back wails, etc. My therapist was very proud of me for not dissociating. Then after the session we took a walk... which was different. But last month after our session I physically could not leave because I was in crisis mode and so I think this was her way of making sure I'm okay. So we walked up and down the street and talked about things to keep me busy until our next session in two days.

@joeylittle and @Em C. I have a hard time believing it isn't my fault because I should have locked the door. I knew guys were staying and I wasn't comfortable. Plus I normally always lock my bedroom door anyways since one of my last roommates was psycho (long story). Had I locked the door, it would not have happened.

@Solara You are so right (all of you)- courts suck! Today we realized my fear of courts run deep, and police officers. They would let me dad run away with me to other states and keep me. Not to mention the abuse and such. The judges would say unless my life was in actual jeopardy they were not taking custody from my dad. Despite the doctor's and therapist's suggestions. Sure, bruises and broken bones aren't abuse. My therapist even said it was detrimental to my mental health... look where that got me!

Thank you for the tip on the jury duty. I will so pull that card. I would be a complete mess if they tried to make me do it. Even with Bristol there, Bristol would be alerting non stop and doing her job which would be a disturbance.

 

[WillyKat]

I have that issue all the time, of knowing something analytically but not feeling it. I believe it's common w/ PTSD. Then every once in a while, like a week ago, the emotion hits me and I know the thing oh so much better, deeper, and with meaning. Some of those moments aren't much fun, but they are all worth it for their healing benefits.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@WillyKat yeah I think that happened yesterday. Normally even if I do cry in therapy it's just a few tears but yesterday I actually sobbed. I still fought it because I could feel the wails behind it but my mind refused to let those come out. But at the end I think it was a little more clear to me about how much I had lost. Then it took nearly 30 minutes before I could tell my therapist what had come up but I did which is huge because normally I can't.