Sexual Assault I Didn't Want To Look Like A Doll - Muru's Story

[Muruluisku]

I want these bad memories out of my head... Will they go away if I write them out? I read from a magazine that it had helped some people who struggled with flashbacks. I guess my descriptions are vivid as they feel like they're happening now when I remember it. How is it possible to remember so vividly when I was so little? My other, happy childhood memories are nowhere near as clear as these ones... Have I got a sick, twisted mind?

Thanks for being okay about me writing these memories out a bit childish, like Lucy said I guess these memories are stored with the little girl inside...
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" I think its my fourth birthday, Im wearing the same dress that I wore at my party. I have pictures of me in that dress on my album, blowing out four candles. I'm allowed to play outside while mummy is tidying up. It's soon tea time. Daddy is tinkering with our car in our garage. I go and help. Daddy says I might get my dress dirty, but I want to see what daddy is doing.

The baddie uncle cycles past our house. He stops and rides over, hopping off his bike. He talks to daddy. Daddy says he'll go and get some spare parts for the car from the town. I want to go with daddy but the baddie uncle says he'll watch me. I'm scared but I don't want to make the baddie uncle angry so I say nothing.

Daddy leaves and the uncle sits on the bench in the garage. He says that I'm very pretty, look like a doll. He says he's heard I can dance very well, he asks me to show him how well I can dance. He starts to sing and I'll twirl around slowly. I am so scared of him and I do as he says. He has his hand in his pocket.

He beckons me over and lifts me on his lap. He is moving me about on his lap, he shakes and I worry he'll drop me on the concrete floor. I don't understand what is happening.

The shaking stops and the baddie uncle swears. I know swearing is bad, I think I have been bad but I don't know why. The baddie uncle says I got myself in a mess. He picks up daddy's car polish rug and starts rubbing the back of my dress. He swears a lot and I know Im in trouble. He says I better run to my mum, it's tea time.

I go inside, mummy tells me to wash my hands. I'll try to twist my dress around to see if there is still mess on my dress. I see a sticky smudge, sort of slimy but mixed with black. I think it looks like the oily polishing rug.

Mummy notices me and takes a look at my dress. She is angry with me and says I've ruined my new dress. I am so very sad, I liked that dress. I didn't want to look like a doll though. The baddie uncle likes dolls. I don't like them anymore."

I need to try and forget. Will I be able to forget once I have written the flashbacks down?

<3: Muru

 

[bluebird]

Hi Muru, no, it´s not like that your mind is twisted or somehow wrong - no way! Don´t blame yourself, never ever. These memories, these flashes of darkness and fear, are truly the most vivid memories to me as well. This is exactly like it feels. I feel my little hands being held by somebody stronger, I hear his voice, me being frozen with fear - it is just stronger than anything else, even stronger than present feelings, I touch my own hands, a book, ground - but I do not feel it, I am trapped in the past. There is nothing wrong with you, that is exactly how it feels... My other memories from the same age, like from the age of three to five or six years, are very pale, almost non-existing when compared to these.

Certainly, it is better to let these memories out, than to let them live inside you... I was told you won´t really forget these memories, but they won´t be so strong, they won´t be torturing you like they do now, like they always did... It takes some time, but it will get better... And every time you give voice to your fear, it will grow a little bit smaller and one day it won´t hold power over you.

Therapy is really great, I hope and trully do believe you will find courage some day to go into it. :-) Well, speaking from my own experiences - it took me more than five people telling me I should and one amazing friend to go with me, to sit next to me all the time and even speak for me at the first session, but since then I managed to go to the therapy on my own... I felt really scared, all the time, I still do... But I know I am not alone and there is a way out of this, although it will take some time.

I am terribly sorry about all the pain you had to face at such a young age. I am glad you feel supported here, it´s an amazing forum and it is helping me as well. Thank you for your openess and courage! Hope you feel a little bit better.

Don´t blame yourself for your feelings.

Bluebird :-)

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you so much Bluebird, your encouragement and belief that it'll get easier helps a lot!

Safe hug to you!

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

How is it possible to remember so vividly when I was so little? My other, happy childhood memories are nowhere near as clear as these ones... Have I got a sick, twisted mind?

I was told that 'emotionally charged' memories are stored in a different part of your brain to 'normal' everyday memories. That is why they are easily accessible and even come up when you are trying not to think about them. Quite simply they are different. The idea of therapy is that it helps to take the emotion out of the memory, so that it can be stored along with normal memories and be more under your control.

Trying to turn things into a positive, would it help to try and actively think of some of those good, happy childhood memories? Even though the detail is not there, maybe with concentration you could find a little more about them? Or maybe sharing with somebody who was a part of your childhood - they don't need to know why you are doing this - just reminiscing as far as they are concerned.

Your mind is not sick or twisted. It sounds to me as if it is working real hard at the moment!