I Dissociate More Than I Thought.... Scared!

[Ice_Fire]

For what it's worth, my therapist told me I was "emotionally stunted" to age 12 when my Trauma started happening. I often feel and think much younger than I am. I think think I act much younger too. But on an emotional level I didn't mature properly. And this has caused a lot of confusion in my relationships.

Hi Solo, I'm glad this thread is helping you too. My T said that there's still a scared little 8 year old in me that 'pops up' every now and then. So...I guess that is an alter? :eek: But I'm aware when I feel scared and vulnerable. It becomes a problem when I try to explain to T what happened to me, what I'm remembering because I can't seem to explain it clearly, as an adult would. It's all very confusing.

 

[crazytrain]

For what it's worth, my therapist told me I was "emotionally stunted" to age 12 when my Trauma started happening. I often feel and think much younger than I am. I think think I act much younger too. But on an emotional level I didn't mature properly. And this has caused a lot of confusion in my relationships.

Solo

Solo, I have had the same thing in my life. Given that I was abused starting at such an early age (4 or 5), I also have a stunted emotional development. Makes it hard to carry on a relationship/marriage. I was married for almost 5 years first, now am in year 9 of my current marriage, but it is extremely shaky right now. Feels like I never quite can make it last. I get anxious, or start having more flashbacks, or something else comes up to destroy the relationship! So frustrating! I think my wife is here for the long haul, but not knowing for sure really makes me nervous and anxious!:(

CT

 

[crazytrain]

Okay, so basically I have no recollection of saying some quite hurtful things. I was quite mean to Declan in December but honestly, I had no idea until he mentioned it last night. I'm such a F*ing a$$.

I absolutely can relate to this Ice_Fire! It has been happening to me a lot lately and I never realized it until just recently. I have sent emails to my wife and then completely had no idea of doing so until I got a response back from her. In March there were times I brought the kids to school but never remembered doing so. I have had entire, 2+ hour long conversations with people on my support team and do not remember any specific thing we talked about the entire time! And yes, it is VERY frightening! I feel like I am walking around in either the wrong body or I have someone else's brain! Not a very good feeling!

I hope things get better for you!:tup:

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi CT, sorry this is happening to you as well. I still get frightened by it, but thankfully it has happened far less often recently. x

 

[crazytrain]

Yeah, it's hard to get my head around it most of the time. I wish my T would help me out a bit more with it, but I am not so sure that she knows too much about it. I live in a very small area, with some limited resources, unfortunately. I love it here most of the time, but it can also be a bit isolating and a bit behind the times, so newer things from other parts of the country may not reach us here in the Northeast until quite a bit later down the road...
The joys of living the country lifestyle, eh?

CT

 

[Ice_Fire]

Haha, yes I understand precisely what you mean. To be honest, it's something I've had to work on more or less on my own. Partly because I think my T isn't 100% clued up on it (under statement) and partly because I'm afraid to admit/talk about it.

I love being in the countryside too! Don't think I'd cope brilliantly in a city. :p

 

[Dissociated1]

I completely understand, Ice_fire. Triggered dissociations aside, my teenage female alter "bleeds through" a million times a day. As a 52 year old guy it is a huge source of embarrassment for, and friction between, me and my wife.

My therapists both feel my male and female selfs have been around for the best part of my life but I was not even aware of her until 3 1/2 years ago. We had learned to divide house keeping so well over all these years the flipflopping was nearly seamless and invisible. What therapy has still not given me any insight into is why after all this time my female alter felt she needed to take such an active part in my life.

I am not suggesting it as a solution or that it is even possible for you, but it has helped me tremendously the last 2 1/2 years to give my alter a day each week to live her life. As a subordinate identity she is simply not capable of steering the ship 24-7 but this seems to be a good balance to "wear her out" and minimize the incessant tug of war we have for the body.