I Dissociate More Than I Thought.... Scared!

[Ice_Fire]

Okay, so basically I have no recollection of saying some quite hurtful things. I was quite mean to Declan in December but honestly, I had no idea until he mentioned it last night. I'm such a F*ing a$$.

Anyone else experienced something similar? Lost time, events etc? I'm petrified that this might be an indication of a dissociative disorder? :unsure:

I was triggered on a school trip last year and I have no recollection of about 4 hours, which is frightening. What else has happened that I'm unaware of? What else have I done? Dec tried to reassure me that I was probably just stressed and he knows I didn't mean it. But that doesn't make me feel any better.

I don't know who/what the hell I am anymore. :cry::alien: I'm frightened to tell anybody about this, I'm so glad for this forum.

 

[PepperAnne]

I have dissociative Identity disorder (DID). Recently I had an episode. This is what it is like for me;
Monday night I was triggered by a person in a support group who was being abusive to a friend of mine. She is new to the support group and has been setting off my senses as an unsafe person since the day she arrived. Though she claimed to have been seeking help for her abuse issues, I didn’t feel any sense of connection to her, except that she reminded me of my abusers. Monday night she was called on several boundary violations and refused to change her behavior. She was triggering another member of the group and then antagonizing that person, to the point where it was no longer safe for him in the room.

I was upset and triggered that she would act so much like the abusers we had as children, and when confronted about acting that way, she continued to offend and laughed while doing so. It was so sinister and I went into defensive mode. My legs started trembling, which is a sign to me that someone, another of my personalities is trying to get out. I warned her while I was expressing how she was being perceived by me, that I was losing control and I could feel the angry teenage personality trying to take over. I wasn’t abusive or threatening that I am aware of, but I was assertive and tried to stick with the “I” statements, that are a part of our guidelines.

I don’t fully remember all the things I said. My memory is that of Swiss cheese. I know some of what I said and other things are just blank spaces. I was close to completely dissociating into “an alter”, but instead I managed to keep the adult aware of most of what was happening. It is a hard place to me to go. There is a strong need to let “the alters” have their say, and to not let them take full control. The physical toll that it puts on my body, to keep both of us present as much as I am able to, is exhausting. My entire body was trembling and even though it wasn’t a cold night, even my teeth were chattering. Once freed from the situation, my need to be comforted was extreme, and I was glad to be in the presence of someone safe and supportive. Still I was embarrassed to be me, to have let him see me so broken.
I feel ashamed of who I am. Ashamed of having lost control, it is not the first time. Thankfully this time I can remember some of the events. There have been times when I didn’t remember any of what happened… I just had missing time.

I feel broken and damaged and know that I am not repairable. Like a vase that has been broken and glued back together. It looks nice, but it still leaks.

 

[Ice_Fire]

PepperAnne, thank you so much for sharing this with me! I've just about got my head around the whole 'inner child' thing, feeling and acting much younger than I am. Is that an 'alter' or something different?

I don’t fully remember all the things I said. My memory is that of Swiss cheese. I know some of what I said and other things are just blank spaces.

It's hard to admit to myself that this happens to me a lot. I'm only partly aware of what I'm saying or doing. I'm so confused.

My entire body was trembling and even though it wasn’t a cold night, even my teeth were chattering. Once freed from the situation, my need to be comforted was extreme, and I was glad to be in the presence of someone safe and supportive. Still I was embarrassed to be me, to have let him see me so broken.
I feel ashamed of who I am. Ashamed of having lost control, it is not the first time. Thankfully this time I can remember some of the events. There have been times when I didn’t remember any of what happened… I just had missing time.

I've trembled like that, teeth chattering too. This pretty much sums up how I've felt this week, especially when I've had a flashback or otherwise freaked Dec out. He's so good to me, but I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just frightened and ashamed of struggling and ashamed to admit I'm struggling. I feel like even my T would think badly of me (irrational, I know). I don't know where to turn. I'm wondering if I'm more broken than I ever imagined.

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I'm not aware of 'an alter', I don't feel like I'm fighting to stay an 'adult me'...I just kind of realise later on that I've no idea what's happened.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Yes, I have had many of these episodes where I lose time, get lost where I am, do things I don't remember doing...it's frightening.

For me, it's been a process of 'discovering myself'...and it is scary. But I already was doing these things, so just learning about it, then getting used to the idea, learning not to judge myself...and beginning to catch it sooner in the process to take action for self-care has been very helpful.

Hang in there. It is a normal part of the PTSD recovery journey. It will get better, as you heal and learn skills for managing your fears and anxieties earlier in the process before it gets to that point that your brain goes on autopilot.

 

[Anna]

Yes. I have also been accused of doing this. What is worrying is my mother also did this. Sometimes I forget whole conversations, people get very annoyed with me.

I also say really bad things, especially in my sleep or when I am dreaming. I have also woken myself up violently shaking and trembling, if it happens during the day is even worse and embarressing.

I also filter things out which maybe hurtful. Sometimes I just don't hear people.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Thanks for the reassurance and validation Bloom. It's so hard to get my head around all this.

Learning to accept it seems really difficult. I hate not having control and not even knowing that I've lost control. I'm frightened that I've hurt people and said things without knowing.

Once again, the forum has come to the rescue, I don't feel so alone and alien now.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Before I knew what this was, one of these blankouts was what drove me to seek help.

I drove all the way across town and was picking up meds from the pharmacy and I 'came to' when I grazed the size of the van on a post. I was aghast. I didn't remember most of the day. I thought I had gone crazy.

The first I was aware of tuning people out as they were speaking was when my boss would be trying to explain things, and I thought my hearing was gone. I've gone for many hearing tests over the years because of this. I never knew it was my primitive-brain rapid 'uh oh, here comes another....better go into protect mode' switching on.

....and I was doing it to my T. I still do it to my T. He'll say something, and I only get the few words of a sentence.

When I first told him this was a problem for me...I expected to get the judgment that I've always gotten. You know... "You never listen." "Pay attention!" "Stop daydreaming!" "Ditz!" "Freak!"

His response scared me. Because he smiled and said, "that's ok. This is something we can WORK on in here!" after months of me doing all the talking in the therapy room. Then, it took meditation, DBT, and another year of counseling before I could finally say 'it just happened!' out loud.

It's all a process.

 

[AzureMind]

Dissociation happens to me alot; as a matter of fact, I find it hard to be completely conscious during the course of a day... but there's a catch....depending on what I'm dissociating from, there is a equal response....if I dissociate in EXTREME rage, than I believe an alter emerges, to passify/swallow that anger, and I go away...I sometimes see myself sitting on a wall at an perpendicular angle watching it as if it were just a dream, or going into 'my inner world' and seeing only a faint light in the sky of my mind...this is all dissociation...but the scary thing is, I can FEEL the rage bubbling up inside me, and it feels like something "takes me over"....I feel like there's something that just wants to destroy, and be free to annihilate to it's hearts content... like a separate state of mind that sort of "ejects" me out of full conscious control...I can feel a sort of suit on me with armor, and I can feel hair that isn't there, over my face...there are some days when I'm literally knocking away hair that isn't there, and my hair is short :)...for some reason this happens ONLY when I'm loosing consciousness due to stress/intense emotions. I'm not sure if this is a genuine case of Dissociative Identity Disorder, seeing how I'm partially conscious of this separate state, (conscious of it's existence, and not so much anything else it did/does/feels) I doubt it is...though I'm not making any of these things up...I've always found it easier to "become" somebody else...to go to that part of my mind where someone else had to deal with the pain...

I know that it's not real, but it's like I'll enter into a hypnotic state that is so suggestible, that it doesn't matter to my conscious mind if it's real or not, because my dissociative switch was activated, my conscious mind (in a theory I've developed) simply turns away from the pain/emotion, and then I witness the situation happening to someone else instead often with an amnesiac gap...the scary thing is, is that I've had people come up to me that I don't remember and they tell me that I was "great" or I'm "Cool" and "maybe we should go out for drinks?" It's caused me a bunch of grief over the years, and it's increased as I've gotten older...I suppose it's because I'm not coping with the so-called 'demands of life' as they say....but if finding gainful employment, trying to pay your bills on time, attending college, and finding a way to support your own growing ambitions without the support of ANYONE isn't coping, than I don't know what is...

Fact of the matter is, most people aren't given options when they're young; sometimes, you only get choices, and in far worse scenarios, you get ultimatums...I was thrown around plenty of chaos and confusion when I was young...I just want it to be quiet now.

 

[Ice_Fire]

What is worrying is my mother also did this. Sometimes I forget whole conversations, people get very annoyed with me.
I also filter things out which maybe hurtful. Sometimes I just don't hear people.

Yes exactly Anna, I forget entire conversations too, especially if it's uncomfortable or hurtful, I just tune out. Later on I've no idea what people are talking about and they're like "You were there!" ....erm...was I? My mother can do this, but I'm never quite sure whether it's purposeful or not. I know I'm not a psychiatrist but I think she has a dissociative disorder, I never know which 'version' of her I'm getting. I'm scared that I might be like her :cry:

I don't feel like there's an alter as such, I just sort of drift off into my own little world. As far as I know nothing 'else' takes over, I just sort of nod along without really listening. Then I can remember the conversation afterwards. I know I'm 'there' at the time, but it doesn't really register with me if that makes any sense?

Thank you for your responses everyone.

 

[Reese]

I'm working on the dissociating in therapy. The exercises that have helped are focusing on surroundings; visual (colors), auditory (clock ticking), touch (temperature), taste (toothpaste), smells (aromas around you). I started a little bit at a time, than built up. 5 minutes, now 20, one area at a time than added another until I had all 5. It’s supposed to be calming to the I system. I was recommended a book, you can probably go to your local library or bookstore and find a workbook. They are set up to help remind you. It might not be your cup of tea, but if it could help it’s pretty straight forward. I’ve tried lots of things and it helped me.



Good luck, sorry about your long episodes.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Thanks for the tips Reese :tup: I'm glad you're making progress with it, gives me hope!

I'll have a look around for workbooks, I won't know if it'll help until I try it I guess.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

I've just about got my head around the whole 'inner child' thing, feeling and acting much younger than I am. Is that an 'alter' or something different?

(((IF))) I wanted to share this but also knowing your situation could be much different. And I'm ejoying the conversations in this thread, it's helping me a lot.

For what it's worth, my therapist told me I was "emotionally stunted" to age 12 when my Trauma started happening. I often feel and think much younger than I am. I think think I act much younger too. But on an emotional level I didn't mature properly. And this has caused a lot of confusion in my relationships.

That's all I can say for now. Hope it helps.

Solo