I do not know what to do...

[abbynormal1929]

Hello,

I have posted under relationships a number of times before, but I have to say something. I have come to the conclusion that my wife is definitely emotionally abusive. She's done a number of red-flaggy things over the years we've known each other, but it seems like now that she was holding back the most abusive parts of her personality until more recently when she got pregnant (not that she hasn't crossed lines before). Main highlights would be that she told one of my most personal and embarassing stories to her whole family when I wasn't there, and now just brings it up randomly around them like shes trying to make a joke, or see if they actually believe the story. Another would be something I wont go into detail about, but it falls under the heading of sexually controlling. Some people have charecterized our relationship as an empath/narcicist kind of dynamic.

I'm at the point now where I have to do something, but I don't want to leave my yet to be born son, especially if he could possibly be emotionally abused in the future. If I wanted to go to court over it I could possibly win primary custody cause her fist child, my stepdaughter, has autism, and an aggressive streak. I could argue that it's unsafe for a young child. I just don't know though. It's like I go to work, and I'm unhappy (but a lot of people are unhappy with they're jobs). Then I come home where I supposed to feel safe and happy, and relaxed, and it's worse in some ways.

 

[anthony]

Have you expressed your concerns to her? Asking for her to stop?

 

[Justmehere]

The option of divorce has been thoroughly discussed on previous threads better than I can address it, and it seems like for now, you are making the choice to stay. With a kiddo on the way, I can see why.

One critical safety issue that I don’t want to overlook though:

One thing that you mention again and again is what you call in other threads “sexual coercion” and here being “sexually controlling.” You don’t have to describe it or even address this at all. You can totally ignore my post entirely. I am concerned that this might be sexual activity you don’t consent to doing. If that is happening, you are being traumatized over and over. And it would be sexual assault. Which would actually be a form of abuse. If you don’t want to talk about it here, please at least work through any such safety issues in therapy.

I’m also concerned you are failing to express you don’t consent to something, she thinks you like it, or something like that.

If it’s about her withholding sex, different issue entirely there.

Moving on from that, how are you at setting and keeping boundaries? Is your therapist helping you navigate this? That’s going to be key moving forward.

 

[anthony]

And... you do realise that pregnancy comes with hormonal moods? Right!!! Pregnancy moods are not emotional abuse.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yeah, but hormones can’t be an excuse for actual abuse. The OP needs to figure out where that line is.

 

[anthony]

True dat.

 

[abbynormal1929]

I suppose my answer to st sexual question is that technically I am consenting, but last time it was after she said: "do it now or I'll cry". With the pregnancy hormones: true they can intensify such things, but looking back she's been gaslighting me most days for the last 5 years. It seems like she's never cared how I feel, just how I make her feel. I never cared if I'm happy, just if i look happy. Like practically yelling at me to smile, instead of asking if there's anything wrong. I just feel like I have to do something different soon.

 

[Justmehere]

I just feel like I have to do something different soon.

On all your posts, I haven’t read you describe one time you have said no to her or stated what you would like her to do instead. Not once.

You need to work on learning how to set and keep boundaries, regardless if you stay with her or not. You have a child on the way, and so you will have to have some interaction with her.

Saying “do it now or I’ll cry” - is a little guilt tripping, but not gaslighting. Not controlling, not coercion.

You have robust codependency patterns in the relationship with her, which is can seem like it’s very other-focused, but it’s actually not. Instead of enduring the discomfort of her tears, you give in, when it’s better for both of you learn to say no.

I’m guessing your trauma taught you to never say no, and to please others to this painful degree. I do believe fully you do like feel very pressured into these acts you don’t want to do. She may indeed be gaslighting you too... but I haven’t read anything from you that actually describes acts of gaslighting by her. I dunno, maybe I’m totally missing something...

Here’s what I do know: you can’t change her.

But you can change you — and such changes of your own may motivate her to continue to change herself too.

Working in therapy to learn to say no and have boundaries will not only help in this relationship, but it will also undo the messages from the past that you have to please others and always say yes for their happiness.

Also. Pregnant women get weepy. It is just a fact. Such hormones caused me to cry over sprinklers turning on. I did ask someone to turn them off so I’d stop crying. That’s not me engaged in coercion or gaslighting them because I stated it would help me to not cry to turn them off. They had full freedom to say yes or no. I know sex is different, and yet it’s not. You had full freedom to say no. You choose not to do so for fear she would cry.

It’s good to learn to sustain the discomfort of someone crying. One can comfort others without losing boundaries or having sexual activity they don’t want to have. You can learn to say no and express what you need as a way to try something new. I think it will help you be a lot happier and feel a lot safer in life inside and outside of this relationship.

 

[abbynormal1929]

More or less what my therapist says, and I'm working on it... Partially related topic: my therapist told me she was leaving the practice today, they have a high turnover rate. Thanks everyone for your input.

 

[Justmehere]

Damn. That really stinks she is leaving. :( Especially in the middle of trying to get through this.

Are you lined up with someone new?

Setting boundaries after trauma can be super hard at first. There are a lot of solid self help books out there on it. This forum is also another great place to get peer feedback on how to set and keep them and tolerate the stress of saying no.

It’s hard work, no doubt, but worth it.

In therapy, my own therapist and I actually role-played saying no to her and others for awhile to get it under my belt. Most therapists, even new ones, can walk through some practice like that. It was super helpful for me.

 

[abbynormal1929]

This is the third time I will have had to change therapists at this mental health center, there's a lot of turnover. But if it's more than a week or so I have the number of the head of adult services to call and inquire. Also my new insurance says it cant be a masters level clinician, so that may make it a little longer. It wasn't that long last time though. Believe it or not I have a masters degree in counseling and music therapy. I've never been able to work in the feild longer than 2 days because of social anxiety and self-esteem issues. I ended up having a breakdown, and an isolated relapse of self-harm after the 2 days. Any way yeah I definitely gotta work on saying no.