These days, life seems so horrible. I have been a loner since 5th grade because of an embarrasing incident that occured at a sleep over. Ever since then I have been bullied and kind of went into my own little world of pretending to be someone from television like a character and have my own stories in my head on my walks. But when I'm around people such as family I stopped. but this went away last September/October.
Anyway, despite having fun birthday parties, and fun family events my life in my eyes has been horrible and got worse after the incident with the room-mate. Up until now, I can't trust people at all. I was able to trust people in college shortly after the incident because i was focused on school and focused on not being around the ex-room-mate and keeping a skill full eye out for her. The incident was all based on a lie she told on 9-11-2007. Now a days I just see my life flash before me. Like it's always there, the flashbacks of everything. It seems like everything was sentimental to me. I never been in love, i haven't been really attracted to any guys except celebrities, which consisted of older men (David Duchovny, etc). lol. I can't stand teen stars because they seem like they are way cooler then everyone else.
I have no local close friends. All my friends are pen pals around the earth... just corresponding through letters. It gets really lonely when there is no mail. Anywho, long story short, bad things have happen to me and my family and i come to have an "I don't care about anything any more attitude" I am 25 years old and since nothing really changed for me, I doubt anything will. I never really felt my age because of all the bullying and no one accepting me for who I was. I had supportive family, especially my mom who was there for me every time i came home crying. I didn't go to prom i didn't go to the graduation event after the graduation ceremony. I feel like I missed out on a lot in life. I have always felt that guys liked girls only because of their "parts." instead of who they are on the inside...
I don't sleep, I don't have emotions. I don't get dressed up because there's no where to go. It is hard to get out of the house most days. I don't enjoy anything any more and nothing makes sense like it used to for me. I had dreams of owning my own videography company but I'm not motivated any more because I sent out letters have a website for my legal company which got no where. I just feel like I'm different. Like I'm more of an object rather than a person. I think sex is disgusting. I worry 24/7 about my future because of all my symptoms. My parents have told me "don't let the roommate control my life" but it has because it's hard to tell when a person isn't out for just themselves. I don't believe any thing any body tells me any more. Sometimes not even my own parents. and even if people do say "i felt the same way" i can't picture it. I am sorry if you take this the wrong way, but I know people went through things too and therefore are on this forum, but it's like i can't correspond to any bodies emotions because i just don't feel anything.
I have always suffered from social anxiety and always beaten myself up for what i said, worry that i said something stupid or did something that was inappropriate. I also didn't want to hurt other people's feelings even those who bullied me. I didn't want to say anything to hurt people's feelings and never really stood up for myself.
Some people told me "at least you weren't beaten up." I was beaten up "Emotionally." People don't realize that not only physical pain can hurt but they don't realize what they say is emotionally painful. I just feel like I don't know how to act in public because i felt afraid of being judged. I just feel like people can't really change... But i don't want to feel like this and i'm scared what i feel like in the end because I know that i will probably never get back to who i was in the past. I want to have kids some day but sometimes I just think that why would i want to bring kids into this hell hold called earth?
Anyway, despite having fun birthday parties, and fun family events my life in my eyes has been horrible and got worse after the incident with the room-mate. Up until now, I can't trust people at all. I was able to trust people in college shortly after the incident because i was focused on school and focused on not being around the ex-room-mate and keeping a skill full eye out for her. The incident was all based on a lie she told on 9-11-2007. Now a days I just see my life flash before me. Like it's always there, the flashbacks of everything. It seems like everything was sentimental to me. I never been in love, i haven't been really attracted to any guys except celebrities, which consisted of older men (David Duchovny, etc). lol. I can't stand teen stars because they seem like they are way cooler then everyone else.
I have no local close friends. All my friends are pen pals around the earth... just corresponding through letters. It gets really lonely when there is no mail. Anywho, long story short, bad things have happen to me and my family and i come to have an "I don't care about anything any more attitude" I am 25 years old and since nothing really changed for me, I doubt anything will. I never really felt my age because of all the bullying and no one accepting me for who I was. I had supportive family, especially my mom who was there for me every time i came home crying. I didn't go to prom i didn't go to the graduation event after the graduation ceremony. I feel like I missed out on a lot in life. I have always felt that guys liked girls only because of their "parts." instead of who they are on the inside...
I don't sleep, I don't have emotions. I don't get dressed up because there's no where to go. It is hard to get out of the house most days. I don't enjoy anything any more and nothing makes sense like it used to for me. I had dreams of owning my own videography company but I'm not motivated any more because I sent out letters have a website for my legal company which got no where. I just feel like I'm different. Like I'm more of an object rather than a person. I think sex is disgusting. I worry 24/7 about my future because of all my symptoms. My parents have told me "don't let the roommate control my life" but it has because it's hard to tell when a person isn't out for just themselves. I don't believe any thing any body tells me any more. Sometimes not even my own parents. and even if people do say "i felt the same way" i can't picture it. I am sorry if you take this the wrong way, but I know people went through things too and therefore are on this forum, but it's like i can't correspond to any bodies emotions because i just don't feel anything.
I have always suffered from social anxiety and always beaten myself up for what i said, worry that i said something stupid or did something that was inappropriate. I also didn't want to hurt other people's feelings even those who bullied me. I didn't want to say anything to hurt people's feelings and never really stood up for myself.
Some people told me "at least you weren't beaten up." I was beaten up "Emotionally." People don't realize that not only physical pain can hurt but they don't realize what they say is emotionally painful. I just feel like I don't know how to act in public because i felt afraid of being judged. I just feel like people can't really change... But i don't want to feel like this and i'm scared what i feel like in the end because I know that i will probably never get back to who i was in the past. I want to have kids some day but sometimes I just think that why would i want to bring kids into this hell hold called earth?
