I Don't Do It Just For My T

[Dissociation]

When I am under pressure for an important goal, something I have to do, I have so much panic that I am blocked. And when time is running out, I wish to disappear, I want to die.

In the past I didn't do it, using Buddhist thoughts. But, with time, I am more and more tired, my life is not going forward. And I don't do it just for my T, who is amazing.

I am accumulating one failure after another, all my life is like that since when I collapsed because of CPTSD (before that, I was a kind of super-efficient soldier/genius).

Does anyone of you experiment anything similar? How do you cope with this situation?

Thank you.

 

[arfie]

I managed to suppress and cover up my cPTSD reactions until I was in my 30s. That was long enough ago that I didn't even have the name to call it. Bit by bit, it all came crashing down and I felt like such a fraud that it was a long time before I could see any success anywhere in my life. Still struggling with that one.

I have heard similar outlines again and again in my therapy circles. It does not seem to be an unusual story. Sadly.

I cope in small bytes and long chews with allot of help from my support groups. A day at a time.

 

[Dissociation]

Thank you, Arfie.

Maybe I don't have enough support, I just have my T. And she doesn't always understand: she is not God and my case is really extreme and out of schemes.

More: I grew up in such a difficoult situation and so alone, between so much indifference from the people, that I learned to pretend with myself that everything is allright, until I collapse and it's too late.. That's when I feel very bad and I just want to disappear.

I was good lately, it was a lot of months that I wasn't feeling so bad..but I am here again. When I complain like now, I reproach myself thinking:"Don't complain, act!", but I don't act and I reproach myself more: "You are a failure!" and I feel worst and I go more down. I think that I need more help than that I recieve. Lately I felt more or less betrayed by some loved persons.

My T says that I have a too great idea of myself, and that's distructive. But I reduced a lot my goals, I am doing very little things..and I can't do that either. And I am improving every year, but it's 18 years, now, since this condition begun.

I am so tired, so damn tired.

 

[arfie]

Nobody can be our everything. Not the best therapist in the world. Not the truest friend, not the most loyal lover. It takes a community to live a full, rich life. Even more so for healing. Hence the value of support groups.

My own healing journey feels like a spiral staircase. I keep coming back to the same spot, but each time I come back to the same spot, my perspective is a bit more elevated and I can see a bit more of the big picture, including the deep, circular ruts I wore into my life when I was being rewarded for over-compensating habits and running from my problems.

Go easy on yourself, Dissociation. Time has no meaning in the healing process.

 

[Dissociation]

Thank you again, Arfie.

I think you are right when you speak about a community. That's a quite difficoult thing to find for me, for many reasons.

After writing you before, I read a post written by Anthony, who proposes a tecnique to find a core belief. I have found that my core belief of every negative thought is that I will end in a shelter as a disabled/poor person or I will die (also because I would better kill myself instead of living in the street). But this isn't just a belief, because I almost ended in the street many times and I have been so poor, for a long period of my life, that I couldn't eat for months, I have been eating just some bread and some few things more.

I also have 2 serious health issues. And my CPTSD is so severe that I Iost almost entirely my memory when I was 20 and, from that day/week, and for 15 years, I have had very severe issues about short term memory, middle term memory, long term memory and work memory.

So my belief isn't just a belief. And I have also just seen that fears leterally occupy my entire soul: I am scared of everything and at level 10.

 

[franciemarnie]

I identify with how you used to operate. I functioned sort of like a machine. I didn't feel much of anything for decades. Just moved relentlessly on.

That became a real drag as time went in and I turned to painkillers in my 30's to feel a semblance of well being and to keep down feeling that was emerging. Need I say how that worked out.

When I got off the pills 12 years ago, the feelings started coming, eventually flooding in and leading to collapse. My system stopped working. I wasn't a machine anymore. It wasn't a failure though it felt like it. It was time to heal what needed healing 40 years before. It had just been waiting.

Then the healing began. Though times are tough some days, I also know honest to goodness joy other days. I'd never go back to being a machine. It is hard as hell making the transition though.

I'm so glad you are here.

 

[Dissociation]

Thank you franciemarnie.

After my collapse, 18 years ago, I haven't been able to feel anything, together with the memory problems. In these years, I haven't been able to do anything at all. In opposite to the previous situation, in which I was too efficient.

In the last years I am better and now I function more or less. But, as seen, I still have a lot of problems.

I have been under much stress lately and this made me fall back in this bad situation.

 

[Jenfa]

Feeling "blocked" is super common with me too. I've started so many classes that I didn't finish, I should get a degree for most classes began, then ditched. Instead I got a huge bill. Half-started projects and countless failures of different things can wear on you after a while. I started to not engage in anything that required commitment just so I didn't have the option to fail at it. That's a huge risk, though. You risk staying in hiding, so to speak. (Like I am).

Tired of it is a crappy feeling.. but stuck in the safety zone doing the safety dance is crappier. Trust me lol I'd rather be walking around in a fog outside than be an over-alert/reactive/stimulated mess inside. Way too much time on the hands.. but the hands are helpful. Foggy minds can make beautiful things. I started to sew a few years back. One, because it was a hobby that was interesting but Two was because I was using my hands and focusing on something. My hands ache because of other stuff but working through that is really rewarding. Once you get a few wins under the belt, even if they're private wins, everything else seems further into the past.

Have you tried something small at first? Maybe something that is just for you, so you can go to it when you need it? Good luck!

 

[Dissociation]

I am not talking about feeling blocked. My brain hasn't been working at all for 15 years: no short term memory, no middle term memory, no long term memory, no work memory, no old memories, nothing at all. In CPTSD there is a thing called dissociation (my nickname ;) ), but in my case it is so huge that doctors think that I may have suffered a brain injury.