I Don't Feel I Can Go On

[Deleted member 34561]

Hi all. Easter weekend here estranged from adult kids because they don't understand my PTSD and bipolar and borderline tendencies. Or how I behave when in the grip of these awful afflictions. The anger the self-pity me projecting my bad feelings outwards and punishing other people for how I feel.

My man is about as much use as a chocolate bloody teapot. I woke up this morning feeling so shit I was planning my suicide by booze and meds and a nice clean razor blade and a very hot bath. My birthday is this Wednesday and I won't get any cards or presents from my kids nor any kind of acknowledgement in the way of texts phone calls or bloody Facebook messenger.

I am also estranged from my birth family as well due to their physical emotional and sexual abuse of me as a child and teenager. Specifically my 'mother' and 'brothers'. I am bloody 48 on Wednesday and none of them will acknowledge it either since I haven't seen or spoken to my 'mum' in almost 14 years and I haven't seen my 'brothers' since 2001 when we cremated our Dad. Our Dad was the only one in my immediate family who ever gave a shit about me but even then he was pigging useless, didn't believe me or protect me from the others for decades then 6 months before he died he decided he did believe me after all, but by then it was too late. It is also my late (very abusive) husband's birthday today. Had he survived throat cancer he would have been 64 today.

Cue that Beatles song lol. Trying to keep smiling despite all the loss and heartbreak and grief. But sometimes I wonder just how much can one person stand? Before going completely doolally and either hurting themselves or someone else? All I've done all day so far is cry. I even made a total twat of myself when I went in the bookies to place a bet on the horse racing earlier. I'm waiting on going in patient to beat my alcoholism and drug addiction. I've only had 4 beers so far today but that ain't enough to kill this terrible emotional pain. Waiting on the pot to arrive later. Yep beer and pot my drugs of choice. But they ain't working anymore. Doesn't matter how f*cked up I get on them both, I get absolutely no bloody relief from the shit inside my head or the pain in my heart and soul. My brain is crying out for THC and ethanol and my heart is crying out for my children.

I just can't go on like this. I see my key worker at the local drug and alcohol team Thursday but it can't come quick enough. I might have to ring 999 and get myself voluntarily admitted to hospital if these suicidal thoughts don't stop in case I don't have the strength to resist them and end up doing something silly.

I feel like I'm going crazy with sadness and anger at myself for letting my kids down so badly. I am wracked with extreme guilt because they had to go into foster care when they were little because of my issues. Now they are 19 and almost 23 and they don't want to know me. They hate me for what they went through in care even though it wasn't my fault I was sick in the head and couldn't protect them. I just didn't know how, because of what i grew up with (the incest). I battered my son and screamed at my daughter and didn't realise they were being abused themselves, my son by his grandmother and my daughter by former friends of mine. I was so selfish and wrapped up in my own crap i didn't see what was happening under my very eyes. Oh God bloody help me and help my sweet kids. I never meant to hurt them or let them down. But they think i did, they think it was intentional.

My son accused me of being a narcissist and a spoilt brat who lashes out when I can't get my own way. I was really ill with a chest infection New Year and he saw for himself the state I was in because he had come up for Christmas. He promised to come home more often and to be available on the phone for a chat when i wanted, then he went home and broke all his promises and ignored me, basically. I felt so hurt i got angry with him and now he is angry with me for me getting angry with him, he won't take any responsibility for his part in all of this and now i haven't spoken to him or heard his voice in over 3 months and I feel like I'm being punished because i DARED to confront him about his shabby behaviour towards me. I'm getting punished with the silent treatment from my own child and i don't know what I've done to deserve this? Christ knows i wasn't the best parent in the world but i wasn't the worst either. Yes I hit him when he was small but after he went into care aged 4 and a half i never did anything wrong by him. Went to all the review meetings every contact every family therapy session. Spoke to him on the phone whenever he would ring me no matter where i was or what i was doing, i would drop everything to be there for him. When he left care and he was in the shit with rent and money, i helped him even if it left me short and struggling. And now he ignores me and has abandoned me just because i confronted him about his dishonesty selfishness and ignorance. I'm bloody fed up.

As for my daughter don't even get me started there!!! The social workers have brainwashed her with a pack of lies about me and her Dad and have turned her against us and she hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me either. I'm in bloody BITS about all this. Same as with my son i stayed in my girls life against much opposition from social services and all the roadblocks they out in my way, the things they falsely accused me and my bloke of doing to our baby girl, because they had to have a 'reason' to justify taking her away and not returning her to us even when we had proved our innocence in not one but TWO courts of law, and even though at the beginning our daughter told them we never did anything to her. They broke my baby girl down with a pack of lies just so social services could have CONTROL over the situation. Now my daughter has mental problems herself and is gay and trans, but SS have got her believing it's her parents fault she's like that, nothing to do with the fact they ripped her away from her family who loved her when she was just 7 YEARS OLD and restricted the contact between us and ALLOWED her to get abused and bullied in THEIR care. I am bloody well HEARTSORE. I know I had a part to play in all this but my God 2 kids and 2 parents completely shafted by social bloody services a family completely f*cking RUINED and i can't even get any bloody REDRESS because i am so sick i can't work and pay for a decent barrister to take this lot on in court and on top of that i am restricted by the bloody LAW from exposing these f*ckERS in the Press because if i do i could be jailed for contempt of court. THE LAW TRULY IS A f*ckING ASS.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh.

I feel like I'm going to go mad.

Someone please please PLEASE help me.

Thanks.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

First I love you for being a lot like me. Second I have two days sober, and got on a SNRI pristiq that helped me quit weed and booze. Third is tree anything you look forward to that is good. For me the only thing is a bagle and cream cheese on my suicidal days. I don't have them at home, and only at a coffee shop. So I think "what of I have that excellent bagle tomorrow that makes it all ok? Even for a moment it makes it ok, and if I kill myself then I can have none.
Screw the labels! Ok it's co
Plex PTSD. Look up
Youtube spartin life coach, or a number of people. Even shit faced it sinks in. It took me three months of being in a drinkin stoned stupider for it to kick in but it did. While I used to hate aa it ended up being a huge support group and half the people I know secretly smoke pot, but don't drink, so whatever right.
I can't have kids, and will be completely alone when my parents die. I'm sorry I can't help you their, but in my complex PTSD I've hurt them as they have hurt me. Maybe your son has issues and is taking them out on you?
Please find something other than booze and weed and gambling that make it ok.
Maybe if your in an overcast part of Europe some full spectrum light bulbs. Vitamins a need with drinking! It takes out almost all the potassium, and b bitins that help with depression.
And if that doesn't work then a big f*ck em may help.
Bagle migh be silly but it kept me alive the last month I binge drank. The meds stop the physical pain I emotional flashbacks, and allow me to be more in control.
Don't give up yet. There is something you can do, as you posting this helped me, so your needed in the world. If you can't help yourself be happy atleast you can help others. It's contagious and gives back a thousand fold.
Thank you or help me know I'm
Not alone, and helping me commit I being sober even more.
It's bound to get better drunk or not.

Auto correct sorry, but you get the point. Just change one little thing and see what happens.

 

[digger]

I see my key worker at the local drug and alcohol team Thursday but it can't come quick enough

Do they have any emergency/crisis support options you can access?

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Hello you two. Well I'm feeling a tad better today. Still very unhappy with my situation but no longer suicidal. Ate a big fish dinner last night and got to bed at a reasonable time. Pot never turned up though. Emailed my son and got no reply.

Yes Joanne I do feel my son is taking his issues out on me and still being dishonest and is hiding a lot of stuff from me he doesn't want me knowing about. Why else is he rejecting me and pushing me away and saying he doesn't want me in his life at the moment?

He got involved with a girl his age or a bit younger (21 to his 23) before he came home at Christmas. She was abusive towards him while he was here with me because he didn't answer her Facebook messages straight away calling him an uncaring arsehole. He went all out to placate her. But he also told me he was going to finish with her when he went home (he lives in Reading i live near Watford).

He went home after staying with me for a week then got embroiled with her again and started ignoring me when he told me he would be available for me instead. This went on for a couple of weeks then I blew my stack. I told him he had changed since hooking up with this girl and he was happy to make his peace with her when she was upset with him at Christmas but he doesn't apply the same to me when I'm upset with him.

But of course she is his meal ticket right now because he has been out of work 6 months and isn't even signing on for Jobseekers Allowance. This is because he has ambitions to be a successful musician and doesn't want to claim benefits or 'be stuck in a dead end job like Neil' ( his step dad my partner). My son reckons he is getting noticed now both online and in real life and things are taking off and he doesn't need me 'distracting' him or 'trying to ruin things for him'.

I told him how hurt i felt at being pushed to the side now he has this girl in tow and he accused me of treating him like a little boy and wanting to have the same sort of relationship with him before he went into care aged 4 and a half. When I criticised this girl for taking him away from me and not wanting to share him with me he told me she has treated him better than I ever did because she bought him new shoes when he went back to Reading even though I offered to pay him a new pair myself when he was home at Christmas and he refused to let me.

I feel like I've been replaced in his affections by this girl and like he can't have a relationship with more than one woman at a time. All because he thinks he needs her more than he needs me. Because she is there with him in Reading and paying his way for him and literally as well as metaphorically has him by the balls.

When my son told me about this girl at Christmas he asked me how i would feel if he told me he had got her pregnant? I said I would have mixed feelings. On the one hand I would be cross because he hasn't got a job and hasn't got any money. On the other hand I would be thrilled to pieces because this would be my first grandchild. I also told him plenty of kids are brought up on the welfare state but it isn't an ideal start to life but I would support him and his girlfriend and the baby as best as I could given my poor mental and physical health and that no grandchild of mine would end up in care like he and his sister did because their grandparents wouldn't help me.

He then told me the girl isn't up the duff and i was not to worry. But then we have this massive bust up and he doesn't want me going down there to see him. Meanwhile I'm going out of my mind with worry over him and he doesn't seem to be too bothered by that?

Well like it or not I've decided to visit him in 2 weeks time when my fellah gets paid and I'm not telling my son about it in advance for him to put me off visiting again. He is hiding something massive from me and i need to know what's going on. And where i stand with him. I won't get any peace of mind til i do. And i don't care if he gets angry with me again. I won't let him fob me off anymore. If he rejects me again then I'll know it's time to walk away for good. It will hurt like hell if he does turn me away but it's better for me to know what I'm dealing with than all this uncertainty and fear.

I hope all it is is an unplanned pregnancy. And not something worse like him being into hard drugs.

As for my daughter well she will be getting a visit from me too maybe in a month's time or so.

They will both get the shock of their life when i turn up unannounced but they both need to know how much i love them and care about them and that i just cannot give up on them without giving things one last try because I'm finding it harder and harder to live my life without them. Apart from my bloke and dog my kids are the only family I've got and like it or not I'm the only mum they've got. And it's stupid to throw our relationships away because of some misunderstanding that can hopefully be resolved.

Thanks Digger no need for emergency services now the crisis has passed. I'll be OK now I've worked out what's upsetting me so much. Thanks for your support.

 

[Teamwork]

Know that we all share a kinship type of family with you, accept you where you are at and I will be the first to start the Happy Birthday wishes.

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Thanks Links. Yeah acceptance seems to be the way to go my friend. I lean more towards Buddhism than Christianity on this although I totally respect the Easter story and the fact that while Jesus may not have been 'the Son of God' he was most assuredly a prophet messenger and teacher. From great devastation that is Jesus' crucifixion lead to great hope and rebirth. I realise I can take much from this in terms of my personal circumstances. I thank you for your support. Yeah roll on Wednesday. Another year older and one year wiser and stronger. I hate how my feelings overwhelm me then I can't see the forest for the trees. Just part of the c-PTSD I guess. Thanks for your support!!!