I Don't Know How To Live For Me

[digger]

Talk about suicides yesterday led me, not surprisingly, to my own thoughts and feelings about it, and my own memories and experiences.

About twenty years ago I tried to kill myself, and failed, obviously! It 'shouldn't' have failed, what I did should have been enough to kill me, but for some reason didn't. It was an 'I want to die' attempt though, and not a cry for help.

I am not actively suicidal any more, but neither have I any real desire to be alive. If you gave me a way of dying without it harming or f*cking anyone else's life up I would take it. I know that. That is my reality.

The reason I'm not actively suicidal, the reason I 'choose' to live, is because of other people. I have a son, and no matter how crap I feel as a parent at times, I know that killing myself would screw him up and I can't do that to him.

He's sixteen now though, and I'm very aware of the not being needed in the demanding ways of a younger child any more. This is good. It means he's growing up as he should towards being independent and living his own life, making his own choices etc But it means I have to work more consciously on remembering that that doesn't mean he doesn't still need a parent who chooses to stay alive!

And I guess it is making me aware that I probably need to find other things that will help keep me alive too, because the more things there are, the more reminders I have that I need to stay here. But even just writing that, I'm aware that, in my head, it simply does not compute!

I don't know how to be alive for me. I don't even know how to want that. How do you do that?

Edited to add : I should probably say in advance that I am not religious, and while I respect other people's right to be, I will not find religious responses or solutions here helpful.

 

[Jane.l]

I have no idea - I am right where you are .

 

[digger]

I have no idea .

LOL...yeah, you know when you write something and you can see the tumbleweed on the horizon before you even hit 'post'..... ;)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I think it is a very deep struggle. For me the thought of death is too scary so that keeps me alive a lot of the time. When I first had thoughts of suicide enter my brain, I was like "what? Why would I consider that? I am scared of dying?" and that helped me. Not a very good reason for living, but it works. What do you enjoy doing? For me I think that besides my boys, my job keeps me going. I try to think of things like seeing the ocean, running, reading, etc. They seem like small things, but they're things important to my life.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Other than your son, what is there to live for? Well, to be honest, I don't know what any of us have to live for that isn't for someone else. For the people we love.

But I guess...we ourselves are a person, a person who deserves love and happiness. It may not be here yet, but we have as much of a right to it as anyone. So, to me at least, the answer is to learn to love ourselves, then we would always have at least one person we love to stay alive for. I'm unsure if that makes sense but it's what keeps me going.

Is there anything you would like to do, any goals or ambitions or hobbies, sports etc that would be nice to do before you die? I wonder if you find something that makes you feel useful to the world, or that you enjoy and appreciate life for, you won't be so ambivalent about living?

Hard to find something I know. Maybe you could make that your quest- find something you love that helps you love yourself. Until you find that you can't die, and once you've found it, you won't want to.

 

[anthony]

You have to find that thing in life that you fit within, that you feel good about doing. It could be anything... just staying fit is a thing, helping others, hanging out with someone, working, and the list goes on. You have to find that one thing you're passionate about, that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning, and that is your focus. It can take a person a long time to find it, and "it" can change.

I've always been an avid supporter of exploration in life. Explore jobs, explore relationships, explore the world... find what works, what doesn't, what makes you happy and thus tick each day.

Just my two cents...

 

[digger]

I wish I was scared of dying, unfortunately, I know that I'm not! I am scared of how it might affect other people only. Being alive on the other hand scares the shit out of me every day.

Is there anything you would like to do, any goals or ambitions or hobbies, sports etc that would be nice to do before you die? I wonder if you find something that makes you feel useful to the world, or that you enjoy and appreciate life for, you won't be so ambivalent about living?

I try to think of things like seeing the ocean, running, reading, etc. They seem like small things, but they're things important to my life.

find that thing in life that you fit within, that you feel good about doing. It could be anything... just staying fit is a thing, helping others, hanging out with someone, working, and the list goes on. You have to find that one thing you're passionate about,

You see that's it, there isn't anything I want to do. There is nothing I am passionate, or even enthusiastic, about and there never has been. There are things that make being alive more bearable. That I enjoy on some level. Walking. Art. My garden.... But none of them are enough to make me want to live for them. I see other people seeming to genuinely get a kick out of doing things and being alive I guess, but I can't relate, I don't know how to feel that or what that feels like.

 

[anthony]

Kind of like a constant depression ha?

That sucks!

 

[marylouise]

I have a different perspective on this. It's something I've thought about a fair amount too, since I was actively suicidal when I was in my teens/early 20s.

I don't think it matters why you are staying alive now. Your son would be devastated if you killed yourself, and not just that, if you died. Losing a parent is incredibly difficult, no matter how old we are. You know that. So you're not going anywhere. That's what matters. It's like a contract with the universe that you're staying.

Suicidality isn't logical, and the impulse can change. Robin Williams had a wife, three children, and a thriving movie career. He had plenty to live for - and he probably knew that most days - but he still succumbed to his demons. It wasn't about what he had to live for. It was about something else.

My therapist of twelve years once said that I'd be incredibly relieved someday that I hadn't killed myself as a young person. I haven't felt that yet, if I ever will. I would never kill myself now, because my husband and certain friends would be devastated and because I could never do that to my body that I've worked so hard to get healthy. Life is fine, I'm fine with it. But I haven't felt an overwhelming sense of relief that I'm here still. I do believe - though this borders on the spiritual - that I'm supposed to be here, but that doesn't mean I have to be joyful everyday about it.

I think it's a good impulse though to contemplate what makes you feel good everyday, and find ways to get that into your life. But not so you don't kill yourself. You're not going to do that anyway.

 

[digger]

You're not going to do that anyway.

I guess I'm looking for ways to ensure that more, because people do, even people like me who have kids and have maybe said the same thing you and I have, that we could never do that because of how it would affect others. What if I lose that because I forget how to feel it in the moment? That's kind of what I meant by this....

I have to work more consciously on remembering that that doesn't mean he doesn't still need a parent who chooses to stay alive!
And I guess it is making me aware that I probably need to find other things that will help keep me alive too, because the more things there are, the more reminders I have that I need to stay here

My son is growing up. I know it would still be devastating as an adult to have a parent kill themselves. I do know that. But when he's off doing his own thing, as he grows up and is less and less dependant on me in obvious ways......I don't have that more constant reminder any more, if that makes sense?

Just dismissing it as 'something I'll never do anyway' doesn't feel like a very sound approach for me.

 

[digger]

Life is fine, I'm fine with it

Can you remember how you got from 'actively suicidal' to 'life is fine, I'm fine with it'?

 

[anthony]

I remember how I did... it was called exercise and getting fit. If I don't exercise and aren't fit and healthy, I get depressed and thus suicidal ideation sets in. Exercise creates endorphins which trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. Exercising is literally a natural cure to depression.