I Don't Know What Else To Do - Need Help

[OneToughCookie]

I've made a ton of progress in the past year. I used the Feeling Good Handbook to reduce my chronic depression; started seeing a trauma specialist, increased my medications; met the love of my life; participated in a sexual assault support group; went no-contact with my dad for 9 months, then reinstated contact when I was able to address the abuse, communicate well, and ask for what needed to change; got up to my pre-anorexia weight; developed good behaviors like daily meditation, sleep hygiene, journaling as needed, hanging out with my boyfriend, and daily gratitude lists; and faced a lot of my fears with my boyfriend.

I feel really proud to have come as far as I did, but also disheartened. My depression returned pretty badly today, complete with suicidal thoughts, I'm stressed up to my ears with finals, I'm pushing myself to do too much each day but think everything I'm doing is pretty important, and I'm fairly anhedonic again (I'm not finding exercise or social interactions enjoyable most of the time. I'm always exhausted, am increasingly irritable, and even eating seems like too much effort. I realized I had burnout in addition to PTSD part-way through the semester, but had to finish it out for financial reasons.

While I can see all the positive changes I've made, when I feel the way I used to or slip at all, I feel impatient, depressed, and angry because it's unfair my dad and my two perpetrators are going about their lives happy as clams with much less effort. I could scale back everything I'm doing, but the structure is good for me, and I'm already doing poorly enough in my classes as it is. I don't know how to get through these last two weeks of school. I'm already experiencing painful gastritis due to the stress. I can't think of anything that would make me feel better other than limiting my finals studying to four hours total, dissociating the rest of the week, and warming up some Chinese food and forcing myself to eat it. Another option is getting horrible grades by not doing my final projects, but I don't think that's wise. Can you think of any other (hopefully more adaptive) suggestions for me?

 

[Justmehere]

Ever heard of the stress cup explanation? The Ptsd Cup Explanation

The amount of non-trauma related stressful things on your plate right now would fill up the average person's cup. Throw in the trauma related ones, and it makes sense why symptoms are happening now.

And it's a good sign that once finals are done and a few other things get resolved, things will likely get better again.

It's really typical for people to have flare ups in symptoms from time to time. Your recovery is still very real. Step backs are not the end, just part of the process.

Are you connected to the trauma therapist now? If needed, they could write a letter to advocate for getting an extension or an incomplete in one of your courses as an accommodation for your symptoms. Then once you get through the other finals, you could get caught up with that one.

If you are not connected to a therapist and/or doctor, then that would be a great step. A lot of students with and without ptsd seek out extra counseling support for finals time.

I get really bad gastritis with stress to the point that I lose weight too. It's bad. A few things that might help: foods without strong spices or acids, Tums, Prilosec or another acid blocker. And protein shakes. The more you fuel your body the less biochemically vulnerable you will be to anxiety and dissociation.

If none of that's helpful for you, just disregard. I hope you do find what helps you get through this particularly difficult season. It isn't fair that perpetrators have such an easier path. :hug:

 

[BlueOrange]

It sounds like you've been extremely productive, and now you're tired. The timing seems pretty inconvenient, to put it mildly!

Your ideas make sense: Keep some structure, focus on the essentials, and finish the semester the best you can. If the best r&r you can get involves dissociating, try to avoid beating yourself up over it.

 

[OneToughCookie]

Thank you both, these were really helpful responses. *giant hugs*

@Justmehere, I have heard of the stress cup theory. However, when I read it, it seemed more like an explanation for the loved ones of someone with PTSD. I never realized it was a warning for me. I'd hoped the actions I was taking to reduce my PTSD would mean my PTSD level was pretty low. Despite child abuse and two sexual assaults, my PTSD isn't severe. I guess as I wait and work for it to get down to 0, I should also reduce my "regular stressors" significantly to avoid overflow. It's disheartening to not be able to do as much and accept another disability (I also have narcolepsy), but I'd rather acknowledge my limits and avoid hell than try to act like a "normal" person as I have been.
"Your recovery is still very real. Step backs are not the end, just part of the process." This was so important for me to hear. It's hard for me to still see myself as psychologically "injured" when I'd much rather prematurely go back to full-speed life. Thank you for letting me see I need to sit the bench and jog for a season or two so I can come back, slowly, once I'm healed.
I am connected to the trauma therapist now, and have a double session with her tomorrow, thankfully. "If needed, they could write a letter to advocate for getting an extension or an incomplete in one of your courses as an accommodation for your symptoms. Then once you get through the other finals, you could get caught up with that one." This is the most brilliant piece of advice I've ever heard! I will definitely ask her about that.
I'm sorry you're experiencing such painful gastritis! I never knew there was so much you could do for it by changing your diet! I'm on an acid blocker, but will definitely give a mostly liquid and bland-food diet a shot. Protein shakes are a great idea!
Thank you so much for helping me; you're great at it, and I really appreciate your kindness!!!

@BlueOrange, that sounds simple and accurate in a way I couldn't see! Your empathy is very much appreciated. "If the best r&r you can get involves dissociating, try to avoid beating yourself up over it." I definitely needed to hear this too! I am the beat-myself-up type despite my best intentions, and now see that I'm trying to manage my stress perfectly (what a recipe for more stress XD ). Thank you for letting me know dissociating isn't the end of the world and I don't have to hold myself to standards I wouldn't hold for anyone else. You are so helpful too! I hope you have a fantastic evening. :)

 

[ladee]

Everything suggested is tried and true for so many of us. You shared and asked for help. That's what we do.
I went thru something very simular at the beginning of the year. That situation sent me here. Thank the powers that be !
And I loved the comment about dissociation being RnR!
Happy that you shared. Some of the responses helped me Too!
Let us know How your doing. Gentle hugs.