I Don't Know What Is Wrong With Me

[Ali Bashir]

For the last month I've been dealing with new things like panic attacks and anxiety or so people like to call them. To me it's just a belief that I'm going to die. I forced myself to go back to a memory when I was sexually abused, I was 5 when it happened and I'm 20 years old now. I went back as an adult and I hugged myself (the child) and I comforted him and made him feel better. And to be very honest it felt good. But then afterwards this belief that I'm dead or I'm dying started to show up and I started panicking and I was admitted into the hospital. The doctors said that there is nothing physical wrong with me but it might be a panic attack. And so it was.

But from that night, memories of my childhood keep on showing up. Memories about the times when I was motley scared and frightened. They keep on showing up more and more. In our culture it is said that when someone is dying their whole life plays in their head so I don't know if that's the case. But I'm living or I don't know. From that night it just got worse and worse. And the flashbacks keep on happening and I don't know what to do. It's f*cking me up.

I'm seeing a counsellor and we've been talking about everything in my life. But they keep on telling me that they are panic attacks and I believe that they are lying. Or maybe it happens to other people but not me, I'm just dying.

I don't feel real and I searched online and that's called depersonalisation disorder, which I have. I lost my sense of what is real and isn't. I'm at university and I have to do work butI I almost can' t.

I'm on anti depressants, but I started them after the incident. What is going on with me? I don't know if I lost my mind. I can't sleep at night or anytime. Whenever I close my eyes all the thing plays in my head. And I keep on seeing my funeral. All the things that was aid to me about death as a child. I see my funeral based on what is in my head. Am I going to die?

Can someone please help me, I'm frightened and scared.

 

[Justmehere]

Panic can bring on feeling of like we are about to die. It's just the state of panic. It does not mean you will die. It can feel that way, but those feelings are just feelings. What you did to hug that inner child was a great idea. It makes sense why you might have old panic come up now.

Have you seen a therapist for what you are experiencing? Only a professional can diagnosis what is specifically going on. It does sound like lots of anxiety and possible PTSD.

 

[Ali Bashir]

I'm seeing a counsellor. I wrote a letter to my abuser and I'm planning on sending it. I feel scared. I really want to get out of this, it's a really dark place to be in, it's so painfulI. I've never felt this way in my life. Also was it weird that I hugged my inner child?