I Don't Know What This Is... Maybe Anxiety?

[PearBlossom]

I'm not sure if this is the place to post this because I'm not sure if it's anxiety or panic attacks. And I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but it's eating at me...

I know that there are times that my behavior goes through the roof because I O. VER. REACT. to things that I can always tie back to my trauma. I had a couple of specific horrifying incidents, but then I had the extended homelife with lots of neglect, abuse, etc. So some of my major triggers have to do with the condition of my house and regular parenting/spouse responsibilities, etc. It's really, really hard. Because the parent I lived with until I was 12yo had us move every year, not knowing where I'm going to live is a HUGE trigger for me. So the times that my family lives in a place that we know we will have to leave at some point--I'm already on eggshells for the duration. We just last month moved into a rental. We had been looking to buy a home and can't find one so we are in a rental. And this has been a problem for the last 3 years--not having a place to settle down.

It's kind of to the point where when we go see a house and it's something that has any chance in hell of being force-fit into working for us and my husband vetos it (often with legitimate reasons), I LOSE. MY. S#*T. I seriously go from zero to divorce. It used to be in a matter of hours but it's slowed down to a day or so.

I also notice that when we're away on a road trip, the last hour or two before we arrive back home, I am out of my mind nasty, angry and unbearable--and again, often getting to wanting a divorce. To be fair, a lot of my husband's behaviors are huge triggers, too. He's like having another child (and part of my neglect involved caring for my smaller siblings from the time I was 7-12yo including waking with a newborn at night to do feeding and diapering at age 8 among other things). So feeling like I'm doing more taking care of him than he of me is a day in and day out problem for me.

But is it anxiety? Panic attacks? Is it something else that's specific to PTSD and triggers? Whatever this is has become unbearable. I almost want to go back to the days when I buried so much of this stuff but managed to function.

 

[mamachick]

Dear PearBlossom,

I'm sorry you have such triggers. Are you in counseling for this? I think I understand how you feel. I have been getting a divorce for 10 years. My husband wont give it to me. First it was holding off until I finished school, then until my 2 daughters finished school (grad school), now he just does not have time to discuss. He does not realize that every year that goes by, my health is being further destroyed. He is a mamma boy passive aggressive and lives with mama. Needs to know there is milk in the frig. At this point, I'm really not sure how weird the relationship is after being mama's husband for 10 yrs. I have no respect left for him and he has contributed to emotional and physical disability. He thinks he will break me. I know what it is like to have no grounding due to not being able to please and adult child. Just take care of yourself.

I wish I had some good advice for a child man that can never have his expectations met even though it costs his wife emotionally. I'm grateful to be in a different house anyway. I know that the fear becomes triggering or at least chronic stress that leads to debilitating problems. I hope that he see's the light before he looses you.

 

[stuff]

I definitely struggle with something similar to this when I am triggered. I've never been able to put it into words. It's like I get triggered slowly and my walls build up and I become impenetrable to anything. I'm just angry, and scared and I have to get through, but I can't articulate that to another person. It's almost like a weird angry dissociation. It's horrible and it definitely drives a spike into my close relationships. It happens in situations where I feel like I might end up in an unsafe situation due to the actions of the people I am with or with situations regarding my home (also stemming from neglect and a very unstable childhood) . It's a total overreaction, but it's nearly impossible for me to stop it when it starts.

 

[stuff]

I tried to explain this to my therapist once before, but she didn't really understand what I was talking about. It feels like I'm still inside, but there's this angry disconnected person on the outside that I don't really recognize.

 

[PearBlossom]

I am definitely in therapy for the PTSD and she has recently referred me to adding behavior therapy to help manage my reactions. I have not idea why I haven't called yet, but I haven't. And here I am an hour from heading out to therapy and thinking maybe I'll call on my way TO therapy. Same with meditation. I. KNOW. IT. WORKS. I know this first hand and yet I cannot manage to listen to my series of meditations in the morning to help myself. I don't understand it.

Mine is not that horrible of a mama's boy, just not horribly responsible with "big things". So he'll do a lot of cooking and watching the kids--bathing them, putting them to bed; but when it comes to managing the finances or finding a house or figuring out longer-term (stability-related) stuff... that's all on me. So if something big goes wrong, it's all on my shoulders. I try really hard to be grateful for the things he DOES (because I know so many who don't have that) but it's really, really hard for me to be the alpha in the household. It's completely traditional-role reversal and I really don't like it at all because it leaves me with too much responsibility and not enough partnership.

And then there's the clutter in the house. We're not talking "Hoarders" quality, but it's more than *I* can handle. It's debilitating. At least if we're divorced, I control all of that (I know this because we've been separated).