I don't see myself the same way i used too.

[gravelandtactics]

I was a service member in the USAF. i had everything going for me. i was strong, healthy and handsome. That was in my early 20's. I deployed to afghanistan when i was 22. I didn't come back the same person. For months on end, i was dodging IEDs, ambush attacks on my convoy, responding to suicides on base, sleeping through mortar fire, getting into vehicles accidents. I thought this was normal and part of the job. The VA hasn't helped. its been 7 years since i returned home. I am only 29 and even on a good day, I'm f*cking tired of living. I can't even explain any of it anymore because my mind is so burnt out, as well as my body. I feel like i lost the best parts of me. I wish i had some family near.. my relationships suffer. sometimes i sit in the closet with a gun in my hand, but the thought of making a mess for someone to clean up, and traumatize them is f*cked. I would rather go out into the forest and just disappear for good.


I've tried so much, to feel so empty.

 

[Friday]

Jarhead here.

A piece of that? IS normal. It would be insane to go through life being untouched by it. And not in the good sense of the word ;) It’s not like, because you changed, there is something seriously f*cked up with you.

Here’s the part where you’re seriously f*cked up ... (you knew that was coming, right? That I’m not just going to blow sunshine up your ass?)

The PTSD Piece - Where combat becomes normal, and normal life is all f*cked up? Where your reactions and judgement is off, instincts screaming bullshit at you, your head is on sideways, there’s a razor clawed vice in your chest, and nightmares and panic attacks and motherf*cking goddamn is there an end to this shit??? That CAN be managed all the back down to baseline. Where normal life isn’t this eye crossing clusterf*ck, and either you don’t have “symptoms” (panic attacks, disassociation, flashbacks, blah, blah, blah) at all anymore, or the few you still get from time to time are so well managed they don’t slow you down, none.

The Everything-You-Don’t-Like-About-HOW-You-Changed Piece - Even better news than the above, is that you can kick to the curb all the shit you don’t like about yourself... and become the person you want to be. Not who you were, that’s a trap a lot of people fall into, and it doesn’t hold water. That’s being untouched by life, and it doesn’t happen. But who you want to be. Which, damn straight, can bring shit you lost forward. One better, what you get back makes it a helluva lot stronger than it was before. Because not only are you ABC (patient, outgoing, easy go lucky, whatever) but you’re able to be those things even with serious reasons not to be. It’s like controlling your temper is something any f*ck can do when there’s nothing to be mad about and it’s all unicorns and rainbows and shit, right? Controlling your temper when there is something to be furious over? That takes skill. And anything that takes skill takes practice. None of this shit will happen just because we want it to happen. It will be a whole lot of things we do. not. want. and even more hard work, before we get to the place we want to be.

You got this far, so I know 2 things about you >>> You’re not afraid of hard work, and you’ve got one helluva pain tolerance.

You’ll need both of those things, to get to where you want to be, so it’s good you’ve got them.

Welcome aboard.


PTSD STRESS CUP EXPLANATION
^^^ And read this ^^^

Almost forgot... Check out the Members Only Military Group.

There are a few things kicking around the regular forum, but most of the combat and military threads will be found in there, if you’re looking for them.

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