I Don't Think I Ever Experienced A True Adolescence At All.

[Tippi]

Hello, everyone....

Another thread today caused me to think about developmental stages in children. I'm not sure I attained any of those milestones.

But I started thinking about how much I had been "parentified," and how much like an adult I had to be when I was 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, etc.

And it was unfair. Totally unfair. A lot of my friends did all the girl things......laughed, had slumber parties, did each others' makeup, talked about boys, put up posters of celebrities or of musicians.

I had none of that at all. I was too busy cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking for 6 people, doing dishes by hand every night, bathing siblings, helping siblings with homework. I slept in the same bed with 2 little sisters all during high school. I was not even permitted to close the door to the bedroom to drown out the screaming arguments between my drunk father and my mother every night......much less drown out the noise of the TV my father kept blaring day and night. Talk about making you a nervous wreck! Every aspect of my life was controlled by the psychopath-father.

I wonder if that's why I never once had a real crush on a celebrity.....you know, like some teenaged girls do. Like my nieces were crazy for "One Direction" for a while.......and they have crushes on other young guys. I think that's normal, isn't it? I don't worship celebrities at all. I'm not impressed by them. I don't have excessive idolization of anyone, actually. I do admire specific people, but I have never been the type of person who goes nuts over a famous person. I wonder if part of that is because I didn't go through a normal adolescent period.

I never had an adolescence at all. I was too busy taking care of my 3 siblings and being a sounding board for my mother and fending off my father's cruel abuse.

This makes me both angry and terribly sad. Gee.........no childhood, and then no true adolescence, either.

Sometimes I think it's a miracle I have the sense to boil water.

No wonder I lived in a fantasy world of my own imagination.......and dissociated all the time.

I feel kind of sad just thinking about who that girl was......that girl was me. I've been so disconnected and dissociative that I haven't allowed myself to experience the dearth of love and nurture of my first 18 years of life.

I'm so glad my own 2 children know that I love them (I tell them a lot). I'm glad my children never grew up knowing the sadness and pain of a childhood and adolescence like my own.

Anyway, I just felt like sharing that. The chronic trauma really did steal so much from me.

 

[radicalgratitude]

Thanks for sharing. A trauma therapist told me once that grieving is a sign that you are healing!

 

[Friday]

Hugs your way!

Don't know if it eases the burden at all... (In fact my next sentence will probably elicit a WTF?)... But I come from an amazing family / no abuse whatsoever

... And had much the same adolescence.

Not in a lot of ways, clearly.
And even at the time I had several friends in abusive or neglectful situations that I worked and trained with, and the difference between is huge. Monumental.
But a lot of the details that people get hung up on aren't the ones that really... Matter is the wrong word.

Let me try & explain:
I worked 40+ hours a week from the age of 12 onward (although I worked younger than that, 12 is when I started working full time / paying taxes), on top of school & sports & caring for my siblings*.
As the oldest I was 'responsible' for all of my younger sibs & their friends (cooking, dressing, bathing, homework, manners) on a regular basis.
We shared beds & rooms at home (boys room & girls room).
I didn't have a lot of "time". Not in TV / Movie depictions of what adolescence "looks" like.

My friends were mostly people in the same boat at me, working, training, in school.
Some were from amazing loving homes like I was.
Some were from hideously abusive homes.
The key difference between us, in love vs abuse, was choice.

Those of us from loving homes were choosing our lives. Even if it was out of desperate poverty, it's still a choice to help your family. People can and do simply book it and take off. So standing up, being counted, and pitching in is a choice. We had people caring about use, proud of us, grounding us for misbehavior, loving on us.

So even though the hours, the 'lifestyle', the exhaustion, etc. were all the same? We had saftey nets. Sanctuary.

Our friends and team mates? "Didn't" isn't the right word either. Because it doesn't even begin to encompass the scope of what the lack of those things is. There is no choice. No breaks. No guidance.

Those are the things that matter.

The things you give your own children. That rock solid foundation of being cared for. Belonging. Respect. A part of something. Trust. Love. Laughter. Sanctuary. Peace. Encouragement. Rules designed to keep you safe.

Not the fluffy trappings. Heck, the 2nd worst abused out of all my friends had all the "trappings". That was just wealth, and his sick f*ck of a family making sure they looked "perfect" all the time. From the princess everything for the twins, to the rock n roll rebel stuff for the teen boy. The designer room, the music, the clothes, the "hobbies" (required), the "free time" (not really), the proms. All the things that would go perfectly on any sitcom, to hide the NC-17 horror movie.

Trappings don't make an adolescence, or a childhood.

It isn't posters and pop stars, gossip and proms. None of that "stuff" really matters. Even if you're dirt poor and can never give your kids that "stuff"? They'll still have childhoods and adolescences. Because you're giving them what DOES matter. Don't think the pink pony or gamer poster is the light you see in your kids' eyes. What you never had, and what you're choosing to give, is was way way bigger

_______________

* I put quotes around 'responsible' for my siblings... Because even if my parents were gone for weeks, and for a limited time I was where the buck paused, I was never where the buck stopped. Not only did I have the security of knowing my parents were returning, and that would be a happy event to look forward to not fear, they made sure we were as set up as possible before they left. And in day to day business, I was at most responsible for about 30-60% of what needed doing. My parents paid the rent, bought the food, signed notes, went to conferences, took over or assigned someone else to look after the little ones if I was sick or had to work, backed us up, were the absolute backbone of our family. My abused and neglected friends didn't have that. They were responsible for everything, 24/7, no breaks, no help, worse than nothing... Because their parents made things harder, not easier. They were where the buck stopped. Again. Fundamental difference. Not in what we did every day, but how.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't worship celebrities at all. I'm not impressed by them

I left home at 17 because for 4 years straight I was grounded in the 'house of hell'. There was nothing obvious that went on there except I was never allowed to leave. I was angry, frustrated, confused and seemingly could never do the right thing. So I stopped trying. My brain didn't have the freaking energy to think about things that most kids of my age did. Hmmmm. what party should I go to next? Nope - not this girl. I was planning my next 'run away from home episode' or trying to figure out how to get someone to hear me. That was an exercise in futility. I agree with @FridayJones. I had absolutely no choices available to me - except bad ones in order to escape what felt like psychological warfare. I didn't have time to check out a cute guys butt, nor did I give a damn about who or what was on tv. I still have no clue who the greatest sex symbols are. Don't care.

I found this to be such an interesting statement as I have wondered why I am different than most in this way. I thank you for bringing this to my attention. I also want you to know that I hear you and feel in my own way, what you are saying.

 

[Tippi]

A trauma therapist told me once that grieving is a sign that you are healing!

I hope that's true!.........

 

[Tippi]

@FridayJones , thank you for sharing all of that with me. I agree with you that there is a monumental difference between growing up with love and growing up without it. You definitely stayed busy, that's for sure. I'm so glad you had a sense that you were contributing to the "greater good" of the family. That must have felt wonderful!

It wasn't so much that I resented the work itself, or being there for my siblings. It was the cruelty and abuse and lack of love that nearly destroyed me. And you're right that it isn't about wealth. I agree. It isn't about the posters, per se, or the celebrity worship. Those are just a couple of examples of what I saw my friends go through. What I was missing was consistency, kindness, support, love.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have felt that I had to be an adult most of my young life. So, as a result, I never got to experience childhood and adolescent milestones. And I think that missing out on normal development has created so much pain in my life as an adult.

I enjoyed your post.......it's really great to read about experiences that other people have had.......:)

 

[Tippi]

My brain didn't have the freaking energy to think about things that most kids of my age did.

You have hit the nail on the head!! Thank you for expressing what I was trying to express.

You're 100% correct. I often refer to having grown up in the "house of hell." I'm so sorry you grew up in a similar house. (I won't even call it a "home," because an actual "home," in my opinion, connotes warmth and family and love. Well, I didn't grow up in a "home.")

Who had the energy to care about boys and makeup and posters of celebrities and parties when one is hiding in closets from a raging, drunken father wielding a loaded shotgun, threatening to blow your brains out?

Who has time to worry about any of that when survival--literal survival of life and limb--is the foremost thought on your mind, day in and day out.....24/7?

Yes, you've expressed it perfectly. I had zero choices available to me, either, and so I lived in a constant (or near-constant) state of dissociation...just to make it through the next daily traumatic event. And believe me, there were hundreds of traumatic and horrendous events.

No wonder I never felt as if I fit in with any of my friends. They actually had parents who laughed and talked and sat down to eat together! I was completely amazed when I would visit some of my friends' homes. The difference between their parents and mine was like night and day. I would just sit there with my mouth hanging open.....well, not literally, but that's how amazed I would always be when I was at their homes. And they treated family members with respect!! I never witnessed one single incident in my entire 18 years of growing up when I saw my father show respect to my mother or show respect to any of us kids. Ever.

Writing here does help, but it also brings up so much rage. I am just enraged that adult human beings can be so freaking cruel to their kids, to the point of crushing their spirits and practically destroying them emotionally.

I'm so tired of dealing with PTSD and all the other issues that arose because of what my sadistic, psychopathic father did to me.

Thanks for sharing that. I really am grateful. Again, I'm really sorry about your experience.....I know how it felt.

 

[shimmerz]

As I am so sorry for yours @Tippi. Please know that my heart is with you. I am trying to figure out how it would feel to have been that adolescent and actually start living it - I am just trying to work out how it would have felt to have been a normal and free teenager. Sad really. But at the end of the day I am going to do it. Well, maybe not at the end of this day - I have more work to do on it. Hugs you. :hug:

 

[radicalgratitude]

That's an interesting thought, @shimmerz! So many times in therapy, I look for things that my inner child would like to do, and I do them for and with her. Tippi, is there a way you could do that for your inner teenager?

For prom, buy a gown/dress that makes you feel beautiful, sensible but cute shoes (going to Payless allows you to spend more money on your gown - I once bought white strappy heels there and spray painted them silver....they looked awesome with my dress), get your hair and make up done, manis and pedis, and attend a gala event, all with a good, positive friend. Theatres that do musicals tend to have fun ones. Look for sales on gowns/dresses, consignment shops, even Goodwill. David's Bridal might have a bridesmaid dress sale and those work, too! Get your hair and makeup, manis and pedis done a beauty school - they take a long time so plan on needing the day to get ready, but they do a nice job!

As for celebrities, you can pay attention to them if you want, but not everyone, even in healthy families, is into them. It's a personal preference. I have a friend from Southern California and celebrities were all over the place in her hometown. She didn't need to read the magazines showing that *Gasp!* Cameron Diaz was shopping in a grocery store! She saw Cameron Diaz in the grocery store, just like she saw her next door neighbor there. Again, though, that depends on what your inner teenager needs.

 

[Tippi]

@shimmerz, I know what you mean! What exactly does it feel like to be a real child or a real adolescent and not have to have been "older than your years" out of necessity and survival?

I like what @radicalgratitude says in the post about doing some of those things for ourselves now. I hadn't thought about doing that, but wouldn't it be kind of fun?

Hugs back to you........and thanks a million..........:hug:

 

[shandemonium]

Hi Tippi,

I can relate! My mother was out of control and when she wasn't having a tazmanian-devil violent outbusrt, she was barely able to get out of bed and do anything. My childhood ended at 9, and def no normal adolescence here! (not to mention, I'm gay too!)

What I really want to tell you and I apologize if someone already said this above, is the thing that really hurts about this is losing the good stuff associated with childhood. It's not so much the "celebrity crushes/boy/girl crushes" that we lost, but the freedom to just be kids. The freedom and joy associated with being a kid, the imagination, the free time, the love, and joyful outbursts.

I want you to know that even though you and I were robbed of a childhood, we can absolutely get these things back! It's not exactly the same of course, but for us, it is more appreciated than any "normal" person could ever experience.

I turned 30 this year, and part of my healing has been allowing myself time for stupid little projects or investing in myself in things that I always wanted to do as a kid. Karate lessons! Taking apart an old VCR and leaving the crap everywhere on the floor (and not getting my ass beat for it!) Buying a stupid action figure off ebay from the 80s that I had as a kid. Taking an acting class. Reading about aliens lol (i'm being honest here don't judge!)

Or when money is tight (and usually is,) going online and reading about something you used to be interested in but stopped because someone told you it was crazy, or stupid, or "against god", or lame, or whatever. Abuse has so many manifestations...

My point is just to allow yourself to be a kid as much as possible and give yourself that childhood you never got. You deserve every bit of it!
It is very healing to picture soothing that child that was you. That kid that no one else took care of when they should have. You give her/him the love she/he never got, and the time to enjoy life, and you will start to feel better. Of course, there's more to our healing than this, but I promise investing in yourself is going to make you feel better of losing your childhood. It really has for me anyway!

I wish you the best. I really do!

 

[Tippi]

Hi, @shandemonium .....yes, you've made such an excellent point. It really is important to try to have some of the fun we missed out on. I'm loving that! You've shared some fantastic ideas........I think I'll try some of those. Thank you for sharing that. And I'm sorry you missed out, too. I really appreciate your thoughts.