I don't think it's OK to tell your T you're worried she may be a serial killer

[Sandstone]

This started a few weeks ago, when I arrived at her house to find a locked gate. She had forgotten to open it, but came rushing out calling to me as I tried the gate. Until then I hadn't really realised there was a six foot fence and gate, let alone one that locked.
Then, the next week, she talked again about wanting to hypnotise me, and I said, again, that I didn't think I'd ever be comfortable with being out of control
Then, she and her partner started laying a new terrace.
Then last week she spoke about whether I felt trapped in her garden studio, and I said that for me being able to see the door was more important than being close to it, and assured her it didn't mater that she was closer to the door. That began to play on my mind on the trip home.

Now my brain is waking me every night to assure me that this is some Fred and Rosemary West scenario. I doubt her partner is CRB checked, and he has a way of appearing in the garden without me being aware of him. I don't know anything about her history, except what she has told me. I feel safe with her, but I know my judgement is poor. I know that when I'm actually in the situation, I freeze and comply, even when there is a clear way of escape.

However much I point out to myself that this just a form of the routine trigger - pinned down/trapped, two people in room - I'm still afraid, and writing this in the middle of the day I'm still feeling the panic rise in my chest. I absolutely don't think I can talk about this with her. If my fears were realistic it would be dangerous, and if they weren't it would be insulting.

I hoped that just writing this would be enough for me to recognise that I'm being ridiculous, but all it has done is to confirm that I have been very bad at recognising and acting on danger signals in the past.

 

[Ronin]

I don't think it's insulting, to start off.

I mean, you are having a security concern, and you are having a concern that, clearly, undermines how much you can work with her, or parts of trust in her. It is not insulting to have concerns, and need reassurance on them / straightening out how much is fears and how much is something else (and what else.)

Can you try the opposite mental exercise? As in, you already know what string of thinking those events sparked... can you look for other explanations for each of those things, on their own or as a line of things, pointing in other direction than the killer scenario?

 

[Teasel]

I agree with Ronin, I think a therapist treating people with trauma should expect their client to have fears, and be able to work with that, not be offended.

 

[hithere]

my therapist was insulted every time I asked a clarifying question or told him what my brain was doing to tell me I wasn't safe. He ultimately made a big deal out of it, and then terminated me. I feel my questions were just questions, and just requests for assurance, however, he took them as "attacks" or judgements that he "isn't doing things right." So I understand your concern.

Would it be possible to tell a trusted friend the time of your sessions, the location, and that you will text before you go in, and text when you come out, and that if you don't text by a certain time they should call the police? I guess that sounds a bit extreme after I typed it. But I totally get the fear! Maybe you could do a little research on missing persons in her town or area, and see if anyone who was her client disappeared or became a missing persons?

The odds are probably in your favor that she's safe, and her boyfriend is just a "guy"

 

[Sideways]

Now my brain is waking me every night to assure me that this is some Fred and Rosemary West scenario.

There’s a great big grey area between happy, well-rounded T, and dead bodies under the terrace. That’s the grey area that we so often struggle with. Assume the absolute worst case scenario, and most likely life will be safer than you’re anticipating.

Your brain is looking for threats. It’s doing it’s job. Thanks brain - great teamwork. Thanks for looking out for me.

A lot of therapy is about slowly developing new neural pathways in our brain. So that our brain can do it’s job in a healthy, rational way, rather than an Amygdala-on-Steroids way. You’ve recognised a cognitive distortion here (catastrophising). The next step, to help rebuild those new, healthy neural pathways, is to create new pathways. What are the other more likely explanations for this scenario? New pathways for your brain to follow.

To help with this process? Maybe talk through with T (a) what your brain has identified as threatening (eg high fence), (b) why, and (c) more rational explanations. New pathways.

The point isn’t necessarily to get your T to cough up the exact truth, and confess her exact reasons for all these threatening things. That may help relieve the stress for this scenario, but it doesn’t help your brain relearn how to assess threat in other situations down the track.

The point is to help your brain come up with more rational alternatives, which may or may not be accurate. Helping brain wire new pathways for assessing threats:)

 

[scout86]

This is probably not helpful, but my own first thought was "if you're dealing with a serial killer, it's probably best that you don't let them know that you know."

Some version of this seems like a fair topic for discussion. I'd probably come at it a little indirectly. (Because she's probably NOT a serial killer and you actually DO know that.) This is just one of the weird and wonderful things a brain might do to try to keep you safe. Are there any other, less dramatic, reasons your brain might think your T is kind threatening? Working on any difficult topics these days?

 

[shimmerz]

However much I point out to myself that this just a form of the routine trigger - pinned down/trapped, two people in room - I'm still afraid, and writing this in the middle of the day I'm still feeling the panic rise in my chest.

I have to be honest and say that two people who know each other around me triggers the crap out of me. Especially in a place that I am not comfortable in (which would mean T's office). Personally, I wouldn't be able to go to therapy in that type of situation. Which probably isn't a helpful remark for you in troubleshooting -- just letting you know I stand with you in solidarity on this one Sandstone.

 

[Abstract]

Maybe a good extra pointer is that she brought it up? She would be unlikely to do so if there was an agenda. Sorry you are dealing with this. Hope you find a way past it. If you feel its right to bring it up with her don't hesitate on the grounds of potential offence. It helps I find to keep the approach to a conversation curious - lets look at why my brain is doing that - rather than accusatory.

Remember too that you today is not the same as you in the past. You are facing your thoughts instincts feelings and would be more likely to see red flags if there were any and yet you feel you can trust her.
You can also ask that he doesnt pop up in your path when you are there. Reasonable request I think.
Maybe prising apart the trigger aspect of this and your observations thoughts feelings may be a good start. Have you done DBT wise mind?

 

[Sandstone]

I'm surprised how many of you can identify with my fears. I expected to be told they were absurd - which they almost certainly are. But thank you for making me feel a bit less freakish.

new pathways for assessing threats

I wish I had a more realistic, and more consistent, assessment of danger. But since I can't see anything else with a singe viewpoint, why should this be different? I can simultaneously see things as appallingly risky and wholly safe. There isn't even any consistency in the side I come down on and act on, apart from a tendency to stay at home whenever possible. I'm fighting that over my next T appointment, but I don't know if I'll win.

I still don't think this is something I can raise with her. If I'd gone into a job to help and support people I'd be insulted and hurt by hearing a response so far from my goals. I think I need to see if the idea dissipates or builds, and hope it can be swept away over time.

other explanations for each of those things,

• six foot fence and locked gate - That is unusual in our rural area, but she moved here from London, so perhaps they put it in when they arrived. She has a history of abuse, so possibly she needs to feel safe. (Down, brain! No need to say that the abused can become abusers. I didn't)
• wanting to hypnotise me - She seems genuinely to believe this has helped others. I will go on saying no, and I don't think she can do it against my will
• laying a new terrace. It makes sense in that spot- it will get evening sun, and the neighbours have just put in a fence so it is no longer overlooked
• she is closer to the door - She asked if it was a problem. She asked if I could see a better layout. (Brain! That doesn't mean toying with a victim. I'm seeing that because I was out-manoeuvred in the past)
• her partner has a way of appearing in the garden without me being aware - because I'm not usually very focussed on the present when I leave the session, so I don't see him

I'm never sure if arguing the pros and cons with myself moves me forward, because I'm so used to both being true.

Maybe you could do a little research

I did spend a while checking her credentials yesterday. It all fits with what she says, although I think she has exaggerated the level of one of her qualifications.

Working on any difficult topics these days?

Always! One of the things I like about her is that she doesn't pussy foot around, but is willing to respect me when I say something is beyond what I can talk about today. We've been holding back because my life threw a series of blows at me, and last week was the first back to full work.

Have you done DBT wise mind?

I haven't - can you tell me enough to be useful, or do I need to do some reading?

 

[Sideways]

The hypnosis part would definitely unsettle me. Putting aside that it’s one of my triggers (I was routinely hypnotised as part of my abuse), it’s contrindicated for treatment of PTSD, and flat out dangerous if you sit high on the dissciative disorder spectrum. So unless she wants to use it to treat a specific phobia, it would irk me that I had a T that was pushing a bad therapeutic suggestion.

Unless she’s not pushing it, but rather suggested it in passing. In which case, I’d probably let it go and just keep an eye out for whether her approach is evidence-based moving forward.

The rest? The high fences? It sounds like you know that there’s pretty reasonable explanations for that. In which case, I agree that WISE Mind may be something worth looking into.

There’s the possibility that this is how your particular form of Resistance is playing out. Particularly since things have been pretty stresful recently, (common, really really common) resistance to therapy would make a lot of sense.

Also consider using ACT strategies of mindfulness (being mindful of the thoughts as they occur) and thought diffusion. These thoughts don’t need to be something that we engage with. With PTSD, it makes sense that sometimes our brain is going to come up with some pretty wild catastrophic fortune-telling scenarios. But noticing and diffusing the thoughts, rather than engaging with them, may be a helpful way to not let these thoughts interfere with the therapy process, or your level of distress.

We think at roughly 10 times faster than we speak. Which is a whole lot of thoughts whizzing through our head each day. Most of these thoughts come and go without us paying them any attention, and most often, they are forgotten as quickly as they appear. Thought diffusion is a way of training your brain to let thoughts go, if they’re unhelpful and counterproductive productive to engage with.

 

[Swift]

I'd love to be able to give you some rational advice....
But yeah my brain is going "serial killer! Threat! Threeeeeaaaat!!!"...

The other possibility, of course, is that she is aware of the places of the door and likes the high fence because abuse and safety are a thing.....

I think it's worth mentioning to her, and I don't think she'll think you're ridiculous.

My T said this thing to me about hypervigilance this week that really hit me for six - that other people write it off as a one in ten million chance and are able to do that. My brain acts like it's about a one in five that she's actually probably a serial killer. Of course I know it's ridiculous, statistically speaking, but..... My brain won't settle to reason.

Best of luck.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yeah I get the serial killer idea too. I guess it appeals to the paranoid part of me :wtf:

But why have you assigned her as a serial killer - of all the criminal mindsets she could have - why this?

Oh and don't take this the wrong way - but - why you - as her (next) victim? What do you think her profile is?