I Don't Understand Why I Feel This Way

[Cabernet88]

The first time I spoke to anyone about my abuse was a couple weeks ago when I finally told my therapist about it. That led to a panic attack in her office and a confirmed diagnosis of PTSD. Ever since then, I have felt worse than ever. I feel so depressed. I am experiencing suicidal ideation. I feel like I can't focus on anything. I feel overwhelmed with life. I just want to sleep and not come out of my room. I want to be isolated, I don't want to be around anyone, even my daughter. And I keep having flashbacks and feeling like my husband (my abuser) is somewhere in the house.

I know some people say it will get worse before it gets better, and maybe the fact that I opened up is leading to a flooding of all of these things and memories, but I feel completely hopeless. I feel like I can't function. I don't want to go to school anymore. I considered leaving my internship, which will be over in 3 weeks. When I chose to work in a runaway shelter with troubled teens and families, I didn't know about my diagnosis. I've been running on autopilot and I don't really feel much of anything any more besides anger and depression.

Now, I feel overwhelmed and I want to give up, and to top it all off I still have to go to school and try to pretend to be normal. I have to go to my internship and try to be normal and do my best to avoid triggers there. And I feel like my therapist has no idea how bad my problems are because I am so used to faking normal, even in front of her. I don't understand why I feel this way.

 

[Reds]

I also felt that way when I started therapy, it is normal and will get better with time. Just hang in there,

 

[scout86]

I hope what I'm about to say is helpful because I sure don't want to make things any worse!

You feel this way because you have PTSD.

Look around on the forum and you're going to find a lot of stuff that looks familiar. If your therapist is competent, they may not "know how bad your problems are" just yet, because it's early in the process, but they will definitely know that you're "used to faking normal". Odd as it may seem, that's commonly part of the picture so a good therapist is expecting it. They will also be expecting everything you've described and a whole lot of stuff you probably haven't noticed yet.

Sometimes I find it helpful to take a few (5,7,10, take your pick) deep breaths and focus on what "breathing" feels like, then reassess the situation. It usually looks a bit better. Remind yourself that you've already survived the trauma that started this. That was the hardest part. From there, it might occasionally be scarey or confusing, but it gets better. Good luck & welcome aboard!

 

[RussH]

I am no therapist, so this is only a suggestion; it sounds like you are suffering from depression as well as PTSD. Maybe you should ask your therapist if you should see a doctor about a mood elevator.

Otherwise please don't make any serious life-changing decisions like dropping out of the internship, while you are feeling this way. Give yourself some time for your emotions to restablize, and they will, then look at the things going on in your life in a more objective manner.

I am truly sorry for the abuse you suffered. You are among friends here, so please feel free to get strength and support here.

 

[Cabernet88]

Thank you all for your responses, they were very helpful. I'm doing my best to hold on, I guess I just didn't realize how much opening up even a little bit would affect me. And yes, @RussH I was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder which my therapist believes came on because of the PTSD.

 

[Annie B]

I suspect that now that issues are in the open you have to actually face them head on. Pushing the memories away and ignoring them is getting harder and is no longer a solution. You have to accept it despite how badly you either want to run away (flight) or refuse to deal and just get angry (fight). Autopilot just isn't working anymore and the only way out is through emotions, not around them. It is incredibly difficult to deal with and even more so to find value and meaning in anything and everyone around you when you feel so hopeless. It is so "easy" to isolate, but I promise it won't help as much as your brain wants you to think it will. Isolation is comfortable for people like us but provides the perfect environment to dwell on anxieties and make everything even more difficult. Trust me, I should know :)

I have my good days and my bad days. If I had my way I would lie in bed all day and never do anything but eat chocolate. I've had a bad week: I've stepped outside maybe twice and I had a panic attack a couple nights ago about radon for some reason. BUT it is getting better, partially because people I don't even know expressed concern and support via post.

My tips (take them or leave them): 1. exercise/yoga 2. Continue going to your internship and school (oh how I wish I had somewhere like that to go these days). 3. Do something extra nice for someone. This sounds crazy but do it. I don't mean smile at your coworker or hug your daughter, though those are good things. I mean something outside your comfort zone. Make cookies for your neighbor maybe? 4. Do NOT read news online and especially don't read the comments. Haha.

Good luck! I feel for you. It is hard, but you will only grow through this experience, I promise. Much love!!

 

[RussH]

@Cabernet88 You are in my prayers, and I trust that you will soon be able to appreciate the warmth of a nice sunny day.

 

[franciemarnie]

To help understand what's happening, you might consider reading Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine and other recommended books on this site. I found my PTSD not so terrifying or mind boggling once I understood why I would feel the way I feel. I didn't feel so powerless then. I hope you feel better soon!

 

[Hashi]

Have you worked on grounding, safety and containment skills? If you have, this is where you need to be using them, probably pretty much all day long since you're feeling so bad. If you haven't much, I really recommend you do this straight away. You can find some if you search the forum (or internet) for "grounding".

I'd expect your therapist to be able to explain and teach you some, but these are also techniques to do outside therapy. It sounds like disclosing to your therapist has been destabilising, and you need to focus first on getting stable again.

I know it's really hard, but disclosing is an important step in starting to process and move forward. It can leave you very shaken, I know, so you need the skills to deal with the fallout of that.

 

[mamachick]

I would suggest considering an anti depressant if you are not on one. I would also be very honest with your therapist immediately. With 3 weeks to go with an internship, I know that you want to get through this so that you dont have to repeat it.

I have some background and yet when I heard that I had ptsd, it was hard to wrap my head around it, that I didnt recognize it, and time to absorb. I felt a bit hopeless at first. I still have bouts of hopelessness, but it has sunk in and gotten somewhat better. It helps to know that others have become more functional and how to deal with symptoms. If your therapist can make some suggestions to help you in the moment, I would consider keeping therapy on the light side until after your internship is finished. I am assuming that you will be getting a month or so break from school coming up soon.

Please do not make any difficult decisions while you are in this space. Remind yourself that this is a temporary situations, that your emotions can and will change, even if you need the help of medications.

The fact that you are in college and working at a shelter tells me that you have motivation and strength and determination for a better life, and it sounds like you may be in a helping field. Those who survived what you have, an abusive husband, will make you very good at helping others. I hope you can write down daily some positive affirmations about yourself. Focus on your good qualites that you know about yourself, and dont listen to any negative messages popping up in your head.

 

[macca]

Hi there - I disclosed to my therapist a couple of months ago, something I never, ever thought I would tell anybody, ever. I had really strong reactions too, and lots of bad flashbacks, a couple in her office - like you, it confirmed my diagnosis of PTSD. I felt unable to cope with everyday life around that time, and I also had lots of intrusive memories overtaking me. That has been gradually easing, and though I'm still struggling it's not to the same degree, and the flashbacks have eased off. I'm able to work, but need to manage my time so I can do nothing afterwards. Like others have said, I've read on this forum how it becomes more manageable after that initial tough bit. Though I couldn't ease back on work straight away, now that I have been able to I am coping better than I was. Hang in there, just cut back where you can, ride it out, and you will hopefully find it eases off enough to function again. I found the article on this side named "Understanding PTSD" was really helpful for me to get my head around what was happening, particularly the part about managing stress (it's in the articles section). Good luck, I hope it eases to a less intense level soon.

 

[Cabernet88]

Thank you all. Being on this site is extremely helpful---if for no other reason than just knowing I'm not alone in my experiences.

I am doing my best to get through the next few weeks before my Winter break, but I feel so detached from everything. It's like I'm living inside myself, in my own little world. I am on 50mg of Zoloft once a day. They have to start me slow and move me up graduallt because Im sensitive to medication.

I have another therapy appointment tomorrow, hope it goes well.