I don't want things to get better/ I don't want to feel okay

Thank you for your replies 🧡

I had an intense and very helpful session about this in therapy on Wednesday with my new trauma therapist.

I'm so impressed by how he approaches therapy. He's schooled in "depth therapy" which is perfect for me at this point of my journey.

We talked initially about how this wish to die and for everything to be over is a constant battle I'm fighting in my head and heart - the urge to die is there and I'm constantly telling myself to ignore it and to just keep functioning, that it's a symptom of depression which will hopefully get better with treatment and that I mustn't give in to suicidal ideation.

I told the therapist that it feels like a battle tho - that the more that I try to ignore/ push away those suicidal and negative impulses, the more they push back so that they are "heard".

Amongst other things, this therapist works with the Internal Family Systems model and he asked if I could view the suicidal impulses as a part of me and what age that part would be. I said yes, very young, 1 - 2 years old.

So, we worked with that, worked out what was going on, what had happened to that very young, pre-verbal part to make it so dejected, despairing and hopeless.

We figured out a "safe place" this inner child could go to and the therapist guided it there.

This was tremendously helpful and there was an immediate sense of relief and inner peace.

It's very helpful for me "as the functioning, rational adult" to be able to see "where" these impulses are coming from and to know what can help that part.

I don't think that all the issues surrounding this are solved yet, but it's a huge step to have it resolved this far and for it to no longer be a constant internal battle that was un-winable in the push-pull dynamic I was in.

I'm now okay and fully comfortable with and feel 100% compassion for the despairing, hurting little kid and no longer feel judgemental about my brain having these "wish to die, don't want to get better, don't want hope" thoughts and feelings.

I'm able to see and gently hold those thoughts, without over-identifying with them and without slipping into the intense all-or-nothing emotions of a 2 year old about it.
 
This is another super weird new core belief, that feels totally alien and strange to me, and yet it's there...

All my life, I wanted to heal from childhood trauma and invested massively in doing so.

Ever since I got retraumatised a few years ago... that's gone.... It's like I've resigned myself to things being awful from here on in.

I don't even want hope anymore... because hope means you can get disappointed again...

I just want it all to end and to draw to its final shitty, horrible conclusion

I'm done trying, I'm done hoping, I'm done investing, I'm done fighting, I'm done wishing, I'm just done

I want things to be bad now and I want them to be over and I want my life to draw to a close, I'm so sick of it all.

When I think of who I used to be, I can't fathom that this is now the new me, that I could possibly think such thoughts. It shocks and confuses me.

And yet, it is what it is.

How can things possibly have any chance of getting better, if I don't at least *want* things to get better?

How can there be any hope, when I'm rejecting hope?

How on earth do I turn this around to connect to wanting to be alive and wanting to be okay, again?

How do I change this, when I don't even know what it is?
You have the strength within you.
 
Change is scary, and stressful.

Lots of the time we operate on the edge between managing stress and being overwhelmed.

Adding the stress and the unknows of change in things we have become accustom to sometimes tips the balance.

When my accident happened I spent months in the hospital without a pillow. They didn't want my head to move so they put two sandbags on either side of my head. When I got home - it took a while before I could sleep - and even longer before I could sleep with a pillow. The change was difficult and took time .

When things you have lived with for a long time change - it takes time to acclimate - you just need to convince the most difficult person to convince (yourself) they are changes for the good.

One good way to do it is get a notebook and write positive statements around change and read them a dozen times a day or more.
 
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