I Don't Want To Cry

[Autumnfog1122]

It's the strangest thing, I became so accustomed to avoiding my own pain that when I feel these discomforting feelings pushing their way to the surface, I can literally feel myself blocking them out. Then I get a headache. I recently wrote a narrative of the event that really triggered my ptsd and I didn't have any emotional response. I don't know how to just let go and feel the things I need to. I'm still fighting, but I don't really want to fight the sadness anymore. I guess I'm just scared-scared to lose control. I've held on so tightly for so long. How have others let go of needing to always be in control? I feel like my head is so full all of the time. I think I may be afraid of the anger I feel also. I don't know what to do with it. I don't explode, I just hold it all inside and get headaches and anxiety. Sometimes this journey feels so confusing. I just want it to go away, but I know it doesn't work that way. I can feel myself resisting. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[franciemarnie]

I get physical pain when I don't release my feelings. I can identify.

I didn't know how to let it out either. I quit an anti-depressant Id been on for 25 years last December and geez - it came pouring out. I would go in the bathroom, sit on the floor and sob and sob. The pain I had in my feet and left leg would disappear then! I stopped being constipated. My head didn't feel like it would explode. My nausea went away.

Anger was easier for me to release. I destroyed two speed bags and hit tennis balls from a machine. (Warm up good though! I tore my glute 3X.)

I started spontaneously discharging trauma energy and then it stopped. But now I do somatic therapy and it comes out nice and easy.

We've buried emotion so long, it is scary to think of letting loose. But it comes out and doesn't hurt anyone and it heals us.

I use music to help with tears. Sometimes they don't come and I just feel sad. That's okay. It goes away.

 

[quic]

I know what you mean. I was not able to cry for 20 years, at anything. Once I broke through the mental and emotional barriers I cried all the time, then eventually it stopped. Now feelings tend to come and go freely, I cry if it is appropriate (babies an funerals). I recommend working on this, crying is a good thing. PTSD causes emotional constipation. :mad:

When I started treatment I was ready to do whatever it took to get better, I had no idea what that meant, I avoided dealing with my feelings for too long, But, I was ready to go through the pain. As I started to allow myself to feel the pain, the tears just came, slowly at first. It took more than just recalling the trauma to release my pain. I imagine it is different for everyone, for me it felt like i was navigating a maze with my eyes closed. I would had to feel my way through dark corridors trying to piece together what i found along the way.

The ideas that bought out emotion the most had to do with the beliefs the trauma created. What does that event say about me as a person? Because that happened, I am ______? This helped me see how the trauma was personal to me and usually brought emotional release.

I believe we hold on to emotional energy. When we cry, we can release some of that stored emotional momentum, allowing us to move towards a state of balance. For me it has taken a couple of years, for others maybe weeks or months. Releasing the stored emotion does not fix everything, it is a step towards balance and normal emotional and mental function.

Good luck, let us know when you crack through that protective shell and let out some of the tears.

 

[Toranoko]

PTSD causes emotional constipation. :mad:

Can I use that quote? It's really good!

So we can learn to feel again? Most of the time I'm still emotionally numb, though I do use music to connect when I realize that something's going on. Still, I haven't cried since High School ... which was more than 30 years ago. I mean, I let a tear loose during a good movie and such ... but never a "cry".

 

[WillowMarie]

I can relate to getting headaches after blocking emotions.

I am usually numb/dissociated most of the time.


I know how my emotions started for me. I was ready and couldn't hold back anymore, it had built up. Since I was ready to change, I started to face it and let myself feel all the pain. As quic stated, letting yourself acknowledge the beliefs that come up.

It was a surprise to me that I had negative thoughts that would come up because I have always only portrayed the strong side of me. It was a coping skill for me, how I survived. When I started letting myself hear what my head would say instead of blocking it out, it brought more tears and feelings.

Made the feelings stronger. It was overwhelming at times, but other times it was a relief to be able to let it out and I welcomed it.

Sometimes I was terrified to say outloud what I was thinking because in those moments I became/felt like that scared little girl that no one stood up for or protected. I almost had panic attacks trying to say some things out loud because I thought they were going to tell me that it was true, I deserved bad things, it was my fault, or just ignore me and I would be left to deal with it on my own.

But then it stopped for me because i didn't feel safe and I shut down again. I didn't feel supported. Now I am trying to get back to where I was to continue healing because I have support that understands me now. I have started getting back in touch with things. And it is again at getting at those deep hidden thoughts.



I see you mentioned music, I have used that to help me in the past. Like if I was journaling or something, listen to something that energizes or brings out emotion in me. That has helped me feel more when I am writing about things, helps the feelings come out more.

I am still learning how to let myself feel. But I would like to hope it is possible for me.

 

[quic]

We all can learn how to unlock the emotions that we have bottled up. If I did, anyone can ( I am big, old and male). But let me be honest, it really hurts for a while. Once the tears passed, I felt great. It took me several months to figure out what thoughts unlocked the emotions and tears. Then it took about 6-9 months of deep release to get to the bottom of the "well of tears" . Emotional release is not a learned skill. We were all born able to do it, then at some point we learned how not to cry. Instead of thinking about how to cry, look at what taught you to not show your emotion.

One side effect of emotional release was much improved sleep. I have slept well now for over a year, even though I rarely cry (about the past).

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I feel for you. I can cry sometimes now, but I know I have a lot that still has to come out. I would love to just let it all out. I know I would feel so much better once I have gotten it out of my system.

 

[DMerish]

I cry fairly easily now, and at appropirate times, but I didn't used to. It took a few new traumas last year, a mild heart attack, and lots of relaxation skills to let it go. Then came fits of bawling for months that I couldn't control. I'm much better now, but still getting it into balance. I saw the cutest, sweetest, sad kitten this weekend being held by a young girl trying to give it away at a grocery store - - - couldn't help it. My eyes just welled up :cry:

I'm glad I'm a woman (its more socially acceptable :- ) Tears are like a cleansing rain.

 

[Autumnfog1122]

It's really difficult because I'm a mom and a student. I can't just fall apart, you know. Even though I'm not all that functional to begin with. In therapy I cry at almost every session, but when I'm not there, I just won't let it out. I worry about my children; they're so young and I don't want them have to worry about me. They need to be kids, which is so important to me because I never had a carefree childhood. This is such a confusing time in my life. Thanks so much for all your comments.

 

[quic]

but when I'm not there, I just won't let it out

I think we have pick a safe time and place to let it out. Unfortunately, not everyone has the freedom in thier schdule for a 30 minute cry in the middle of the day. I went through a period of time when i would leave work at lunch and sit in my car and cry. I am sure my employees could tell something was up. I also did not want my kids to see me like that. I want them to see me as a stable role model, not a source of worry. There obviously is a lot involved in allowing emotional release to happen.

I think there is a difference between crying at a movie or song and crying due to the release of emotion from trauma. I think crying at a song is healthy, but it is just scratching the surface of the emotional iceberg. The real source of energy is deeper beneath the surface, It only comes out when we are honest with ourselves and accept what lies inside us. Once it is out we see our true self, maybe even a state of calmness for a while.