I don't want to deal with my life...

[arfie]

The moment I was paid and dealt with the immediate stuff(landlord) it's like I got worse- but not exactly. I just finally let myself feel it all I guess.

this is one of the ? ? ? symptoms? ? ? which still lingers for me. my life and resources are far more balanced, but that "exchange day" ritual where i take money from one source only to give it to another is? ? ? worthy of a song. "exchange day blues." nope. it's not on the digital internet. it's just a ditty i sing to channel the emotions attached.

the good news i have found in **just** letting myself feel it all is that the ALL gets smaller without the bloating of repression. these days i can channel the emotions of the exchange day blues in a single chorus of the exchange day blues. it's so much easier to get on with business when i can let myself feal the negatives and leave them behind rather than "sucking it up" and "getting my shit together."

for what it's worth
when i get stressed out, my colon goes wonky with nasty side effects, such as diarrhea. i went literal on that "getting my shit together" cliche. when i have my literal shit together, my metaphorical shit goes far, far smoother. i went literal on my "holy shit," too. one of life's greater blessings is that smooth, intact movement of yesterday's leftovers.

am i now guilty of tmi (too much information)?

 

[Ecdysis]

Hey... hairloss, extreme fatigue and depression are 3 major symptoms of low thyroid levels (hypothyroidism). I had this start 10 yesrs ago. It seems burnout/ prolonged massive stress can lead to adrenal fatigue and also to your thyroid "giving up".

It's worth getting a blood test for this.

Also, some ppl are extremely sensitive (like me) and they respond with massive symptoms like depression, extreme fatigue and hairloss when thyroid levels decrease even a little bit. For about 18 months I had terrible symptoms but was officially still within the "normal" range for thyroid levels - just at the very lowest end of the "normal" range.

Only once my levels decreased further, to be officially out of the "normal" range did my Dr's react and put me on thyroid medication. By this time I was suicidal and should have been inpatient because the depression was so bad.

If thyroid levels are "somewhat low" but still within normal range it's worth asking your doctor to trial a low dose of the thyroid med - for example 12 micrograms or 20 micrograms to see if it helps. If it does, it's a sign your thyroid needs the support, even if it's not showing up as a red flag in your blood test results yet.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

hairloss, extreme fatigue and depression are 3 major symptoms of low thyroid levels (hypothyroidism). I

Well to be fair, I have been under a lot of stress, I've had waves of depression on and off since I was a kid, and once in uni when I had no money for proper food my hair did start falling. 4 months of multivitamins and proper food fixed that.

Also, some ppl are extremely sensitive (like me) and they respond with massive symptoms like depression, extreme fatigue and hairloss when thyroid levels decrease even a little bit. For about 18 months I had terrible symptoms but was officially still within the "normal" range for thyroid levels - just at the very lowest end of the "normal" range.

That possibly happens to me. When I was regularly doing therapy and talking about the worst things, I started getting fatigued so much I got worried. Took blood work and everything was in the lower but normal range so no one recommended anything to be done. It all got better as I got better.

Also I have this system for self-regulating sleep-wise. In uni the last year- I slept barely 4h daily. But the first year I wasn't used to it. After 4 months of new things daily and very little sleep, in Christmas break I spend 3 weeks of sleeping 13 h every day. For 3 weeks. Then I was back to normal schedule all of a sudden. Of course at the time while I had trauma- I didn't yet have PTSD or the knowledge to question it further. So yeah, now the question is, is my self-regulation overcompensating for working 10h while depressed for 2 weeks... or is it something practical as thyroid....

Also to be fair, those weeks before I got paid, many times I ate pasta or rice for days at a time with literally almost no additions to it. No veggies, no nothing. So my nutrients are very certainly still not regulated. I'm out of the biggest danger, but I do need to concentrate on income this month first. But at the end of the month if all this is still the case I'll try to do full bloodwork (no insurance, gotta pay out of pocket, not a lot, but I have to be careful not to put myself in the same broke scary state as before first. But thank you for the advice.

am i now guilty of tmi (too much information)?

Isn't that all of us on this forum? We share too much, because we have to. It's how we get solutions and support for something that not many people understand. You're fine :).

p.s. I think my family's words are getting to me... My first errand of the day was to just get materials and I can't leave the apartment. Got scared.
Haven't actually bet on myself in months. It's scary. It's one of those core belief things. My PTSD happened after I bet on myself and went abroad to make more money in the summer to help my education. Then everything that happened happened. And I was alone, and broke and I had done it to myself in spite of my family disapproving. So now... believing in my own ventures with money, online or otherwise... it's scary... so many years and it's still true.

 

[abovedown]

Read the end of the thread. It seems you were right although I wouldn't have admitted it. (can't be 'weak' if you have limited time to 'get your S**t together, right? but life doesn't work so.)

Yeah, they really are right now.

Definitely still learning that, I tend to be the hardest on myself.

Thank you so much, much appreciated! Finally I saw a friend I hadn't seen for 2 months after she wrote to ask if I'm ok (because I hadn't been in touch at all)- and when I told her just part of what was going on she gave me a warm supportive hug- and I was almost shocked. I'd gotten so used to 'it is what it is' that I'd forgotten that this is a legitimately hard situation. It was really nice for someone to remind me that.

Thank you, appreciated. Sending hugs if ok.

Thank you, same to you!

It really is, thank you for that quote, made me laugh.

To ALL of you reading and supporting me in this, thank you!!
A little update:
I wanted to jump into work right away, had a plan. I am only getting to the plan today finally. Seems my brain and my body weren't in agreement. The moment I was paid and dealt with the immediate stuff(landlord) it's like I got worse- but not exactly. I just finally let myself feel it all I guess. I had blocked some because I had to work and cook and survive.

My house is still a mess, my life is still a mess, I am getting to it.

But since I wrote, I subconsciously took care of myself. I ate some fruits and veggies and I am trying to have a nutritious food when I can. Had green juice from few things one day and I literally devoured it in 2 seconds. I went to ballet classes. I saw 2 friends. I met 2 new potential friends through ballet and my friend. I reconnected with some people. I cleaned a bit. Had some 5min workouts. Had some steaming hot showers. Got a spray and multivitamin to take care of my hair loss hopefully. Can't buy the special shampoo yet but eventually.
On Friday, I was supposed wait another week on no food while applying to get to mini pay so I can eat well and invest in making jewelry again and hope it can still be side hustle. I may have forgotten some skills since then, but I am better mentally(that was at the start of my PTSD), I know more about social media, I know the language and I know many people here, so I can network and sell locally a bit too. I had a friend agree to model and I will with some others too. Also a friend that works in marketing will help me with social media plan. I'd forgotten that I have a community now too. I'd forgotten that it's ok to ask for help. So I got a person to person loan again too, bad interest, but I'm investing in myself.

Now I had enough to get materials and also nutritious food. And on surface it's a bad decision, but I believe in myself for a first time in a long time. I believe in being able to work and have a side gig and actually start getting out of that hole I'm in. I know it will take a long time, but that's ok, taking it step by step.
I was also offered potential gig in February, but really stable one. Seems a long way away, but so did November.

Finally yesterday I was supposed to start on all the jobs I'm juggling(online, side hustles and all that)- and with 4 alarms I woke almost at noon.
I had slept 13 hours for a first time in a year. I got up wanting to catch up but barely did anything. Went to the closest store and almost fainted few times. My body had finally caught up with my brain and it wanted what it wanted. So I rested. I played phone game, watched tv, slept and then slept again. I cried, I ate, I had hot shower. Slept again.

I am now going out to buy materials for making jewelry. I've been sketching designs all last week. Then I have regular freelance work and some clients to apply for.
I finally feel some resemblance of 'me' coming back. I feel somewhat refreshed and 'normal'.
I hope I'm recharged enough to be brave enough for my plans. Even buying materials- all of me, and friends, everyone is supportive. Except my family that doesn't believe I can make it so I'm wasting money. So that voice in the back of my head saying it will be like last time (when I was at the height of PTSD symptoms, the first 6 months after the trauma, when I had no clue what I was doing, couldn't sleep from nightmares and was highly agoraphobic). But I'm pushing that voice away. My situation, for it to change, 1 job is not enough right now. So anything I do from side hustles and job application, to allowing myself to eat nutritiously (so my hair doesn't fully fall off)- it's all a risk. So my job now is to have faith in myself and take it one step at a time.
I'm doing my best. I'm still here, and I'm doing all I can and I think feeling like myself is the first step for having the energy for multiple jobs and applications and research. I have to believe that.

I am grad you got a good night sleep after a while! And I try to always to control and plan every detail on my life for next 10 years but I am learning the hard way to live one day at time as life is never under my total control. I try to focus on what I can control and let life take care of the rest

 

[SeekingAfrica]

That feeling is coming back. I'm well, but not well enough.
It's like that feeling after you've been sick when you feel so fatigued and unstable like the wind can blow you away.

Here's the thing with my plans: most of them need to be ambitious to survive. Most of them do not incorporate down-time or selfcare.
I push myself until I can't, take days off unscheduled, feel guilty and it becomes a thing.

I have 3 weeks to be more together. Yes, that is the deadline. And yes, it's better than last month. Except? This whole plan I have has holes in it. Steps I didn't foresee when beginning. I am all over the place. Nothing is routine anymore. I do things when I can. I rest when I have no choice. I take steps forward and then run in the opposite direction. Steps I've budgeted or planned take more money or longer. I'm moving between 2 notebooks and several apps. My attention span is like that of a toddler.
I brain dumped all that needs to get done but it's so long I can't look at it. I rested and then did a few things, but again randomly.

I like my life in a game better than my own.

I feel like I'm standing in quicksand.
I don't want to deal with the aftermath of the last 2 months mentally, I didn't plan for it. Also I have no clue what's happening with flashbacks.
Hadn't had any since the spring and now I've had 2 in as many weeks, or similar subject, not cool.
I'm scared of moving, of living, of tackling that huge thing.

I feel too damaged, it's like when you want to scrap a project and start fresh, but you don't get in life.
My friends and even my family deserve more.
There is no sleeping this off. I don't want to talk to someone, just turn a new leaf. Still be here, still have my friends and community.... just be more, be better, not repeat mistakes of the past. I don't know how to do that. I just feel weak.

 

[abovedown]

That feeling is coming back. I'm well, but not well enough.
It's like that feeling after you've been sick when you feel so fatigued and unstable like the wind can blow you away.

Here's the thing with my plans: most of them need to be ambitious to survive. Most of them do not incorporate down-time or selfcare.
I push myself until I can't, take days off unscheduled, feel guilty and it becomes a thing.

I have 3 weeks to be more together. Yes, that is the deadline. And yes, it's better than last month. Except? This whole plan I have has holes in it. Steps I didn't foresee when beginning. I am all over the place. Nothing is routine anymore. I do things when I can. I rest when I have no choice. I take steps forward and then run in the opposite direction. Steps I've budgeted or planned take more money or longer. I'm moving between 2 notebooks and several apps. My attention span is like that of a toddler.
I brain dumped all that needs to get done but it's so long I can't look at it. I rested and then did a few things, but again randomly.

I like my life in a game better than my own.

I feel like I'm standing in quicksand.
I don't want to deal with the aftermath of the last 2 months mentally, I didn't plan for it. Also I have no clue what's happening with flashbacks.
Hadn't had any since the spring and now I've had 2 in as many weeks, or similar subject, not cool.
I'm scared of moving, of living, of tackling that huge thing.

I feel too damaged, it's like when you want to scrap a project and start fresh, but you don't get in life.
My friends and even my family deserve more.
There is no sleeping this off. I don't want to talk to someone, just turn a new leaf. Still be here, still have my friends and community.... just be more, be better, not repeat mistakes of the past. I don't know how to do that. I just feel weak.

Most plan have holes when you start to execute them at daily basis. Then you just need to adjust them as needed. Having a plan and actually doing it if often better than not having a plan & spending way worrying without doing anything

And let's say you need to have 1000$ by the end of the month and you only get 900$ by following a plan -> it's still a lot better than having 0$!

Edit: I don't want to spam your thread with a third consecutive message so I will add this here. I feel too that I am somewhat between two places. I feel better than I felt a month ago but my mental space handling what to do with my future is somewhat limited and I try to life one day at a time. Of course I have to have some plans to do my work and finances but I don't have everything figured out. And you don't have to have it figured out either. Just make a plan (and maybe a b plan if needed) and start to execute it. You can adjust the plan as needed as let's see where you are in a month's time. And rinse & repeat.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Most plan have holes when you start to execute them at daily basis. Then you just need to adjust them as needed. Having a plan and actually doing it if often better than not having a plan & spending way worrying without doing anything

That's reassuring actually, usually I'm scared to start so anything that goes wrong ... I get really mean on myself.

And let's say you need to have 1000$ by the end of the month and you only get 900$ by following a plan -> it's still a lot better than having 0$!

Edit: I don't want to spam your thread with a third consecutive message so I will add this here. I feel too that I am somewhat between two places. I feel better than I felt a month ago but my mental space handling what to do with my future is somewhat limited and I try to life one day at a time. Of course I have to have some plans to do my work and finances but I don't have everything figured out. And you don't have to have it figured out either. Just make a plan (and maybe a b plan if needed) and start to execute it. You can adjust the plan as needed as let's see where you are in a month's time. And rinse & repeat.

Spam away. Feel like I have good friends but it's still hard explaining PTSD symptoms to them, so it can feel lonely on such weeks.
I just... my plan was for the month, but the last 2 days I didn't cope well with hours either.
So I lost few days. Now my apartment once again is a mess, I'm behind on work, behind on getting proper food to cook, behind on applications and on looking after myself... Basically I feel like I'm weak and shaky and still reeling from the flashback, but meanwhile there is this pile of MESS I've made with work and my surroundings and myself and I have no clue where to start.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

hairloss, extreme fatigue and depression are 3 major symptoms of low thyroid levels (hypothyroidism). I had this start 10 yesrs ago. It seems burnout/ prolonged massive stress can lead to adrenal fatigue and also to your thyroid "giving up".

It's rediculuous how one can overlook certain things when used to them. I had coffee with my best friend recently. We were randomly talking about some health issues we had and she gently suggested I may have hypothyroidism or Hashimoto's. That opened Pandora's box, because after looking at symptoms I didn't have 2-3 of them (like the mentioned above), but maybe 10 or 12 markers. Didn't have money at the time so I only checked fT3, fT4 and THS or whatever it was called. ALL within normal, but on the lower side, and 2 of them had reduced twice from where they were 8 years ago (though could be attributed to age).
So I am highly suspicious of having something like that. Taking extra vitamin D recently and will get to a doctor when I can.

Now to the actual subject... somehow, I changed many things ... and ended up where I started from in this topic, just more scared, more exhausted, and in a long distance relationship meaning there are people I don't want to give up for. Like I worked on myself and had 2 months of seeing what my life could be like if I was happy and stable... and then everything slowly fell apart again.

HOW am I still BACK HERE?
I am so mad at myself! I am so exhausted! I am so scared of the world changing because I'm not dealing with myself well!
I'm so heartbroken with myself that I did not fix my life at this point. I feel crushed having to start again, scared.
I don't like who I am, I don't like how I present to the world yet I feel stuck at being able to make changes.
Like I need to increase my income immense;ly to make some changes, but getting a job depends on those changes.
I am ashamed that after so much help I am not yet OKAY.
How did I slide back again? How do I accept myself at all?? How do I accept I am worthy of anything?
It's debilitating looking back to see you aren't much further ahead than where you began.

 

[abovedown]

HOW am I still BACK HERE?
I am so mad at myself! I am so exhausted! I am so scared of the world changing because I'm not dealing with myself well!
I'm so heartbroken with myself that I did not fix my life at this point. I feel crushed having to start again, scared.
I don't like who I am, I don't like how I present to the world yet I feel stuck at being able to make changes.
Like I need to increase my income immense;ly to make some changes, but getting a job depends on those changes.
I am ashamed that after so much help I am not yet OKAY.
How did I slide back again? How do I accept myself at all?? How do I accept I am worthy of anything?
It's debilitating looking back to see you aren't much further ahead than where you began.

I too have a lot of better and then not so good times emotionally. It's so frustrating! I feel stupid not being able to move on like everyone else but still feel stuck. I gave someone I can talk about my feelings which has helped but I feel frustrated that recovery seems to take so long. And even I don't know how am I supposed be feel like when Inam 'recovered'. I suppose the old memories are still there? Will the stress and anxiety go away or will I just learn to live with them?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I too have a lot of better and then not so good times emotionally. It's so frustrating! I feel stupid not being able to move on like everyone else but still feel stuck. I gave someone I can talk about my feelings which has helped but I feel frustrated that recovery seems to take so long. And even I don't know how am I supposed be feel like when Inam 'recovered'. I suppose the old memories are still there? Will the stress and anxiety go away or will I just learn to live with them?

I don't think anymore about 'full' recovery. I have friends with chronic illnesses. I have PTSD. It is as it is.
But I have had a few spells, few months when I had worked on myself for a while, and I was solid. Sometimes I got anxiety, but I knew my own symptoms and I could feel panic coming like storm when you look at the sky, but before it's raining. So I knew how to deal with it. And my closest friends are aware, but at those good times I had less panic, less nightmares, even few periods without any medication and I was doing good. Like if you didn't know, you couldn't tell I had anything. I miss those times. Things got in many times more complicated than those times. And I'm still trying to accept that. It's crushing because I invest a lot of feelings into things, a lot of hope when I'm trying to change things and when it doesn't work out I feel it too, completely. As I did in this thread. But I spend a LOT of time crying lately and I'm ready to make a change. Or at least I hope so...