I Don't Want To Do This Anymore

[Bucky]

I suppose the title says it all.

I've had PTSD for a long time now and I've been in therapy for a couple of months now. It's bringing it all to the surface. I've coming to terms with the fact that someone I considered my best friend abused me mentally for years, conditioning me, brainwashing me and making me feel lower than a dog, nothing but a servant to cater to her every whim, a nothing, an 'it' who wasn't allowed thoughts and feelings and opinions and ideas and if I dared to have any of those, they were wrong, stupid, invalid, pointless. My therapist is absolutely amazing, from the first session I felt like he truly cares and he made me feel so safe and I trust him with all of these painful details.

But something inside feels like it's breaking. I don't want to eat, what I do eat makes me feel sick. I don't want to wash, I don't want to get out of bed. I can't sleep easily and when I do it's plagued by nightmares or weird dreams and I wake up feeling exhausted. I'm currently on a couple of weeks holiday from work because I just feel like I can't cope any more. Yesterday I had a flashback and dissociative episode and cut myself worse than I ever have before, it wasn't deep enough to warrant the hospital. All I can think about it killing myself. I've made plans about how I would do it and that is all I can think about. My therapist would be able to give my appointments away to someone else, my partner would be free from the burden of living with me and I would be free from feeling like this every day.

I feel like her abuse took everything of who I was and I have no idea who or what I am any more.

 

[LeanneS]

Hi. I have never posted on here but while I was reading through some posts I came across yours. I just want to tell you there is hope. My husband suffers from ptsd and has for years. Only recently has he found what is hoping to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I want you to know that there are people that understand and can help. I know you feel as if the pain won't ever go away but you just have to find the right treatment for you. There are many different options but sometimes it's takes some time to find the right one. If you are feeling suicidal, please call someone or go to your local hospital. Don't give up. There are people that care about you. I am one of them. XO

 

[SeanCharles]

@Bucky Wow! Thanks for sharing.

I feel like her abuse took everything of who I was and I have no idea who or what I am any more.

Under these circumstances she did take every aspect of your identity away. Feeling that you have no idea who or what you are is not unusual. Recovering from ptsd is a long road. Given that you are in therapy for such a short time doesn't invalidate work you have done necessarily. Suicidal ideation is common, it's acting on and attempting the act that is another matter completely.

Yesterday I had a flashback and dissociative episode and cut myself worse than I ever have before, it wasn't deep enough to warrant the hospital.

As for this dissociative episode, sounds like you might need to work on why this happened and maybe consider what action you can take to control/overcome these episodes from reoccuring. Maybe hospitalization is or isn't an option but I'd discuss this issue with your T if you're comfortable (which is sounds like you are) with him.

I've had an dissociative episode once myself and was gone for 2 to 3 days which should have been 24 hrs and this put myself at risk. I went 60+ miles out of the town I live in to go to our hotspring resort. Coming back, I wound up sleeping out my T's office building until he showed up. My appointment wasn't until later that morning and I was admitted to our psych ward for in patient hospitization. I did find that quite helpful. My T and I eventually worked on getting my apartment owner's approval for an emotional companion dog. Maybe you may or may not benefit from an emotional or service animal just a suggestion to consider.

I wish you the best and hope that this suicidal ideation will come to pass. I occasionally deal with this thinking when I find my stress and anxiety are overwhelming. Hang in there. Life is too short, yet you have time to work out who you are and what you are.

 

[Justmehere]

Hi Bucky, welcome! I'm sorry for what you are going through. :hug:

All I can think about it killing myself. I've made plans about how I would do it and that is all I can think about. My therapist would be able to give my appointments away to someone else, my partner would be free from the burden of living with me and I would be free from feeling like this every day.

You may feel this way, but feelings are different than fact. The fact of the matter is, if you die, your therapist, your partner, and many other people that know you would be horribly crushed and deeply hurt.

It sounds like you really do need relief from the pain. Have you considered doing an intensive inpatient trauma focused treatment program with your time off? Or a partial hospitalization program? Adding a DBT skills group to your individual therapy may also help as well. All these options have helped me when I had no hope and was really struggling to function or keep myself safe. There is hope and help out there, and it sounds like it is time to step up your treatment and support. Have you told your therapist everything that you have shared here about how much you are struggling?

 

[gone]

Sorry to hear about the intense suicidal ideation. I've been through times where it's just a relief to think about suicide rather than my real life. But, truly, people would be absolutely shattered by your loss for the rest of their lives.

My PTSD journey (so far) has involved letting go of who I thought I was—I mean totally letting go—and figuring out who I really am. It was/is terrifying to face this. But as I rebuild, I'm discovering ME—a better *me* than my PTSD-evolved personality.

I'm wondering whether your T has given you adequate grounding skills, the means to come back from dissociative episodes? Dissociation sucks, but you can eventually learn to ride out the rodeo (mostly).

(Sorry, not sure if I'm allowed to discuss meds here? If not, disregard the rest of this post.)

Also sounds to me like you're depressed (not sleeping, not washing) on top of the anxiety (can't eat). It can be tough to reprocess trauma without medications to help the increased anxiety and depression. Plus a skilled practitioner to carefully adjust these meds as your responses to therapy evolve. If you're already on meds, maybe you need to have them reassessed based on new/increased symptoms?

Nightmares are my nightmare. But I've been prescribed Prazosin (off-label) for nightmares and it's amazing. It's an old/cheap (in the US) blood pressure med that somehow reduces PTSD nightmares (by lowering blood pressure, hence response to nightmares, during sleep?). Finally getting good sleep has noticeably helped alleviate other symptoms so that I can reprocess trauma with more resiliency.

Please hang in there. It will get better.