I don't want to exist anymore.

[Littlebirdy44]

Don't worry I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy at the moment. Especially since I just recently got out of the hospital and definitely don't plan on going back anytime soon. But I won't lie I'm still feeling this way. I'm trying so hard. I promise you I'm fighting like hell but god damn this world is cruel. I'm honestly more afraid to live than to die at this point. I know that sounds dramatic but I've been enduring this pain since I was 5 years old and with this most recent assault I'm tapped out of resilience. How do you guys find meaning or hope to keep going? I'm desperate.

 

[anonymous]

How do you guys find meaning or hope to keep going? I'm desperate.

Right now my faith is the only thing that keeps me going, but sometimes I know it can only have been God that has kept me going because sometimes I don't feel like I have any faith left.

 

[survive17]

Don't worry I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy at the moment. Especially since I just recen...

Hey,
I can understand the feeling...I had an attempt a few months ago, was hospitalized twice, and went to a treatment facility for a month and I'm still not feeling well. Suicidal thoughts are always lingering around in my head. I have that exact thought "I dont want to exist anymore" all the time. It's exhausting living this way.
The best I've come up with is focusing on the short term. If today didn't go well - like stayed in bed, didn't shower, smoked all day etc - then I just try to let myself be and not get so down on myself (which is difficult to do, i'm my worst critic). Then, try again the next day. I also like inspirational quotes, or mantras that I keep around me and say to myself like "I've been through this before, I can get through it again" or "Thoughts or feelings are not fact" or "Try again tomorrow." I have also found that if you can have some control over something in your life it really helps to anchor you to something. Right now I'm trying to get back to working out - I can't control most things like the nightmares, lack of job, resources, thoughts but I can control going to the gym.

I hope this helps somewhat...sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom. Good luck and stay safe.

 

[DanielAC]

Don't worry I'm not thinking of doing anything crazy at the moment. Especially since I just recen...

Hey, I get where youre coming from. I'm feeling the same way right now too. I used to be able to find comfort in my faith, but lately I havent been able to and I've had to find other reasons to stay alive. My partner, my friends, even my dog. I stay alive for the woman who always comes by my work asking for a fork with her meal and for my little brother. I try to think, when all else fails, how I don't wanna do wrong by the people in my life by leaving them. Even if I think they hate me.
I try to set goals, for what I look forward to in the next month. They can be silly (a cookie on payday, a therapy appointment that might not lead anywhere) or big (payday in general, hanging out with my granddad who was just released from the hospital). Anything to keep on trucking and looking for better opportunities, get to my biggest goal. ( In 16 months I can finally leave my situation and be with my partner.)
Best of luck, I send love.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

There are two things that work for me. The first is the pain I still feel when I think about my brother who died by suicide almost 20 years ago. Could I cause that much pain to the people who love me?

The second is helping others. When you go out of your way to be kind to a stranger, when you help a neighbour, you take your focus away from yourself. It allows you to really see the world and the people around you. I find that even picking up garbage in a local park will help me feel better.

Good luck, friend. Keep us posted.

 

[anthony]

How do you guys find meaning or hope to keep going? I'm desperate.

The answer for this is not in trying to find meaning or hope. The answer to keep going, is that you have to go through what is bothering you most (aka your trauma). You can try and find meaning. You can hope for the best. You can try and find God or your saviour that they will make it all better. None of it will work whilst your trauma is biting you on the arse each and every minute of your days.

The answer to how you keep going, is to first stop, process your trauma, resolve your trauma and negative emotion -- then you can start moving forward without this lifetime of burden weighing your down.