Memories I don't want

[RainbowSearchParty]

New memories. Or old memories, but things I couldn't and didn't remember for so long. I know my memory isn't solid, but .... this is too much.

I was in a really bad relationship for so many years. Left a decade ago, and now I live in a different country than this awful ex. And honestly I just don't really remember them because it wasn't me that dated them -- it was a different part of me. And I know it was abusive, but that sort of abusive where I sort of thought it was just emotional abuse, maybe financial abuse. The sort of abuse I could almost discount.

But all of a sudden there are memories again. Of waking up to him having sex with me and just laying there, panicked. Being pinned down and feeling like I was going to vomit as he had sex with my body, as my body struggled and panicked and couldn't breathe. And how afterwards he just shrugged it off while I cried in a small heap. And now I think I have acknowledge how bad it was but I also don't want these memories. It's been more than ten years and I already got away.

And just what do I do with this new knowledge?

 

[Friday]

And just what do I do with this new knowledge?

You know… that’s a reeeeeeally good question.

Because, if it wasn’t trauma? What would you do with it? Seriously.

But because it’s trauma it’s weighted as if it HAS to be XYZ, right now, right? Vitally important. Life or death. Hide it, ignore it, shove it away, make it go away; make every waking moment about it, colour every interaction with it, completely change ABCDEFG to give it the respect/importance/gravity… now now now.

I think it might be that whole concurrent timeline thing, where trauma isn’t stored in memory-memory, but as if it’s happening right here, right now. Which WOULD necessitate either dropping everything to deal with the emergency -or- shoving it out of the way to survive. But it’s not actually happening right now. So there’s a lot of disconnect & dissonance, at the same time as there is real urgency attached.