I Don't Want To See My Children Suffering.

[liliya]

Hi, dears.

First I have to say sorry for my wrong spellings because I am not an English speaker.

After reading all your nice comments I want to share my story with you, maybe I can get some help.

I am 34 years old female. Born in small town in nearly poor family. I have very abusive father which always abuse my mum verbaly and physically. I have been beaten up and seen my other sisters being beaten up too.

But on the other hand my dad also the love us and we always feel that.

After long I get married and I have guy which loved me very much and respect me , nearly carry me on his hands, but for some issues we have to seperate. Again culturaly and family issuses.

After this I live very hard life alone because after I get married, my dad did not come after me, like I wasn"t existing. He didn't let my mother to come as well. I am not upset my mum because she always scare me, all life been abused and being beaten up by my dad.

After seperating and living alone I had very bad life , l had no food , no money, no house to stay, completly alone and helpless. There is days I have to sleep in apartment blocks to protect my self from street people. With tears in my eyes and hurt in my heart. Always looking for some angel to save me, I wanted to have family and most I want it is children.

After all month's I meet with guy and I feel in love his attitude and gentle character. After few months he told me he loves me and we get married. Begining of our married he is been drinking a bit, I told this is normal , everyone can drink whenever they feel little bit happy never have experience with alcohol. Short cut he was an alcoholic. ( my bad luck) after I get pregnent he start to going out nearly every night and coming back drunk. As a pregnant women I was getting very angry and fighting.

After very long years I also find he is sex addict. I dont want to explain. Anyone knows what this meant except I didnt know about addiction untill my friend told me. ( like internet, prostitues, having groop sex, swingers party and more)

Now lets talk about me.

After having bad life this add more to my mental problems. First I got very deeply depressed , like suside and extra. I never get help from my hubby because he always was drunk and into his sex life. About sex life I only find 6 years later we married..( because I always trusted him and he is a good lie, even when I found the condoms at home he said his friend was here with his girlfriend maybe they left( In the end he wasn't even hiding from me he was doing things in front of my eyes. strip clubs ,condoms in his bag , runing for holidays to diffrent country where he can freely get lots of sex and parties)

I have to look after my little girl alone. Even he is there but only his body.

One day he told me I am sick I need to see doctor, because I am always fighting and screaming and being abusive.. ( I am wondering what anyone else would do if her husband come home every night after 3 am, very drunk and lipstik alover his face + tells me I am, slut, cheap prostitue, spits on my face) . Yes I was screaming and being abusive. always thinking I am bad women I can make my huband happy. ( Its bad to say about my self but I am pretty women and attractive . I am not nursistick just want to tell you nothin g is wrong with my look, my husband can change me)

All this time I avoid every man they want to use my problems and be close to me. I love my husband even after all. He promise he will be good man, so I forgive him and after we have second child ( u see how stupid I am ? I get trapped very fast because I love him?)

I went doctor when first time he asked me . That time I really had depression so I feel guilty and told its all my fault and I went to see psychiatrist. I few month medication.

One day when my mother visit me she saw i am getting very bad into medication she took me back and help me to get out my depression, she saw my husband doesn't do anything to help me insted pushing me to edge) By the way after I get married I went back to my family and my dad except me and told me I am happy you didn't come back alone after all u get married and come back with your husband . So importnat is not me come back, important he didn't get shame front of his neighbours.

I come back from my country again, same trash happening so depression again. One more year treatment in the end my doctor told me if you want to feel better get rid of this guy. No more medication can help you. You are naturally a happy women.

After my second child he tryed to be good man but nothing happen.. He stop drinking and hookers but not totally, I catch him many times after all. I am not scare to divorce but I dont want my children to suffer, also he helpd me when I was alone (he married me) I think I couldn't live him alone with problem. I want him to be in healthy condithion and I will live him to say I lied to me..but still children, I dont know.

I went to see doctor two days go to get help to control my emothions , not get agressive and angry very fast . ( not to see my children suffuring , I dont want to be abusive mother) He diagnosed me with panic disorder. Yes I have strong panic attacks , but I already know even few minutes before I am going to get panic attacks and I am training my self for that) He give me medicines. Today I been looking in net I found out iIalso could have post traumatic stress disorder..

Now you know nearly evrythink about my life .. please let me know if its possible all this can cause me PTSD? Anywhere I am looking its painfull memories, every women I am looking feeling suspicious..Everything my husband does I am suspisious to, my brain never relaxes. I can not give enough attention to my children because all day thinking what is he doing? He always comes bed very late nearly in the morning and I am thinking maybe he is again into sex sites , chating . bla bla..

I am tierd of going bed alone , spend my life alone even I am married, sick of seeing cranky face at home all day. Hearing only his work stories, I know we have to share this things too, but not only that. Many more there, but tell me how should I get out from my PTSD?

I know its started when I am small and add it up all my life..

Thanks

<Edited By Amethist>

 

[Kintsugi]

Oh, Ililiya, welcome to the forum. It is possible that you have PTSD, but you need to ask a professional. Whether or not you have PTSD, it sounds like you are struggling, and it's so very good that you don't want your children to suffer. You've been through a lot. Are you seeing a therapist or counselor now?

By the way, if you don't mind me asking, what is your native language? Your English is not bad at all.

 

[Mercy]

Thanks for being brave and trying to find help. I hope we can help support you. There is a lot of kindness here.

 

[Crl1983]

I don't know whether or not you have PTSD, you must be diagnosed by a professional.

I will tell you that you need to get away from that man, and continue to get help for yourself and your anger issues. He also needs help but he is going to have to do it on his own, if he ever does. It is going to hurt your children more if you stay and they see the way he treats you and the way you two fight all the time.

They do not need to grow up seeing and hearing things like what is going on in your relationship. The things that are going on will mess them up bad. It will also hurt you more. What if he gives you an STD from one of these other women he messes with? You are being taken advantage of. Sounds like he is basically blaming all of his problems (the drinking, the sex addiction) on you, and then makes you feel bad when you get angry about the way he treats you. Even if he does not hit you, you are being emotionally abused if he is calling you names, belittling you, blaming, ignoring you and openly cheating on you. It also sounds like he has made you entirely dependent on him financially. You said he spits on you. That is abusive behavior physically, and he may do worse someday, especially if he is prone to drinking so much and you yourself are violent.

It is better off that you leave, and get your children into a safe, peaceful environment where you can heal. There are programs that will help women by providing temporary shelter, counseling, and will teach you skills, help you find a job and teach you how to live independently. Yes, you can take your children with you when you enter one of these programs. You can also get government assistance with things such as food and insurance, and even housing assistance if you need it.

You are in a bad cycle with him and you need to break it, so that it does not get passed down to your children, to the next generation in your family. You may love him but sounds like he is ill himself, he is not helping you heal, and until he gets help and gets better I don't think it is safe for you to be around him.