Relationship I Don't Want Tomorrow To Come

[discarded]

Tomorrow is my husband's birthday, the first since we separated 3 1/2 months ago due to his ongoing denial of his PTSD and refusal to seek treatment. I don't know if I should send him birthday wishes or not, I don't want to ruin his day. I have bought him gifts from myself and our daughter and she can give them to him when she sees him on Saturday. Our adult kids are planning a lunch for Sunday, my adult daughter has invited me along but my sons feel it is inappropriate for me to attend.

When I first left him he asked if it could be temporary, he said he needed time and space to work himself out. He said he wanted to see me amd our daughter on a regular basis. He still helps me financially and though we don't see each other or talk much we are supposed to be buying joint Christmas gifts for the kids. (I pick and do the running around and he pays). However 3 1/2 months seems no where near long enough for him. He has done nothing to seek help. He seems content for now to wollow in his own misery by drinking himself to sleep every night after a full days work. If I ask him anything he doesn't want to answer he calls it abuse and ends the conversation or just goes quiet. Hence I don't ask any more.

Christmas is just around the corner and if it were at all possible I would just sleep right through it. But as I have an 11 year old to celebrate with and my older kids and grandchildren I will have to face the day and whatever PTSD had to throw my way. I get anxious now at the thought of seeing my husband and yet I miss him and worry about him all the time. I could really do with some advice on how to manage these 2 days. Oh Crap!! Our wedding anniversary is just around the corner too, in January, would have been our 28th. :( Yep, my depression has gotten me bad and I am getting help for that.

 

[Toria]

Oh Discarded - I am so, so sorry. I would reach through the screen and hug you if I could. Wouldn't it be great if we had a crystal ball and could foresee the consequences of our actions? Personally... I would send him a card. You are still his wife and hopefully - somewhere deep down - he will appreciate it. x

 

[discarded]

Thanks Toria. Sadder still, he doesn't even want our 11 year old daughter to spend any part of the day with him. She suffers so much and I just have to keep on reassuring her that he loves her and just isn't in a good place right now.

 

[amethist]

I wish there was something useful I could say to help alleviate the pain discarded, but I cant come up with a single thing.

Giving your daughter all the love you can is the only thing that comes to mind.

Hugs to you and your daughter.

 

[Dallas]

You've had a spiritual trauma that needs time to heal. Give yourself time, and don't try to push yourself too much. It's the same as a physical trauma and it will take time.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Bilby]

Discarded, I often think of you as you were one of the first people I spoke to here. I wish things were moving along to a happier place for you all.

I think I'd send a card too - but otherwise just hang back for his birthday - leave it in the hands of your adult children to see him as they are planning on doing. It seems like he just can't cope with much right now - i.e. those closest to him, being yourself and your daughter. Well, that's just what I think may be happening any way. I feel for your daughter as it must be incredibly confusing for her too. I hope that he treats her with the respect she deserves when she sees him tomorrow for his birthday and that he enjoys her company and the present she gives him. Is she invited to the lunch on Sunday too? If so, I would just drop her around there and then leave them too it, as hard as it would be...

Christmas - are you guys all spending it together? I have no idea how to suggest you might cope through that day in particular if you are all together, except to say that you will make it. You might feel ridiculously tired and drained as a result of the emotional strain you will be under, but I know you have your daughter's best interests at heart (along with your older children too of course) and so I know you'll do what you can to make it 'normal' for them.

That said - your older children will have a better understanding perhaps of the fact that he has PTSD and that he really is NOT right at the moment and that this will be difficult for you. I hope that they can privately acknowledge this too you as a little bit of understanding from them would go a long way for you right now.

B x

 

[discarded]

Thanks to all of you for your kind words and support. I texted him happy birthday and he responded with a thanks, which is is more than I usually get. He did ring me to talk about another matter but kept it brief as usual. All of us have been invited on Sunday for lunch but I don't know if he is aware that I have been. Our daughter doesn't want to go, she says it is enough to see him Saturday for the morning.

Christmas is still in the planning. I will probably have something at my place but it is very small to have all of us. If he is up to it we can transfer to our home where my husband lives but that will depend entirely on how he is on the day.

My Christmas wish is for him to finally go back to counselling but I won't hold out for that to happen. Thanks again to all of you.

 

[Trembling]

Discarded, I do not even dare to think that I can imagine how you felt and still feel about Christmas.

Two weeks ago was my husband's birthday and I was thinking of him, and in my thoughts wishing him a happy birthday, crying with my thoughts, as I had planned so much for that day, before all the bad things happened.

I do not know how Christmas will be, but as I will be with my Mum I want to make it nice, and worth to remember.

Your kids, all of them, need you, and you need them to look forward, to look into a future, which might be a long way to go, and at the moment not visible, but I try to convince you, as there has to be something out there, to make you smile, when you get up in the morning, knowing that it is Christmas day!

Hugs

 

[discarded]

Thanks Trembling. Well I survived the day. My daughter and her family visited and kept me company to take my mind off things. The kids have planned something for him tomorrow and although I am invited I don't think I will go.

This will be my first Christmas without my beautiful Mum who passed away at the beginning of the year. I have had such a crap year with many struggles of my own and no real support to get me through it. My GP is a lovely lady and has insisted I see her more frequently in the lead up to Christmas so I have an extra person to talk things through with. I will also see my counsellor the week before Christmas to devise some coping strategies for the holiday season. And I am the one without PTSD, just depression.

I have spent Christmases without my husband due to deployments but that was very different to this as he actually wanted to share the day with me and our family. I know I will get through this, my mind tells me what to do but then the emotions just take over and I fall apart.

 

[Bilby]

This will be my first Christmas without my beautiful Mum who passed away

Oh discarded, I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. I remember like it was yesterday when my Dad died, yet it was in 2001. It hurts. This Christmas will be a year of "firsts" in more ways than one - that's something I truly wish you didn't have to go through. That's far too much...... Try to remember some good things about your Mum though - the things she got to share with you and your children - all the special times. Unfortunately my Dad died before my little ones were born and I so wish he had met them....

And I am the one without PTSD, just depression.

It's not "just" depression - depression is hard in it's own right :( I don't know what it's like to walk in your shoes, but I do know a life with depression and by christ it can be a living nightmare at times. This Christmas, you need to do whatever it takes to look after you, and your daughter. I can't believe how hard it will be, but I am sure you have the strength to get through it with your head held high. Your GP sounds fantastic - I wish there were more like that in the world! Take her up on her offer - and use the forums here too.

I'll be thinking of you - and am always happy to have a chat, ok? :hug:

B x

 

[discarded]

We have something in common Bilby, my Dad died in 2001 as well. Thanks for your comments. The kids arranged a family get together for their Dad for his birthday. My eldest daughter organised it following the boys prompting. She invited me but one son thought I should not attend. Maybe he was right. I did go and my husband was civil toward me but that was it. Here I was in my own home feeling like a stranger, it was awful.

So I have decided that Christmas this year will be about me and my youngest daughter. In the past I did all the work and the kids and their families all just rocked up and enjoyed themselves. This year will be different though. If they want to call in to see me they can but there will be nothing formal.

One problem I have though, my husband suggested some weeks ago that we buy joint presents as we usually have. This meant of course that I pick and he contributes financially. I don't know what to do about giving the presents though, we would usually be all together. I don't want to write Christmas cards this year either. We have many interstate friends that don't know we have split up and I am not ready to not put him on the cards. I am not ready to answer questions, especially at Christmas time.

 

[Bilby]

Here I was in my own home feeling like a stranger, it was awful.

:( I can only imagine.

So I have decided that Christmas this year will be about me and my youngest daughter. In the past I did all the work and the kids and their families all just rocked up and enjoyed themselves. This year will be different though. If they want to call in to see me they can but there will be nothing formal.

I'm pleased to hear this. Do something for you and your daughter - whatever it is you feel like doing to make the day special for the two of you.

In relation to the presents, if you aren't all going to be together this year and you spend Christmas with your youngest, perhaps ask if you can put presents underneath their respective Christmas trees and that way they can open them up on Christmas Day. I know it means you won't be there to see it, but at least they will have the gift/s?

In terms of the Christmas Cards - why not forget them this year. If anyone asks any questions, perhaps just say you've been incredibly busy in the lead up to Christmas and whilst you would have dearly loved to send cards, you simply didn't get the time (work got really busy etc etc). People usually understand this. If you are on Facebook or something like that and your friends are too, perhaps you could do a status update that wishes your many friends a very happy Christmas and explains that you are busy and won't be sending cards this year?

I'm so sorry to hear that you have lost your Dad too. I truly believe that it does not matter how old we are - everyone is too young to lose a parent. It's like we are a house - and they are the foundations upon which we build ourselves, carrying their morals and beliefs, having their support through good times and bad. I imagine that having now lost both parents, you would feel quite lonely... I still feel this sometimes, even though I have my husband and children, my Mum, my brother....

Anyway, I don't want to drone on with things that might cause further sadness... just know that I'm here :)

B x