Im 25 and i've struggled with alcoholism since I was 14, although there have been long periods when it was under control so I avoided using that label. It was about 5 months ago I made the decision to live sober, but I've had a lot of relapses, and they all involved hiding liquor / drinking in secret from my boyfriend who I live with. Obviously this is a big violation of my boyfriend's trust and he is hurt by being lied to. I read the big book and started going to meetings about a month ago. But I still relapsed last Friday and again last night. I feel terrible. I wish I could take it back so bad. I know the only way to regain my boyfriend's trust is day by sober day. It just doesn't feel like enough. I hate that I keep doing this, not just to myself but to him. What can I do to make amends???? He has given me so many chances, and he's giving me another one now, and even though i love him and want to be with him I don't feel like I deserve to after all this.
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I Drank Again... My Partner Deserves Better
- Post starter maya
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The Albatross
VIP Member
Maya? YOU deserve better... don't give up recovery and realize that you matter to others, like your boyfriend and others who may feel concern/worry or be afraid or even disappointed for you... but you also need to learn how to stop sabotaging yourself and value yourself. K?
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Thank you :wideeyed:
The Albatross
VIP Member
Hey I almost killed myself with booze and someone had to tell me that. Back to recovery for you... and the lapse underscores why you're doing this (attempting sobriety). Keep posting and get support k?
If you're going to quit drinking, you have to do it for yourself, not for him. Otherwise it won't work. If you're only trying to stay sober for him, you shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with -- not until you get to a place where you realize you have to quit for YOURSELF, and not someone else.
At age 25, you are an adult. I see no reason why an adult woman should have guilt over living her life as she pleases & owning up to her mistakes. Alcoholism didn't just show up on your door. It was a 25 year process for you to get to where you are today. Work the sobriety program for YOU & if your dude has an issue with what you choose to do in private, then he might be part of the problem because he might have control issues & you might have "daddy" issues because you refer to him in an authoritarian manner in your letter.
I was once young & had to live with a guy in order not to have to live with my parents. I worked & so did he, but we partied a lot & it took me over 22 years & a ton of guys to see the writing on the wall. I was my worst enemy & you might also be your own worst enemy too, because you have not taken the time to get to know the adult you & help her to grow into a woman who makes better choices for herself. You may never find Mr Right & that's ok if you have a B plan & C plan in your head somewhere. Try all 26 letter of the alphabet until you find something that works for you to keep you on a path of healthy living. I doubt you or anyone else has ever found it with a person they have to hide things from.
Yes, Maya, you do deserve better for yourself & for the world! Are you ready to experience the pain in order to get there? Only you knows the answer to that question. Good luck & hugs.
I was once young & had to live with a guy in order not to have to live with my parents. I worked & so did he, but we partied a lot & it took me over 22 years & a ton of guys to see the writing on the wall. I was my worst enemy & you might also be your own worst enemy too, because you have not taken the time to get to know the adult you & help her to grow into a woman who makes better choices for herself. You may never find Mr Right & that's ok if you have a B plan & C plan in your head somewhere. Try all 26 letter of the alphabet until you find something that works for you to keep you on a path of healthy living. I doubt you or anyone else has ever found it with a person they have to hide things from.
Yes, Maya, you do deserve better for yourself & for the world! Are you ready to experience the pain in order to get there? Only you knows the answer to that question. Good luck & hugs.
Freedomfighter
Diamond Member
Well, you should share your troubles with him. If you are trying to stay away from alcohol and have relapses then there is something in your life, within your mind that drives you to that kind of self abuse. Alcoholism is self abuse.
You will have to find out why you are going towards alcohol again and perhaps even note down which kind of situations tend to drive you to alcohol.
Mind and body are connected. So when you are hurting mentally then you are weaker and then may partake in unhealthy behaviors.
Other than that it is an issue that only you and your partner can solve together. That is not to say of course that a therapist should not be included. A therapist may be able to shed light onto the situation and help you to figure out why you are retreating to alcohol.
One step at a time
Diamond Member
I "liked" your message to let you know I'm listening.
The others have mostly covered it, but I just wanted to say:
- I'm sorry you have experienced enough pain that alcohol feels like a necessary coping mechanism. It sounds like you felt ashamed and guilty, but it also sounds you lapsed because that was your way of taking care of yourself, of protecting yourself from the pain. And nobody can fault you for that.
- But there are alternatives, I promise.
- A therapist can help you find ways of coping that do not cause you further pain, and a therapist can help you heal.
- That is not the only route to healing. There are many people here, with many different paths to getting better, which is what makes this site such a good resource. I am glad you found your way here.
Sending support, and a hug if you want it.
The others have mostly covered it, but I just wanted to say:
- I'm sorry you have experienced enough pain that alcohol feels like a necessary coping mechanism. It sounds like you felt ashamed and guilty, but it also sounds you lapsed because that was your way of taking care of yourself, of protecting yourself from the pain. And nobody can fault you for that.
- But there are alternatives, I promise.
- A therapist can help you find ways of coping that do not cause you further pain, and a therapist can help you heal.
- That is not the only route to healing. There are many people here, with many different paths to getting better, which is what makes this site such a good resource. I am glad you found your way here.
Sending support, and a hug if you want it.
D
Deleted member 34561
AA is not for everyone. I tried it for 2 months and like you I kept relapsing in spite of going to meetings. It sounds like like me you have complex needs because of past trauma? And there is something or someone in your environment that keeps triggering you to drink? I'm no expert but what is helping me is going to my local drug and alcohol clinic for support and therapy. At the moment I'm keeping a drinks diary to see how much I drink and when I drink more than I should because of how shit I'm feeling. And WHY I'm feeling like shit. I think if you can identify the WHY like I'm doing between us we may get the measure of this thing. Best of luck to you xoxo
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