I stated in another thread that it was my last post, but felt I should post this because it is something very difficult for me to understand.
An overall view of the relationship with my ex is this: we met, I fell for her, then learned she had PTSD, and with time, she is bipolar. We struggled, had arguments, learned to communicate better, and in four months we were talking about a life-long relationship.
Just the other day she was talking about a cruise her family was taking to Hawaii in April 09, and that she wanted me to come along, so we had plans for the future and not just the weekend. We were close, and she told me that she felt very connected with me, and I believed it. She has very low self-esteem, is very depressed and has a lot of issues that seem to be around her looks and her life. She's embarrassed by her condition, and has a lot of problems with everything.
What I did know about her was this: she has a friend whom she's known for about 25 years and he paid for breast enhancements (to the tune of $10k) because he felt it would help her self-esteem. He has been buying her bikinis and medicine, and is planning on spending another $8k next year, in addition to the hundreds that he gives her already. She also has some facial scarring/issues and has another "friend" that has paid thousands for cosmetic surgery, and he has been buying her expensive cosmetic products as well.
She had been telling me that they are just friends and that there was nothing more, that she had no attraction to them whatsoever. Of course, it was hard to believe, but when I asked again she blew up and made an issue out of it, asking if I understood what "real friends" are. She said of the first guy that he had asked her to marry him, and she couldn't because she has never been attracted to him, and says she knows he's in love with her. She liked the money he gave her, so she just kept taking it. She said of the second guy that she can't stand him, that he annoys her, she doesn't like him much and that he calls her constantly. She takes his money, too, but claims that there was nothing there, either, for her.
Now what I didn't know, but found out
I had suspicions that there was more to their "friendships" and I was right. I won't elaborate how I found out, and although she despises me for finding out I really don't care about the methods because I was right about her. The first guy, who is married and has a small child, was coming to see her for a couple days once in a while and started wanting sex from her, so she was complying. I even know she disliked that it was all he seemed to want when she just wanted someone to be her friend and accept her for who she is, but he wanted something in exchange for the money he was spending on her. He even talked her into doing sex videos, and was bothered at times when she didn't want to do anymore of them. He was trying to "earn" some money, so he no doubt wanted to put them on the internet. I had met this guy, so he knew that we were dating, but he, of course, pretended to just be a friend.
The second guy had zero knowledge of me, and she saw him occasionally and they apparently were having sex as well. She would tell me she was visiting a female friend out of town, and even called me saying she was having a great time, but I found out she was with him. She was sending him emails the same night she was with me asking where her money was that he was sending her for other things, bills, etc. Apparently they were dating last year, and he knew about the first guy and his money, but probably not that she was sleeping with him too.
She repeatedly told both guys that she loved them, and of course it was all about the money.
About the sex
She spent the night at my place once and we fooled around and were going to have sex but I stopped because I didn't think we were ready for that so early in our relationship. The next morning she became very ill and vomitted quite a bit, but claimed she didn't know why she got sick. She had been raped long ago and she was telling me that she wasn't ready and was uncomfortable with it. She even told me she asked her therapist when she'd be able to have sex again, but apparently didn't tell him about her romps with these "friends". I suspect she got sick that night because of what sex means to her with them, and since she wanted a real relationship with me it was difficult to be that intimate. These so called friends made sex an exchange for the money they were spending, and it became meaningless to her, I'm guessing.
So I ended it
I confronted her about her friendship with these guys and she adamantly denied having sex with either of them, then when I didn't back down she accused me of reading one of her journals (which I hadn't any knowledge of) and that was basically an admittance that it happened, so she couldn't deny it any longer. I told her I knew about the sex tapes, and she denied that but then later blamed it on "being young and confused and many years ago". I doubt that, but it doesn't matter...it was a recent topic with the two of them when she wanted all of them back or she would let the guy's wife know and send all their steamy emails to her. Yes, they were at odds and she was viscious about their relationship, yet today he was with her and took her to a casino gambling (or who knows what else) and they are close "friends" still.
When I confronted her, I called because I knew she was with her friend today. I asked to see her and asked if our relationship was important. She wanted to know why I was asking and when I told her she denied it and spun it into me having a problem with her friend (jealousy). It went on and I knew almost instantly that the relationship was over, and went to her house and brought some of her things back, and when they finally showed up she went into attack mode. Of course, her "friend" gave me all sorts of grief as if he'd never done anything wrong with her, and he called the cops on me and she accused me of trespassing her property. It got ugly, but despite the fact that I'd only talked to her neighbor a couple times he assured me he's seen her do this before and told me, "I'm with you, I know how she is". It just went downhill from there, and I finally got my things and I left.
I was in tears about this and just can't believe that she was living another life, and her family had no idea that she was having sexual relationships with these guys, especially the first since she's known him so long. She flat out told everyone, right in front of the guy, that she's not attracted to him in any way and would never have a relationship with him, her brother told me.
My take on this
I don't claim to be a therapist or anything, so for what it's worth this is what I think. She wanted someone to love her for who she was, flaws and all, and I became that person because I never cared about anything else. I truly believe that she wanted a life-long relationship with me, and she entrusted me with personal things that you just don't trust to someone you've known for four months. She even told me things that her parents didn't know about her, like maxed out credit cards that she had. She felt comfortable with me, but of course not enough to divulge her secret life.
These guys took advantage of her vulnerabilities, and they used her to get something back for the money they were spending. She clearly didn't want a relationship with either of them, but wanted their money so she complied. They are not her "friends" because they spent money to get her attention, and then asked for something in return. Their money helped some of her problems go away temporarily, and that, in turn, made her feel better. But the sex was something that she did out of guilt and shame, and it was getting to her. She couldn't have sex with me because of how sex with them made her feel, and that's probably why she got sick that morning. Sex made her feel dirty, and not how she wanted to feel about it. She wanted it to be a good experience but couldn't get it out of her head that it was a tool she used to get money and products from these guys. If they were truly her friends and really cared about her they wouldn't have expected sex or a relationship in return for what they were spending. Of course, who spends thousands on a friend without any expectations? Just didn't sound right to me and I began to look for answers. I think these guys are losers who preyed on her and took advantage of her. Yes, she is responsible for her actions, but that doesn't change what they did. They are scum in my book, and they kept her self-esteem very low by doing what they did, because they made her feel cheap. She just wanted someone to accept her for who she was and to be her friend without any expectations, but they made promises to her to gain her trust and to win her over.
She's much worse off than I had thought, and I'm still reeling over this and can't sleep, and haven't eaten all day. I would be lying if I said I don't care about her, because I know that I do. I now feel very sorry for her because her parents are out of town for the summer and although they don't blame me they had no idea what she was doing with these guys and now she is going to be unbareable. Her friend leaves in the morning, unless he decides to stay with her for a couple days, and she will be all alone with her son who doesn't respect her. Although it's not my responsibility, I do feel horrible about this and am worried about her mental health. I could have ignored this and hoped she would come around, but I know that wasn't going to happen and it wasn't fair to me. I do blame her for getting caught up in it all, but I blame them for taking advantage of her, they knew what they were doing too and didn't seem to really care about what it was doing to her emotionally.
I feel like emailing the second guy and telling him what I think of him just as I told the first guy today. He doubtfully knew of my existence, and perhaps she was stringing him along as well about the first guy being "just a friend". But if I do contact him and tell him what he's doing to her and about who I was for the past four months, there's a chance that he will have it out with her and she could get worse. This is such a mess, and I know I should just brush off my hands and walk away from it all, but she is a mess and she needs extreme help. On a Burns Depression Checklist she was rated as "severly depressed" and no doubt these "friends" are contributing to that depression because of how she feels overall about what she's doing. Sure, the money is her fix, but like any drug it doesn't last and she just needs more. They provide the temporary fix, and when she has another bill to pay she gets depressed again.
I bought her things like any boyfriend would, but I didn't expect anything om return other than her love, and I thought I had it. Who knew?
Unbroken
An overall view of the relationship with my ex is this: we met, I fell for her, then learned she had PTSD, and with time, she is bipolar. We struggled, had arguments, learned to communicate better, and in four months we were talking about a life-long relationship.
Just the other day she was talking about a cruise her family was taking to Hawaii in April 09, and that she wanted me to come along, so we had plans for the future and not just the weekend. We were close, and she told me that she felt very connected with me, and I believed it. She has very low self-esteem, is very depressed and has a lot of issues that seem to be around her looks and her life. She's embarrassed by her condition, and has a lot of problems with everything.
What I did know about her was this: she has a friend whom she's known for about 25 years and he paid for breast enhancements (to the tune of $10k) because he felt it would help her self-esteem. He has been buying her bikinis and medicine, and is planning on spending another $8k next year, in addition to the hundreds that he gives her already. She also has some facial scarring/issues and has another "friend" that has paid thousands for cosmetic surgery, and he has been buying her expensive cosmetic products as well.
She had been telling me that they are just friends and that there was nothing more, that she had no attraction to them whatsoever. Of course, it was hard to believe, but when I asked again she blew up and made an issue out of it, asking if I understood what "real friends" are. She said of the first guy that he had asked her to marry him, and she couldn't because she has never been attracted to him, and says she knows he's in love with her. She liked the money he gave her, so she just kept taking it. She said of the second guy that she can't stand him, that he annoys her, she doesn't like him much and that he calls her constantly. She takes his money, too, but claims that there was nothing there, either, for her.
Now what I didn't know, but found out
I had suspicions that there was more to their "friendships" and I was right. I won't elaborate how I found out, and although she despises me for finding out I really don't care about the methods because I was right about her. The first guy, who is married and has a small child, was coming to see her for a couple days once in a while and started wanting sex from her, so she was complying. I even know she disliked that it was all he seemed to want when she just wanted someone to be her friend and accept her for who she is, but he wanted something in exchange for the money he was spending on her. He even talked her into doing sex videos, and was bothered at times when she didn't want to do anymore of them. He was trying to "earn" some money, so he no doubt wanted to put them on the internet. I had met this guy, so he knew that we were dating, but he, of course, pretended to just be a friend.
The second guy had zero knowledge of me, and she saw him occasionally and they apparently were having sex as well. She would tell me she was visiting a female friend out of town, and even called me saying she was having a great time, but I found out she was with him. She was sending him emails the same night she was with me asking where her money was that he was sending her for other things, bills, etc. Apparently they were dating last year, and he knew about the first guy and his money, but probably not that she was sleeping with him too.
She repeatedly told both guys that she loved them, and of course it was all about the money.
About the sex
She spent the night at my place once and we fooled around and were going to have sex but I stopped because I didn't think we were ready for that so early in our relationship. The next morning she became very ill and vomitted quite a bit, but claimed she didn't know why she got sick. She had been raped long ago and she was telling me that she wasn't ready and was uncomfortable with it. She even told me she asked her therapist when she'd be able to have sex again, but apparently didn't tell him about her romps with these "friends". I suspect she got sick that night because of what sex means to her with them, and since she wanted a real relationship with me it was difficult to be that intimate. These so called friends made sex an exchange for the money they were spending, and it became meaningless to her, I'm guessing.
So I ended it
I confronted her about her friendship with these guys and she adamantly denied having sex with either of them, then when I didn't back down she accused me of reading one of her journals (which I hadn't any knowledge of) and that was basically an admittance that it happened, so she couldn't deny it any longer. I told her I knew about the sex tapes, and she denied that but then later blamed it on "being young and confused and many years ago". I doubt that, but it doesn't matter...it was a recent topic with the two of them when she wanted all of them back or she would let the guy's wife know and send all their steamy emails to her. Yes, they were at odds and she was viscious about their relationship, yet today he was with her and took her to a casino gambling (or who knows what else) and they are close "friends" still.
When I confronted her, I called because I knew she was with her friend today. I asked to see her and asked if our relationship was important. She wanted to know why I was asking and when I told her she denied it and spun it into me having a problem with her friend (jealousy). It went on and I knew almost instantly that the relationship was over, and went to her house and brought some of her things back, and when they finally showed up she went into attack mode. Of course, her "friend" gave me all sorts of grief as if he'd never done anything wrong with her, and he called the cops on me and she accused me of trespassing her property. It got ugly, but despite the fact that I'd only talked to her neighbor a couple times he assured me he's seen her do this before and told me, "I'm with you, I know how she is". It just went downhill from there, and I finally got my things and I left.
I was in tears about this and just can't believe that she was living another life, and her family had no idea that she was having sexual relationships with these guys, especially the first since she's known him so long. She flat out told everyone, right in front of the guy, that she's not attracted to him in any way and would never have a relationship with him, her brother told me.
My take on this
I don't claim to be a therapist or anything, so for what it's worth this is what I think. She wanted someone to love her for who she was, flaws and all, and I became that person because I never cared about anything else. I truly believe that she wanted a life-long relationship with me, and she entrusted me with personal things that you just don't trust to someone you've known for four months. She even told me things that her parents didn't know about her, like maxed out credit cards that she had. She felt comfortable with me, but of course not enough to divulge her secret life.
These guys took advantage of her vulnerabilities, and they used her to get something back for the money they were spending. She clearly didn't want a relationship with either of them, but wanted their money so she complied. They are not her "friends" because they spent money to get her attention, and then asked for something in return. Their money helped some of her problems go away temporarily, and that, in turn, made her feel better. But the sex was something that she did out of guilt and shame, and it was getting to her. She couldn't have sex with me because of how sex with them made her feel, and that's probably why she got sick that morning. Sex made her feel dirty, and not how she wanted to feel about it. She wanted it to be a good experience but couldn't get it out of her head that it was a tool she used to get money and products from these guys. If they were truly her friends and really cared about her they wouldn't have expected sex or a relationship in return for what they were spending. Of course, who spends thousands on a friend without any expectations? Just didn't sound right to me and I began to look for answers. I think these guys are losers who preyed on her and took advantage of her. Yes, she is responsible for her actions, but that doesn't change what they did. They are scum in my book, and they kept her self-esteem very low by doing what they did, because they made her feel cheap. She just wanted someone to accept her for who she was and to be her friend without any expectations, but they made promises to her to gain her trust and to win her over.
She's much worse off than I had thought, and I'm still reeling over this and can't sleep, and haven't eaten all day. I would be lying if I said I don't care about her, because I know that I do. I now feel very sorry for her because her parents are out of town for the summer and although they don't blame me they had no idea what she was doing with these guys and now she is going to be unbareable. Her friend leaves in the morning, unless he decides to stay with her for a couple days, and she will be all alone with her son who doesn't respect her. Although it's not my responsibility, I do feel horrible about this and am worried about her mental health. I could have ignored this and hoped she would come around, but I know that wasn't going to happen and it wasn't fair to me. I do blame her for getting caught up in it all, but I blame them for taking advantage of her, they knew what they were doing too and didn't seem to really care about what it was doing to her emotionally.
I feel like emailing the second guy and telling him what I think of him just as I told the first guy today. He doubtfully knew of my existence, and perhaps she was stringing him along as well about the first guy being "just a friend". But if I do contact him and tell him what he's doing to her and about who I was for the past four months, there's a chance that he will have it out with her and she could get worse. This is such a mess, and I know I should just brush off my hands and walk away from it all, but she is a mess and she needs extreme help. On a Burns Depression Checklist she was rated as "severly depressed" and no doubt these "friends" are contributing to that depression because of how she feels overall about what she's doing. Sure, the money is her fix, but like any drug it doesn't last and she just needs more. They provide the temporary fix, and when she has another bill to pay she gets depressed again.
I bought her things like any boyfriend would, but I didn't expect anything om return other than her love, and I thought I had it. Who knew?
Unbroken
