General I Ended It With Her

[unbroken]

thanks, yes, I've emailed her and said if she needs a friend I will be there for her without expectations. She's fairly new in town so she only knows her neighbors, and none of them know about her PTSD or bipolar (though they have seen her bouts of anger).

I don't think she will ever talk to me again, that's fine. I've talked to a few friends to get my thoughts out, I'm over it for the most part by now. I don't hate her and have learned a lot about PTSD and how to deal with her when she's stressing. Most guys she dates are gone in two, so who knows what's next for her.

 

[unbroken]

This past Sunday when I broke things off with her and confronted her about what she was doing, I extended my anger towards her friend of 25 years, who was with her that day. I wasn't out of control, but it wasn't pretty.

After I got home, I sent him an email and told him how I felt about what had transpired. I started with a nice message telling him that I reacted poorly through my devastation of finding out what was going on, and I apologized for my actions. I told him I felt he was an intelligent man and I would appeal to him as someone who genuinely cared for her.

I said I didn't feel that he was being her friend, and that he and the other guy were in fact keeping her depressed by continually making her feel the way she does. I knew that she was making the choices herself, but they're not completely innocent either, and I felt that they are taking advantage of her vulnerable state. I outlined that he shold be more than well aware of her condition and that I have done more to learn about PTSD than anyone else in her life, a very sad statement considering I'd only known her a couple months.

Well, he wrote back to me today, and I finally feel like I have some closure on this:

"I got your e-mail and I do agree with some of what you said. Your apology is accepted and mine is extended to you. Please accept it​

As a result, and I agree, I decided it best that I no longer visit there and I won't. I'll share that shortly but I think that will be best for all."​

I'm so happy that he has taken my message seriously, and although I may never hear from her again, I did tell him that my only concern was for her to get help and to get better. This made me feel very good about writing the email to him, and I felt a wave of relief come over me as I read it, because I was worried about what would happen.

For those who are wondering: no, I do not see this as a way for her and I to get back together, and I told him specifically that I do not expect him to speak to her on my behalf. At this stage, she isn't talking to me, and I can accept that, just as long as these guys stop making her feel like an object and make her feel like a human being that they care about.

 

[2quilt]

I am sorry to hear that you had to break up with a woman you love or loved, but it's really better for you to get as far away from her and her friends-with-benefits as possible. You could have caught a social disease. She sounds like a compulsive liar. PTSD can make us do and say all kinds of things, but we are, above all else, responsible for our actions. The way she treated you, in my opinion, was not love.

 

[Cowgirl]

I'm sorry that you had to learn this most difficult lesson. PTSD is difficult enough. You add bi-polar to the mix, and ... I don't know if a real relationship is even possible at all. Much of what you have written about this woman reminds me of a bi-polar man I once dated. I don't know enough about bi-polar to say those are common traits, but I saw that sort of sexual behavior in him also. I beat a hasty retreat within about 3 months of first meeting him.

I hope that you sit back and take a hard look at this relationship. I hope you take some time to heal. You need to do the work to learn the lessons that were, perhaps, the reason this relationship came into your life.

Because ... if a person doesn't learn from a relationship, they will relive it again in another relationship until they learn.

Whatever you do, don't let her suck you back in. What's that saying: Run far, run fast, leave no forwarding address.

Good luck to you!

 

[Nicolette]

Because ... if a person doesn't learn from a relationship, they will relive it again in another relationship until they learn.

Whatever you do, don't let her suck you back in. What's that saying: Run far, run fast, leave no forwarding address.

I concur with Cowgirl!

 

[unbroken]

The only thing I'm wondering about is how can a person learn from a relationship when their partner always runs far and fast when things are bad, or they use the person, and then they run far and fast??

If the behaviour is repeated and they are called on it each time, sure. But at some point the sufferer needs to experience a normal relationship with someone who isn't "out":

1. for one thing
2. for themselves
3. the door

I agree, and I'm not advocating that anyone remain in a bad relationship, but if everyone runs at the sign of trouble it can negatively impact the sufferer and the behaviour gets worse because they stop caring. She is seeking therapy, counseling and a psychiatrist, so it's not like she's not making an effort. Bad habits are formed by repitition....she's been friends with this guy since she was 20...guess what he conditioned her into thinking after 25 years? Makes me wonder, especially since he's out the door so quick once he's called on it!

 

[Nicolette]

Unbroken, why is it that you are so concerned about the impact of this on your ex; it appears your concern for your own well-being is of a lesser priority as you only talk about her?

Perhaps you need to go and get some help as it strikes me odd how you are focusing on your ex despite the relationship being over instead of on yourself.

 

[unbroken]

what makes you think I haven't invested anything in myself? just because I don't share what I've shared with my own counselor?

But I'm done asking, I'll just put her out with the trash wednesday since you say she's no good anymore.

thanks.

 

[Nicolette]

No one is saying she is no good. I think she is quite ill though.

The questions you raised in your 1.51pm post are pertinent to anyone in any relationships. I have been abused in my last 3 relationships in various ways and I just wanted a 'normal' relationship instead of the crap I felt was coming my way. My friends tried to help me and steer me in the right direction but it didn't change until I changed....when I believed I deserved better. Therein lies my answer to your questions. Your girlfriend needs to believe she deserves better and by doing that she stops these other men in her life. At a guess you and her would still be together if it were not for her relationship with them. However, she must change for her life experiences to change and while it is very gallant of you to help her, there is nothing you can do until she wants change.

As for the repetition point....in some ways I agree but I also disagree as I am now in a loving rewarding relationship with someone who has PTSD. Anthony knows in no uncertain terms that his PTSD is not an excuse to treat me to bad in any way, shape or form .......I will not accept any less than what I now believe I deserve.

 

[becvan]

The only thing I'm wondering about is how can a person learn from a relationship when their partner always runs far and fast when things are bad, or they use the person, and then they run far and fast??

If the behaviour is repeated and they are called on it each time, sure. But at some point the sufferer needs to experience a normal relationship with someone who isn't "out":

1. for one thing
2. for themselves
3. the door

Unbroken, Those three things are something she needs to do for herself. Sticking around to be her doormat will not teach her this. She has to learn to love herself and be there for herself. It's something that takes time, therapy and hard freaking work. You can not 'save' her by showing her these things because she will never believe it unless she shows herself these things. You can't fix her sense of self-worth or self-esteem. It is something that comes from inside of us and can only be fixed by us.

I realize this is really tearing you apart and this is hard for you to accept. I have been in your ex's shoes and I know.. this has to be done by her for her and no one else. I do hope you can come to terms of peace with yourself on this. I do hope you realize this is all out of your hands and solely in hers.

bec

 

[ladybug08]

unbroken, I am so sorry about what happen. Please, please, please do not communicate with her or her "friends" anymore. She's been doing this for quite some time, and I doubt that she will ever stop. This is what she knows. She is a very sick person. Toxic, and a user. Yes she has PTSD and is Bipolar. It is obvious that she uses PTSD and being Bipolar to make you feel sorry for her. Once again...she is a user...she can only help herself. By still communicating with her, she knows that you still care, and she can still lure you in. Do not let her suck you back into all that DRAMA.