General I Feel Absolutely Nauseated Just Typing These Words.....

[StoppingTheCycle]

I can't deal with telling my husband any sort of bad news. I got some bad news today about an account and have been sick at my stomach ever since. I don't know how to tell him or if I should just try to deal with it myself, so as to not add to his distress and avoid the inevitable conflict.

This happens each and every time I recieve any type or bad news. Does this happen to anyone else? I will sometimes wait days for the "right moment or mood" to tell him something. I never know how severe the reaction will be, or even when it will come. Since he has started counselling, it's like he has a delayed reaction to any negative news. I will finaly work up the nerve to tell him, and he will just shrug his shoulders and say stuff like "okay, we'll figure it out and get it taken care of". Of course this will render me speechless, as I have been preparing myself for the berrating that usually follows. The first few times it happened I thought, wow maybe the meds and counselling is really starting to work. But then days or weeks later, something else will set him off and bam up comes the most recent revelation, aaaaaaand then the berating begins. So now I have found myself feeling like I am holding my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak when he has this reaction to anything.

 

[Rumors]

Yep, I understand. I generally write things in an email to avoid conflict and encourage him to respond the same way. It takes the drama out of the situation.

Good luck! I hope you are able to come to a resolution without drama!

 

[Lunachan]

I have the same problem too. I can't tell him bad news, but when I don't tell him, he finds out eventually, and then I get berated for "keeping things" from him. It is a no-win situation. So far, the best I have done is just tell him right away and put up with the yelling until it stops. It is amazing though how things that have nothing to do with me become my fault. It kind of blows my mind, the creativity involved. As for writing e-mails, I have not had good results with that in the past, as I have found that when he is in a rage, it carries over onto e-mail, and he reads things there that were not written and not meant. It usually makes things much worse for me. But I can see how it could work for some.

I have had the same experience you describe as well, waiting for the other shoe to drop. One time, I made the mistake of saying "thanks for not being upset." That was the wrong choice. He started with, "well, actually I am upset." and then hours later.... well, you know the drill.

Anyway, no advice here I guess, sorry to say, but I know what you're going through, and you're not alone.

 

[Nicolette]

Ladies, it comes back to boundaries. It sounds simple, but difficult to implement, however for things to change you need to work on your response to the 'rage'.

First off, I will agree that sometimes you have to pick your battles (meaning you don't pass on things if they are very un well) and only tell them what they absolutely have to know. This stage is when their PTSD is not that well managed and you need outside support even if its just talking about what is worrying you.

That being said, when you talk to them, try to be direct and clear. Their brain can be overloaded so short & sweet is best. How you respond to their reaction is how you establish boundaries (and it will take some work, consistency & patience).

When someone with PTSD responds nastily towards you or in an unwarranted overly emotional way let them know & don't entertain it - create and establish a boundary - "there is no need to speak to me like this, let me know when you are ready to talk to me nicely" and leave the room, walk away etc.... Diffuse the situation by removing yourself. "I don't like who you are being right now" is another one.

There are many threads about this....please read away.

 

[StoppingTheCycle]

Well I have tried the email approach, and it didn't work out so well. The meaning was misinterpreted and tone that wasn't intended was perceived. I still try this every once in a while though for issues that I know will make me emotional to talk about because I know that when I get emotional it only makes him angry. And I have also learned the hard way that short and sweet is the best way to go, there is no sugar coating anything, and it only ends in making him more upset anyway.

I have tried telling him that I won't talk about something anymore until he has had time to calm down and speak rationally, but I haven't done the walk away or remove myself tactic. I will most definitely try this next time.

 

[Cult]

When I tell my partner bad news, she becomes catatonic, shuts down and gets angry with me. She can offer me no support. It becomes "all about her." I am left to deal with it by myself.