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Sufferer I Feel As Is I'm Made Of Glass.

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I feel everyday.....vulnerable and alone. Like a huge weight is on me. I cannot rise and function normally. I feel like I'm a prisoner.

I was completely family oriented. I had the most wonderful family. But between 1990 and mid 2006.....22 family members died. It was grandma, aunts, uncles, father and so on. So I went from a big happy family.....to near zero. I cannot stress enough how family oriented I was.
 
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I have a very different view as to whether or not PTSD is 'curable' or not.

While technically, it is absolutely correct to say 'there is no cure for PTSD', I do NOT believe this means one has to live their entire life with it.

In exactly the same way 'there is no cure for cancer' - BUT there are plenty of people who have cancer, and even those who have been told it's incurable or they are 'terminal', DO make a full recovery and no longer HAVE cancer.


In my own life, I had PTSD and it's symptoms probably from early childhood. But after years if treatment (ironically not specifically for PTSD as I was misdiagnosed at the time) all the PTSD symptoms went into full remission. For over a decade, I had not one flashback, I did not dissociate. I had come to a place if full acceptance, understanding and even compassion towards my abuse and abusers. In that decade plus, I had one bout of depression that ended treatment over a few months. But other than that, I had no mental health issues and no symptoms of PTSD.

I went from being highly dysfunctional - multiple hospital admissions, living in supported psych accommodation, patterns of repeated self harm (cutting, burning, overdosing), alcoholic binges, suicide attempts, eating disorders, and criminal activity that nearly saw me in prison (suspended jail sentence. I had - at one time!- multiple health professionals working with me - psychotherapist, psychiatrist, social worker, occupational therapist, psych nurse, forensic psychiatrist, probation officer. Being a psychiatric patient was my full time job.

Yet I managed to turn my life around - going to rehab and stopping drinking, as well as many many years of therapy, I got a life I could never have dreamed about while in the depths of PTSD. Suddenly I had 2 university degrees, became a he lath professional with a highly responsible job, and now I have as CLIENTS, families containing nurses, probation officers, psychologists, police officers (the irony is not lost on me :D).

So why do I have PTSD again now? Because the reality is, if you have been severely traumatised in the past you are much higher risk than the average person to being traumatised again to the point of PTSD Diagnosis.

In my case, a series of devastating major earthquakes hitting my city. Interestingly, it wasn't the first huge quake that triggered a trauma response in me (jolted awake 4:30am, size 7.1 - a very very shallow quake, less than 15kms under the earth; hundreds of aftershocks - 200 in just the first 24 hours alone). While I was pretty damn scared (my house walls were moving 2-3 feet in every direction, is how bad it was), and was worried I could be hurt, and I did not feel safe, on edge WAITING for the next huge quake (sometimes the first big one is not the biggest one - it could have been a foreshock! :eek:); I did not fear for my life.

The next severe quake 5 months later however, I really thought I was going to die. A smaller but more powerful quake (6.3) that killed almost 200 people traumatised me into developing PTSD. The PTSD triggered by the quakes took 2 years to recover from - mainly because it took 2 years for the ground to stop shaking weekly with aftershocks (still get them every 4-8 weeks nearly 4 years in). And I know I probably have more healing to do in terms of that - I do avoid a lot of anything related to the quakes. Hard to ignore it though when all around me, the widespread devastation to my city is a daily reminder. But the quake trauma also re-triggered childhood related PTSD, and that is what I am struggling with today.

So - while there is no defined 'cure' for PTSD I would encourage anybody with it to never give up hope that you can live a life FREE of it completely.

It does not need to be a life sentence.:)
 
I have been given the "poor prognosis" label, not once but twice. I don't ever hope for a cure, but I know I can get back to living a full life again. It really is about finding a new normal. I won't ever be the person I would have been without having been traumatized, but I can find my own sense of normalcy and get to a higher point of functioning. I don't see it as settling, rather accepting what I can and cannot have in life. (There is nothing wrong with that, and I actually think it is healthier than stewing on that which I will never have!)

And as for that poor prognosis label? I see it as a challenge more than anything else. I was given an official "recovery not expected" label by my own government, again, not once, but twice, and I'm also in a "complete disability" category. Fun stuff, eh? But I don't let that stop me. I am pushing forward in my healing and I am getting better. I have NO idea what the future holds, but I am optimistic. I want to work again one day, and I want to have more, and more fulfilling relationships. I am well on my way. But am I hanging on to the hope of a cure? Nope. Why? I don't need to be "cured" in order to be happy, or fully functioning. "Cure" not necessary.
 
@Solara and @marylouise - I was told that too. I was not ever expected to be able to function or have a normal life. I was considered 'too chronic' :whistling:. Ever sine i was 18 years old I had a dream - a passion - to work in obstetrics. Ya know, a kinda responsible job where you're responsible for the life and well-being of both a pregnant mother and a baby :whistling:. When you're running around playing with razorblades, setting fires, and being repeatedly admitted to psych units as well as needing to live in 24/7 staff supported accommodation and can't even function enough to do anything other than sit around the house day after day after day watching TV (in between self harming, getting drunk, overdosing etc), it probably was a bit far fetched for my treatment providers (and there were MANY) to really truly believe for half a second that THAT dream of mine could ever EVER be possible? Who the HELL would let me be in that field? How the hell would I even get into the course, or complete it, let alone DO the job??!!!!! :whistling:. (lol - I did need to apply twice - the first time I got shortlisted - up to no 2 on the waiting list - thank goodness I did not get in then, as I needed to learn a lot more coping skills first - I applied the first time while living in the psych hostel, which looking back, was pretty hilarious. I mist have written a damn good applicant essay haha).

Hmmm - professional psych patient, with multiple hospital admissions, scars from cuts and burns all over her body (thankfully only a very few are visible when I wear short sleeves), with criminal convictions for arson, becoming to provide maternity care??? How likely would that be, really??? :wtf:

Well ya know what - I PROVED THEM ALL WRONG - Heck, I not only surprised them (astonished more like it), it was myself I stunned the most haha. :D:D:D

Slowly, but surely, I did it. Started small - I am not saying I woke up one day and all my problems disappeared. I wish. It was hard hard hard work, and having the right things at the right time, and somehow I got there. The first half of my academic script is full of 'pulled out due to medical' 'pulled out due to medical' on it. One paper at a time, and being part time for one and a half years at Uni, I completed my first degree. I applied for my foundation course for obstetrics, and I did get in. The faculty knew my history - I did not elaborate on the extensive self harm etc, but gave a basic run down of my life story, and how my experiences I believed helped me to be able to be good at the job I wanted to do. They let me in, saying there was no way to guarantee i could ever work int eh field - it would be up to the professional body to determine if I was to ever be REGISTERED or not. I could have done the entire degree only to be stopped at the key bit - getting a practising license. Meh, wasn't going to let that hold me back. I'd been told 'no way, you can't you will never make it blah blah blah you're too sick, you're too unstable blah blah blah'. So I did it and the professional body welcomed me with open arms actually. Mental health history and criminal convictions and all.

(By the way I am not saying anyone has to take the path I have or has to go to Uni or have a professional job in order to be 'successful' - I am NOT trying to imply that at all :hug:)

And I'm not saying I'm special or unique either (I am definitely NOT). I'm only sharing my story (again) because I really do NOT believe anyone can be written off as 'incurable' or 'too chronic'. Nothing is impossible but if we internalize being told we will never get better, then that will definitely reduce out chances.

And dare someone tell someone else they are incurable or label them with 'poor prognosis'?
Sure it might be their professional OPINION, but it does NOT make it a FACT.

Anything is possible and even if a dr gave you or anyone else a poor prognosis label, it does NOT mean they are right. It's certainly not going to help to not have people believe in you.
 
I relate to lots of your story, NovemberStar...in and out of rehab, psych wards, detox, ER, ICU, ED treatment, cutting, burning....followed by recovery from most of that and some really awesome years....I stuggle more when supports change, like good friends move, and lately physical pain has sort of unearthed whatever my drinking and starving did not solve....in my good years of "remission" I remained sort of hyper, over working, and disconnected from really meaningful relationships, but I found lots of joy and meaning and often "good enough" connections in my work. This new hurdle and working deeper with old traumas feels like my chance to learn how to slow down and connect better. Life is hard for everyone, so I want to think of it as a process where I really shine in some areas and totally suck in others, but have decided to never again give up on myself and just be myself....eaaier to accept where I struggle when I care mostly to just care for my life as a process...like I have my own inner mother of sorts who lovingly accepts all my sh*t.
 
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I feel everyday.....vulnerable and alone. Like a huge weight is on me.
I cannot rise and function normally. I feel like I'm a prisoner.
I was completely family oriented. I had the most wonderful family.
But between 1990 and mid 2006.....22 family members died. It was grandma,
aunts, uncles, father and so on. So I went from a big happy family.....to near zero.
I cannot stress enough how family oriented I was.
That's a huge blow to take in a short time, I can really feel your isolation. I hope you can find a way to redefine your place in the world without feeling so alone. One day at a time.
 
I have a very different view as to whether or not PTSD is 'curable' or not.

While technically, it is absolutely correct to say 'there is no cure for PTSD', I do NOT believe this means one has to live their entire life with it.

In exactly the same way 'there is no cure for cancer' - BUT there are plenty of people who have cancer, and even those who have been told it's incurable or they are 'terminal', DO make a full recovery and no longer HAVE cancer.


In my own life, I had PTSD and it's symptoms probably from early childhood. But after years if treatment (ironically not specifically for PTSD as I was misdiagnosed at the time) all the PTSD symptoms went into full remission. For over a decade, I had not one flashback, I did not dissociate. I had come to a place if full acceptance, understanding and even compassion towards my abuse and abusers. In that decade plus, I had one bout of depression that ended treatment over a few months. But other than that, I had no mental health issues and no symptoms of PTSD.

I went from being highly dysfunctional - multiple hospital admissions, living in supported psych accommodation, patterns of repeated self harm (cutting, burning, overdosing), alcoholic binges, suicide attempts, eating disorders, and criminal activity that nearly saw me in prison (suspended jail sentence. I had - at one time!- multiple health professionals working with me - psychotherapist, psychiatrist, social worker, occupational therapist, psych nurse, forensic psychiatrist, probation officer. Being a psychiatric patient was my full time job.

Yet I managed to turn my life around - going to rehab and stopping drinking, as well as many many years of therapy, I got a life I could never have dreamed about while in the depths of PTSD. Suddenly I had 2 university degrees, became a he lath professional with a highly responsible job, and now I have as CLIENTS, families containing nurses, probation officers, psychologists, police officers (the irony is not lost on me :D).

So why do I have PTSD again now? Because the reality is, if you have been severely traumatised in the past you are much higher risk than the average person to being traumatised again to the point of PTSD Diagnosis.

In my case, a series of devastating major earthquakes hitting my city. Interestingly, it wasn't the first huge quake that triggered a trauma response in me (jolted awake 4:30am, size 7.1 - a very very shallow quake, less than 15kms under the earth; hundreds of aftershocks - 200 in just the first 24 hours alone). While I was pretty damn scared (my house walls were moving 2-3 feet in every direction, is how bad it was), and was worried I could be hurt, and I did not feel safe, on edge WAITING for the next huge quake (sometimes the first big one is not the biggest one - it could have been a foreshock! :eek:); I did not fear for my life.

The next severe quake 5 months later however, I really thought I was going to die. A smaller but more powerful quake (6.3) that killed almost 200 people traumatised me into developing PTSD. The PTSD triggered by the quakes took 2 years to recover from - mainly because it took 2 years for the ground to stop shaking weekly with aftershocks (still get them every 4-8 weeks nearly 4 years in). And I know I probably have more healing to do in terms of that - I do avoid a lot of anything related to the quakes. Hard to ignore it though when all around me, the widespread devastation to my city is a daily reminder. But the quake trauma also re-triggered childhood related PTSD, and that is what I am struggling with today.

So - while there is no defined 'cure' for PTSD I would encourage anybody with it to never give up hope that you can live a life FREE of it completely.

It does not need to be a life sentence.:)

Thank you so much for sharing that part of your story NovemberStar, I am really intellectual too and that's a real source of fear of loss for me as I've got a great V8 motor inside my head capable of so much too. Hearing what you have just related also validates my own experiences. I did half a Bachelors Degree whilst in the throes of a great deal of trauma but couldn't keep up with it all in the end and raising four children on my own at the same time, so I deferred. I also did lots of therapy, moved on, forgave even thanked my abusers for giving me the wounds that made me who I was, which was someone strong, compassionate, wiser and together. Twelve years later, I'm breaking down again and in a worse headspace than I've ever been. I keep thinking how on earth did this happen? I've been through WAY worse times a thousand in my life, why now? It's a mystery to me that keeps unfolding.

I'm starting to understand that like you I have this sensitivity to life now. I don't like the feeling of the unpredictability of it either. It used to be the other way around. I have an extremely high tolerance for it, which was what enabled me to survive it all most likely. That's what has kind of shocked me. So I'm realizing that I have this 'injury' from too much prolonged stress and trauma, that has finally caused a glitch in the matrix.

I keep thinking what kind of evolutionary adaptation gave me this glitch in the first place. We were meant to experience a trauma, put it in it's box and go back to the cave and tell bedtime stories to the children. Risk our lives to fight the Woolly Mammoth, skin it. carve it up and carry it home where everyone was waiting for a party. So this was necessary in evolution. We weren't meant to experience the things that the modern world throws at us and definitely not for a long duration either. I wonder if there were Cavemen and women with this disorder. Perhaps there were.

I don't want to define myself as a patient either, it feels like if I throw myself into therapy with 'gay abandon' so to speak, that it might come to define who I am. Become so self/inward focused that I forget how to live and occupy myself with the outer world, the one that gives you a day at a time, one you will never get back. The world where there are people way worse off than me who can't afford to even think about their dysfunctional families or trauma because they are too busy finding a feed every day and looking after their brothers and sisters. I want to keep this in perspective and not let it engulf me.

I'm absolutely determined to beat, learn to live with, understand, have control over.. what ever it is called, this thing that has happened to my nervous system. Yes I do believe it is not a sentence, thanks again for reminding me of that. I really appreciate what you have shared, it has had a big impact on me when I most needed to hear it. Thanks.
 
Fill a heart? I think the same would work for me as I suggested in another thread. "People that understand". Each has a story to tell. And sometimes re-tell. You cannot imagine the glossed over eyes I have seen as people tune you out. It would be really great if people we like being with would just come over and visit once in a while.
 
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i
Fill a heart? I think the same would work for me as I suggested in another thread.
"People that understand". Each has a story to tell. And sometimes re-tell.
You cannot imagine the glossed over eyes I have seen as people tune you out.
It would be really great if people we like being with would just come over and visit
once in a while.
I would like to hear your story if you want to tell me some of it. My eyes and ears never gloss over. You are important, the world needs you and so do all the people who will go through what you have in the future and who will benefit from your story.
 
Thankyou Solara, that also put things into a better perspective for me, you have a great handle on acceptance, which is my immediate challenge. The new normal, I like that. Cure, not necessary too. Thankyou again. :-)[DOUBLEPOST=1405062689,1405062425][/DOUBLEPOST]
I only have my own story to share, but I was also told by mental health professionals that I was incurable. I have so much gratitude for where I am today. I told my story in the thread below. I honestly believe that you can heal, and that you will! You life will hold unimaginable surprises. It works, if you work it (as they say in Twelve Step programs).

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/can-i-heal-from-c-ptsd-yes.45682/
Thankyou Marylouise, I just read the link to your story and it was uplifting. I so need to hear things like that at the moment. Very grateful for finding this support group.
 
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