I Feel Broken And Like No One Will Ever Want Me

[Jline]

I wanted to have someone in my life who could just take all the pain away, keep me safe, love me forever and I would love him, help him, make him happy. I was not well enough to be in a relationship with anyone, I first needed to find, nurture and be in a relationship with myself (a good, healthy relationship with myself.) I would become obsessed with the thought of having a good man and then depressed because I knew deep inside that it was an impossible dream. Who in their right mind would want a nut like me. My own thoughts would tumble me into panic and depression and I didn't, couldn't function. I did this to myself, my poor PTSD brain trapped in a way of thinking that actually is not reality based at all...we so often do not think straight and obsess over things that spiral us into a trap. I did this for years.

This forum has literally saved me from myself. So many of us feel or have felt the way you do. There is hope and love for you hon. Try and be patient and not hard on yourself. Red flag yourself when you start to feel like that. Put up notes even...little reminders that you are deserving of love because you are! j

 

[Marley]

If you're a church kind of person, simply joining a Bible study group can help with gaining a couple friends. I actually have a group of friends that I obtained just from going to a Bible study for a couple months, and we've tried our best to stay in touch by hanging out at least once a month. It's good because it helps me to get out more and be more involved, also helps me feel wanted in a way!

 

[Iam]

HI Audrey,

I understand how you feel even though I got married at a young age. I had decided I would never get married because of what I saw my parents do to eachother. There was no way I would trust anyone with my heart like that. I started working on myself, wanted to become something better. Then I met my husband to be. He was totally different than any guy I had met. Over a 6 month period I told him about myself, then realized that I loved him. With that realization came the need to tell him what I thought was the worst about myself so he could choose to bale if he wanted. He didn't bale. In fact he had huge compassion on me. I was very clingy at first and he loved it. In fact as I became more independent it was hard on him, we had to readjust our relationship. We have been married 32 years now. My PTSD has caused many problems for us, including a total breakdown, but he has always been there for me. Though I have always given 120% to our marriage, I have done some pretty shitty things to him because of my problems, i.e. lack of trust, expectations that were unrealistic, betrayal.

I have beoame overly independent and distanced myself from him over the last year or so. I became numb and withdrew from him. This has caused me to seek professional help. Even now as I am facing myself & truly working thru therapy he is my main support. He loves me despite my problems. We all have problems, some more pronounced than others. He sees the good in me, always has, even when I can't see it myself.

All this to say, there is a man out there for you. God already is preparing him. First you need to discover who you are both in and apart from your PTSD. You are special, you are valuable and you have much to give. God made you that way ;o)

 

[Pogonip]

Audrey,

I am in a similar place regarding relationships, not trusting, avoidance (like none of us do that!), and difficulties letting people in. I too have felt broken or damaged. This may be an oversimplification, but, when I told my therapist I was just coming to understand how damaged I am she said, "Think of this differently. You are not damaged but changed. Trauma changed you. However, if you changed once you can change again and that is what treatment is to help you with." This really set me back on my heels! If I changed the way I thought of myself, I could then feel different about my PTSD and keep moving forward through recovery. She went on in our PTSD class to present the thoughts-emotions-behaviors triangle and it continued to help me understand.

So, if you will allow me, You are not broken, you are changed from what you were before the trauma, and you can change again! Good luck as you go through your changing life. I'm working on my changing life and hope that we both find companionship, love, intimacy, and belonging. I just read a news story about two people who never met but knew of each other for decades and are now together. What odds! So our odds must be pretty good.

Pogonip

 

[Cynthiatoo]

Audrey
This is my third marriage. The first was at 17 (pregnant) the second lasted fifteen years only because he was away so much and I met my husband eighteen years ago when I found him to teach my son how to draw. I was on benefits and he was a starving artist. I was 38, he was 25. All of the other males I had known were alpha males and I could not get enough of talking to this interesting person who was nothing like anyone I had every known and not my type, never mind the years of age difference.

My son and him became best of friends with art in common and we became a family. We had nine wonderful years all together. My son had cystic fibrosis. He died at the age of 20 and that is the core of my PTSD. The years of fear and his death and other stuff.

Dont be sad for us, I only tell you this so that you know that love can come in the strangest form from the strangest connection. It took us both four years to accept that this was right and was a good love. He is more mature than me in some areas and visa versa. He has grown and so have I. I remember sitting in the car with him before he could decide we should be together and crying that "all I need to know is that a good love exists in the world that it is possible" . Well it is. Remember this when you have someone who gives you a hug or a kind word and you think "oh, he is lovely but he is not my type" or that usual 'heat' is not there. The one who is like a good friend is the one who is capable of loving properly.

I promise you this, you will be loved properly. I am 56 years old now (still cute) and I know that people who feel so deeply and know the truth of life learn how to recognise what is right for them. It just takes practise denying what the trashy mags and movies and girlfriends insist is the right way to go.

 

[Cynthiatoo]

On days when my symptoms are bad. I walk up to my husband and say " I feel old, fat and ugly and I really do feel like that then. But I recognise now that is a symptom of my PTSD, its not low self esteem because the very next day I can feel just fine. Its connected.

 

[ProductOfSociety]

Know that you are not alone. I feel broken all of the time. Like there is a part of me that can never be fixed. It really is tormenting.
As for feeling as if no will ever want you, I felt that way too. I am married now but I am not the kind of person who gets close to people. In fact I try not to because I know that if I don't get close, I can't get hurt. Even now, with my husband, I feel like a burden. I tell him about my past and I feel like he has to deal with knowing what I have been through. I am scared one day he won't be able to handle it and that he will stop loving me. I feel like this is what happened in my last relationship.
But.. I am very happy with my relationship and he is very supportive. He doesn't want me to bottle things up and to have someone who WANTS you to share yourself is very rewarding. Don't be afraid to get outside of your comfort zone. Before you know it you will find someone who is right for you. I am sure someone wants you now, but like me, or the way I use to be, you shut them out because of fear. Actually I am still that way, but I let someone in my life and I don't regret it one bit. Once you do let someone in, you may get heart broken, once, or twice, but there IS someone out there who wants you. You just have to be comfortable with the idea of trusting another person. I know all about trust issues but no relationship will work out if you don't trust the other person involved. Just keep working on everything, I think you will be fine. I am shy too, I met my current husband and my past 2 boyfriends online, they lived near me and we had mutual friends.
In any case, don't be so afraid to LET someone love you. It's scary but, I would definitely say that it is worth it. Best of luck. <3