Childhood I Feel Like An Outsider Who Never Experienced Childhood.

[MrJohan]

A little background, I'm 17 years old, and recently was diagnosed (?, my doctor said it sounds like ptsd). At the age of seven I was attacked and tortured by somebody close to my age. I had constant terror, anxiety, and fear that made doing well in school, sleeping regularly, eating regularly, incredibly difficult. I had a serious suicide attempt about 5 months ago and have gotten treatment since. With talk therapy (not a ptsd specific professional, but it's helpful), and medication (paroxetine), Ive no longer had nightmares, constant fear of being attacked, or serious depression. I've got a strong will to live, and I've learned to love myself.
But things seem to have reached a new phase. Flashbacks are now common and easily triggered by things I once loved (I'm incredibly passionate about film, and Tarantino movies just have a special place in my heart), violence in movies and video games are no longer a pleasant distraction as they once were. And now, I don't have a single positive memory of my childhood, everything just feels like one big unlucky mistake. Since every emotion I knew has the nuance of a specific kind of fear, I have to re-learn how to process my emotions. My childhood just feels like a nightmare.
I'm about to be an 'adult', but I just feel so much like I'm never going to be able to catch up. I feel like I'm just outside of everyone else. I have an active social life, I'm outgoing, as a coping mechanism I developed a really sharp sense of humor, which I've used to become a stand up comic (and im good, it's like my only true talent).
I just don't know what to do. A lot of my relationships with people are okay at best, and I just feel like I'll never truly catch up and understand how to feel like everyone around me.
I feel hopeless and that there's nothing I can do but turn to drugs (I quit smoking, but nicotine just gives me the closest thing to a normal feeling).
Can anyone give some insight? I just feel like no amount of therapy and meds will replace my childhood.
Thanks so much for reading.
Johan.

 

[sun seeker]

Sorry my brain is foggy at the moment and I can't do justice to your question, but I wanted to welcome you to the board and let you know I read your post and hear your anguish. Anyone who had experienced what you did would be feeling this way. It is true that nothing will replace your childhood. You can get to a much happier place than you are now, though. It's a hard journey, but worth it. Hopefully others will have more eloquent things to say.

 

[Suzetig]

Welcome to the forum, it sounds like you're having a horrible time of it. You're right in that nothing can replace your childhood and I'm hearing that right now the trauma us so close to the surface for you that you can't see anything else. Therapy can't give you a childhood you didn't have but it can help you make sense of your trauma and put it in its place in your memory. That will leave space for you to remember the parts of growing up that were good for you.

It's natural to need to grieve what you didn't have but having adverse experiences in childhood doesn't mean you're broken beyond repair, even though it may feel that way. Hang in there and if possible find a therapist who knows what they're doing with childhood trauma.

 

[Go Hungry]

I'm about to be an 'adult', but I just feel so much like I'm never going to be able to catch up.

Well for one thing, this is absolutely normal for someone of your age, regardless of their past. So don't worry too much about that one. Growing up is hard to do, you will stumble a lot, make plenty of mistakes, and then start to figure things out; just like everyone on the planet ever. ;)

And I feel you about the lost childhood. I had somewhat similar circumstances. Horrid violence from another child, (which for some idiotic reason people seem to discount) followed by a life coloured by that abuse. I can tell you that it will get better, with time and distance. Although it will be much, much harder if you start in on drugs or alcohol. Addictions root into your traumas and use them as excuses to keep you using. Trust me on this one. :poop:

But welcome to the forums. You'll find a lot of friendly people here. :)

 

[Friday]

I just don't know what to do. A lot of my relationships with people are okay at best, and I just feel like I'll never truly catch up and understand how to feel like everyone around me.

You're never going to feel like everyone around you... Because people aren't clones. Take 1,000 people, and yes, there will be groupings of people who are similar in certain ways, but even in groups of similar people? There's gonna be a lot of variation.

For true, you can spend your life trying to be like other people, and pretty much fail unless you live in a highly isolated Stepford-like Bubble... Or you can spend it learning to be, do, think, & feel the way that you want to live & see life. Easy to say, harder to do!

Here's something to bake your noodle if you're thinking I'm just not getting it... In your school? Following national stats* ...Approximately 28% of the kids there have been physically abused & 20% sexually abused. Bet it doesn't feel like it, huh? Like you're the only one, or maybe one of two or three, and everyone else is normal. Nope. 28%. That's more than a quarter of your graduating class. A lot of the kids you think are normal? Have their own demons. Just like I'm sure a lot of them hold you up as the ideal of what "normal" looks like. And that's not even bringing into focus all the other disorders, challenges, & struggles that people face. As you walk out into the rest of your life? The people you think are "normal". <grin> Watch them. Not because they're "normal" (odds are, they aren't), but because there's something about them that you desire to incorporate into your own life.

* Dead Link Removed

 

[katz]

A little background, I'm 17 years old, and recently was diagnosed (?, my doctor said it sounds like ptsd...

First, welcome to the forum.

Have you started a journal? It can become a place to put your feelings, instead of letting them go round and round in your head. You could also look for a support group near you. There are lots of them for people your age.

I think that you will find out that FridayJones is correct, and that there are lots of people around you that can understand what you're feeling. Do you have a job? I know that lots of animal shelters need volenteers to help. I know that when I walked my dog, it made me feel better and I think you may find that a dog or animal can understand what your feeling. They will also give you unconditional love.

((( ))) Hugs to you - if you accept them.

 

[MrJohan]

Thanks for the kind responses. I've got a job right now, 8-5, but I do have a dog who had an abusive owner beforehand and she's my best friend. It feels kinda weird, but I just feel like my dog and I understand each other. It makes coming home at the end of the day a lot better.

 

[Approvalseek]

A lot of my relationships with people are okay at best, and I just feel like I'll never truly catch up and understand how to feel like everyone around me.

Best part about being alive is that you are unlike any other, my man!
You've got nobody to catch up to and you've got nobody to answer to for the way you feel.
I've had some pretty brutal friendships in the past, some that have been moderately strengthened with time, and some that are okay at best, too. I hope this somehow normalizes your feelings.
I'm not going to make any assertions like I know you from reading a short narrative of your life, but you're making an unfair comparison, man. What's worse is that this line of thinking only impacts you negatively. I can foresee no positive outcomes to getting down on yourself for being behind the 8-ball. You don't deserve to put yourself through that type of life of regret. You deserve to let those emotions slide away and truly enjoy the moments coming to you in the future, of which they'll be many, if you let them come.
I don't know what the secret to living a life free of PTSD is, but I do know that when I started loving myself and accepting myself for who I am, my shoulders dropped, my neck untwisted, and my arms uncrossed. ...When I say loving and accepting myself, I mean treating myself like I'd treat a little kid who's trying to ride a bike, with compassion and patience. Hope the last 6 months have treated you well! :)

here's a Dr Seuss that you might like; "Today you are you, that is truer than true, there is no one alive who is you'er than you!"