I've read through a ton of threads on here, especially those of other supporters. I have to say, after everything I've read about how incredibly supportive and patient people are in their relationships with sufferers, I feel like a jerk. I'm pretty sure I'm not a PTSD suffer, but I'm very sensitive and easily traumatized, mostly in romantic relationships. I've got my own messed-up childhood and issues that make it difficult for me to have successful relationships and here I am trying to make it work with a PTSD sufferer. After reading about what an uphill battle it is, I can't believe we're even trying because I am by no means the patient saint that it seems I would have to be to pull this off. I'm surprised he keeps coming back to me. I would never intentionally hurt him or anyone else but I can be an insecure mess. From what I've read, it sounds like most of the supporters are just innocent bystanders when their sufferers get triggered by something and push them away. I wish I could say that was the case with me but I'm the one that triggers him and sends him running by getting upset over things.
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Relationship I Feel Like A Jerk
- Post starter StormySea
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RecedingMoonlight
Silver Member
Hello friend,
Trust me when I say that you're not alone. Not all of us supporters are patient saints - a lot of us have our stumbles and pitfalls. Many of us have snapped and caused sufferers to spiral more, only to very carefully have to crawl on eggshells to get anywhere near a normal state to try and heal forward. As someone who suffers from Asperger's Disorder and ADHD, I can safely say that I've accidentally triggered my sufferer many times. It's a huge learning curve - and it takes a lot of time, a lot of communication, and a lot of screaming and crying to learn how to get to a stable communication front. Many 'patient saints' have probably ended up being such after many years of training. Call it like training a monk on a mountain point, lol.
By the looks of it, it sounds like you may have some unresolved issues yourself. Have you ever considered going to a therapist or a doctor to see if you can get a psychological assessment? May not be PTSD. Could be a form of anxiety. But if there is something underlying, knowing what you can do to help yourself as well could benefit both you and your sufferer.
Take care of yourself, friend. Supporting is hard, and considering we have The Angry Thread in the supporter self-management section, you can see that many supporters have it up to HERE with some of the things that happen, haha. :P
Trust me when I say that you're not alone. Not all of us supporters are patient saints - a lot of us have our stumbles and pitfalls. Many of us have snapped and caused sufferers to spiral more, only to very carefully have to crawl on eggshells to get anywhere near a normal state to try and heal forward. As someone who suffers from Asperger's Disorder and ADHD, I can safely say that I've accidentally triggered my sufferer many times. It's a huge learning curve - and it takes a lot of time, a lot of communication, and a lot of screaming and crying to learn how to get to a stable communication front. Many 'patient saints' have probably ended up being such after many years of training. Call it like training a monk on a mountain point, lol.
By the looks of it, it sounds like you may have some unresolved issues yourself. Have you ever considered going to a therapist or a doctor to see if you can get a psychological assessment? May not be PTSD. Could be a form of anxiety. But if there is something underlying, knowing what you can do to help yourself as well could benefit both you and your sufferer.
Take care of yourself, friend. Supporting is hard, and considering we have The Angry Thread in the supporter self-management section, you can see that many supporters have it up to HERE with some of the things that happen, haha. :P
- Post starter
- #3
Haha! Thank you for the funny, honest post. I feel less alone.:joyful: That's right, there is an angry supporter thread!;)
I have struggled with anxiety. Although I've made major gains in that regard it still sneaks up on me sometimes. I've also had therapy on and off over the years and plan to get more as I continue to work on myself.:)
grimalkin
Gold Member
Believe me, you're not alone. I can be a patient person, but there are times I can (and do!) demand that my own needs, desires, and wants be taken into consideration, dammit! I've only really deeply delved down the PTSD learning hole the last month or so, and...it's a lot to take in. I'm lucky in that I have somewhat of a psychology background, but now I can see how so much of our relationship has been affected not just by PTSD, but my own anxiety and depression as well.
You got this. We're all human, after all, and we all have to start somewhere in learning.
You got this. We're all human, after all, and we all have to start somewhere in learning.
Friday
Sponsor
LMFAO.
<<< Soooooo not patient. At all. Seriously.
And yet? Most of the best relationships I've ever had have been with people who share my brand of crazy.
I've also been told I have the patience of a saint. Snicker. Nope! Not really. What I do have is a generally-not-bothered by things that would require patience in others.
- I really don't mind violence up to certain levels, anger up to certain levels, lashing out up to certain levels, isolation up to certain levels, etc. Doesn't mean I like it, although sometimes I do, but I don't actively dislike it. It requires absolutely no patience on my part to "put up with" much less sacrifices to be made. Up to certain levels.
- Certain behaviors strike me as normal/polite instead of strange/bizarre. Singing out before entering a room, taking time to chill out between activities, play it by ear scheduling, certain kinds of paranoia (perimeter checks leap to mind), 10,000 projects in various stages of completion, sleeping in odd places, sleeping at odd times, etc. Ditto, no patience necessary. It's good for you? Okay. We'll do it that way, then.
These things done in certain ways & up to certain levels I'm completely chill with.
Notice the super repetitive caveats? Cross that line, and I don't play. Some things I have fairly wide boundaries on, but they're still boundaries, and being crossed I am going to react badly. To put it mildly. Others are hairs bredth. Either way, cross them and we're through. Done. Finis. Out.
Being PTSD -or any other disorder, disability, disease, etc.- doesn't buy anyone any kind of wiggle room, in my book. Because we're all individuals. Have unique spirits & personalities & ways of handling things. It's not about what disorder they have. It's about who they are. Not excluding the disorder, but including it. How any 2 PTSD'ers respond to something? Even the same symptoms... Are going to be different. It's not about their symptoms, or their responses... But how I cope with those things in my own life.
<<< Soooooo not patient. At all. Seriously.
And yet? Most of the best relationships I've ever had have been with people who share my brand of crazy.
I've also been told I have the patience of a saint. Snicker. Nope! Not really. What I do have is a generally-not-bothered by things that would require patience in others.
- I really don't mind violence up to certain levels, anger up to certain levels, lashing out up to certain levels, isolation up to certain levels, etc. Doesn't mean I like it, although sometimes I do, but I don't actively dislike it. It requires absolutely no patience on my part to "put up with" much less sacrifices to be made. Up to certain levels.
- Certain behaviors strike me as normal/polite instead of strange/bizarre. Singing out before entering a room, taking time to chill out between activities, play it by ear scheduling, certain kinds of paranoia (perimeter checks leap to mind), 10,000 projects in various stages of completion, sleeping in odd places, sleeping at odd times, etc. Ditto, no patience necessary. It's good for you? Okay. We'll do it that way, then.
These things done in certain ways & up to certain levels I'm completely chill with.
Notice the super repetitive caveats? Cross that line, and I don't play. Some things I have fairly wide boundaries on, but they're still boundaries, and being crossed I am going to react badly. To put it mildly. Others are hairs bredth. Either way, cross them and we're through. Done. Finis. Out.
Being PTSD -or any other disorder, disability, disease, etc.- doesn't buy anyone any kind of wiggle room, in my book. Because we're all individuals. Have unique spirits & personalities & ways of handling things. It's not about what disorder they have. It's about who they are. Not excluding the disorder, but including it. How any 2 PTSD'ers respond to something? Even the same symptoms... Are going to be different. It's not about their symptoms, or their responses... But how I cope with those things in my own life.
Never_falter2
Diamond Member
I tell you my dirty little secret, you know, my sufferer has the patience of a saint. He can be mega bossy and controlling but he rarely has angry outbursts if at all.
I am the one who gets angry at times. I know, I know it should be the other way around.
I am the one who gets angry at times. I know, I know it should be the other way around.
Never_falter2
Diamond Member
BTW I wish he had angry outburst because when I get angry he transforms into "Mr. bossy boss". Maybe other spouses know what I am talking about. He just puts his thumbs into his belt and tells me "No", "Stop bothering me", "Why don't you do something productive and clean the kitchen".
No matter what we are talking about. He can direct any discussion into the direction of "why don't you clean the kitchen" or something like this and it annoys me and he KNOWS it annoys me which makes it all the more fun for him.
No matter what we are talking about. He can direct any discussion into the direction of "why don't you clean the kitchen" or something like this and it annoys me and he KNOWS it annoys me which makes it all the more fun for him.
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Sweetpea76
VIP Member
I dare my vet to tell me to clean the kitchen! That's the fast track to having the dirtiest damn kitchen in the county! He better clean MY kitchen! :devilish:
Sometimes you need to unleash the beast too!
Sometimes you need to unleash the beast too!
Never_falter2
Diamond Member
To be fair: he does more kitchen cleaning than me (at least if you take into account that I spend more time at home), because he cannot stand dirt and I don't mind.
That's my dirty little secret, I know his kryptonite.
OTOH I never tell him to clean the kitchen, maybe I should tell him, "go clean the kitchen" and when he does it the other day (because he was going to do it anyway) tell him "oh, I knew you would listen to me". Just to wind him up... hahaha!
I really do not know why it annoys me so much because by know I should know him, but his smug, sexist comments...
That's my dirty little secret, I know his kryptonite.
OTOH I never tell him to clean the kitchen, maybe I should tell him, "go clean the kitchen" and when he does it the other day (because he was going to do it anyway) tell him "oh, I knew you would listen to me". Just to wind him up... hahaha!
I really do not know why it annoys me so much because by know I should know him, but his smug, sexist comments...
TheMinsterman
Gold Member
You learn, is what I am finding. I've certainly done things, albeit it not intentionally, that have upset and hurt my girlfriend, mainly worried and got in a panic myself, which I assume makes her feel unsafe as I need to be stable and secure for her to not feel in danger. Even when she's said it upsets her I've done it, admittedly because I have OCD and cannot just stop, you do feel tremendously bad afterwards but you have to remember, you're only human.
Best analogy I ever saw was it's a journey you go on together, sometimes you makes mistakes, you're not awful for doing so.
Best analogy I ever saw was it's a journey you go on together, sometimes you makes mistakes, you're not awful for doing so.
I've gotten "you don't even know how to cook" or "I don't even like your cooking" before. Okay, go back to eating ramen then. Less work for me :tup:
Never_falter2
Diamond Member
You know, mine would be fine with living on ramen and energy drinks *sigh*. You have to bully him into healthful eating.
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