Just quit a restaurant job because I couldn't take it anymore. Every day was like being punched by customers and coworkers. There was unfair favoritism, profane name-calling, gaslighting, hostility, lack of support from coworkers or management. I would feel dread, adrenaline rush through my body every time it was time to go to work. There was no flexibility, I couldn't take off because the owner said we had to get our shifts covered, but my problem was no one wanted to cover my shifts and if they did, I would have to work their shift the next week. Every work day I was running, sweating, my back constantly hurt, I was completely exhausted like I just ran a marathon. My workload was too much, I was told I was expected to take so many tables whereas the senior staff could pick how many tables they wanted and leave whenever they felt like it.
One of the workers there I got along with. She is sweet and kind. She called me and I hesitated calling her back because I knew she was going to talk about the restaurant and I just want to pretend it never existed. I called her back anyway and heard about how my former coworkers huddled together in a group and had a long discussion about how I was a terrible person and they hated me working there. They wanted her to join in and even advised her that it would be best for her to be on their side because she still had to work with them. I told her to just agree with them to make it peaceful for herself, that I knew the truth in how she felt about me but I also understand her need to survive at this job because she has kids to take care of. Even then, she refused to engage in their sh*t-talking session and finally told them to just leave her alone about it.
When I quit, my boyfriend did not understand. He got mad at and yelled at me. I tried to explain it to him, but he doesn't understand. He's concerned with our bills being paid. I have only a month's worth of my bills in my savings account. If I go unemployed any longer, I will have to sell my stocks to last another two months.
I reapplied to the agency that I never wanted to leave anyway. I wanted to retire there, but I was let go because of a misunderstanding with policy. I submitted my application after they invited me back for the second time, but it's been two weeks already and they haven't called to set up the next step in the long hiring process. I'm getting discouraged because I also have to compete with other applicants. This job is the only job I've ever worked for the longest and felt comfortable going to. Hostility, profane name-calling, aggressive confrontations are not tolerated in the workplace at this agency. I feel like it's a safe place to work, and like I said, I never wanted to leave, I wanted to retire there.
If I don't get my job back, I honestly don't know what to do. I have applied to other places but they have not called me either. I feel like I am limited to a certain type of work environment, otherwise, I will just off myself. I have for a long time pretended like my mental illness of PTSD and depression is not real and that I should be able to do things that other people do all the time. This is a lie. Sadly, I am just now starting to realize this. I have a mental illness and I need to start acknowledging that. It makes me feel less valuable, like I'm a burden to society. It's not even my fault that I have this. One person at fault is dead, the other is just waiting for death. Maybe I'm waiting for death, too.
Death sometimes sounds more like a sweet release than a dreaded event. People die and they feel nothing, they don't even feel the need to breathe. It is peaceful. Then I wouldn't have to deal with life anymore. I could be nonexistent. Ha! those that are living want to hurt me, but they can't hurt me if I'm dead. But I don't want them to win. I want to win, but I can't win because of my illness.
I am currently in school for a business degree (the whole reason I went to school was for the agency job), but what am I gonna do if I can't find a job, my boyfriend will disown me. I will lose my car, my life. I will live in a box on the side of the road.
Thanks for reading.
One of the workers there I got along with. She is sweet and kind. She called me and I hesitated calling her back because I knew she was going to talk about the restaurant and I just want to pretend it never existed. I called her back anyway and heard about how my former coworkers huddled together in a group and had a long discussion about how I was a terrible person and they hated me working there. They wanted her to join in and even advised her that it would be best for her to be on their side because she still had to work with them. I told her to just agree with them to make it peaceful for herself, that I knew the truth in how she felt about me but I also understand her need to survive at this job because she has kids to take care of. Even then, she refused to engage in their sh*t-talking session and finally told them to just leave her alone about it.
When I quit, my boyfriend did not understand. He got mad at and yelled at me. I tried to explain it to him, but he doesn't understand. He's concerned with our bills being paid. I have only a month's worth of my bills in my savings account. If I go unemployed any longer, I will have to sell my stocks to last another two months.
I reapplied to the agency that I never wanted to leave anyway. I wanted to retire there, but I was let go because of a misunderstanding with policy. I submitted my application after they invited me back for the second time, but it's been two weeks already and they haven't called to set up the next step in the long hiring process. I'm getting discouraged because I also have to compete with other applicants. This job is the only job I've ever worked for the longest and felt comfortable going to. Hostility, profane name-calling, aggressive confrontations are not tolerated in the workplace at this agency. I feel like it's a safe place to work, and like I said, I never wanted to leave, I wanted to retire there.
If I don't get my job back, I honestly don't know what to do. I have applied to other places but they have not called me either. I feel like I am limited to a certain type of work environment, otherwise, I will just off myself. I have for a long time pretended like my mental illness of PTSD and depression is not real and that I should be able to do things that other people do all the time. This is a lie. Sadly, I am just now starting to realize this. I have a mental illness and I need to start acknowledging that. It makes me feel less valuable, like I'm a burden to society. It's not even my fault that I have this. One person at fault is dead, the other is just waiting for death. Maybe I'm waiting for death, too.
Death sometimes sounds more like a sweet release than a dreaded event. People die and they feel nothing, they don't even feel the need to breathe. It is peaceful. Then I wouldn't have to deal with life anymore. I could be nonexistent. Ha! those that are living want to hurt me, but they can't hurt me if I'm dead. But I don't want them to win. I want to win, but I can't win because of my illness.
I am currently in school for a business degree (the whole reason I went to school was for the agency job), but what am I gonna do if I can't find a job, my boyfriend will disown me. I will lose my car, my life. I will live in a box on the side of the road.
Thanks for reading.
