Relationship I Feel So Defeated...

[summerof77]

I’m new to this site, but I think I just need some insight from people who have experience with PTSD.

My boyfriend of 3 years has combat ptsd. After he left the army he went to work for a private security contractor. It didn’t help anything. So, now he’s trying to live a “normal” life. He’s using his GI Bill to go to school full time.

On the outside it looks like everything is fine. But everything is not fine. He’s slowly driving me insane. Everything is an issue. Everything. From a relationship perspective he’s amazing. He’s thoughtful, helpful, he would do anything for me. He always wants to be around me. He actually has gotten to the point where I’m the only person he can be around. He finds a reason to hate everybody. He constantly goes off on these tangents about how much he hates every person he comes into contact with. He gets mad at somebody and says really horrible things about what he could do to that person. I don’t even feel comfortable repeating them. He so antisocial. I know that’s the PTSD. That’s okay.

But I have a 17 year old son. Probably one of the best teenagers you could ask for. He’s a really good kid, intelligent, focused, caring, responsible etc. And my boyfriend thinks the same thing about him. Says he loves him. But everything he does, pisses him off. And it’s not even big stuff. If he makes himself something to eat while my boyfriend is in the same room, he’s irritated. If he forgets his house key….he’s irritated. If he has the night off work, he thinks he’s lying. If he has a friend over….end of the world. I have to listen to this Sh*** constantly. For hours….and just when I think he’s done….he starts all over again. And it’s not just with my son. It’s everything. My mom doesn’t even live in the same state, but god forbid she visits me. I know he’s antisocial, and that’s a part of his PTSD. I get that. I try to accommodate that. I make sure that nobody stops by unannounced. I warn him if anybody is even going to stop by and pick up a book. But it doesn’t stop there. Money…omg…..anytime somebody needs something out of the ordinary items….it’s the end of the world. He flipped out because I had to buy my son’s cap and gown for graduation.

I tried to turn the heat on yesterday because it’s getting cold out and the house was 60 degrees, which is just too cold for me. He made some rude comment about me being weak, and I should try spending the winter in Afghanistan. This is kind of crap he throws at me all the time. He’s irritated by all the people that I’m close to….who by the way don’t even live in the same state.

We have a disagreement, and he’s so mean, and angry. He yells and throws things and I don’t even raise my voice most of the time. The only time I freak out, is when he punches a hole in the wall, or throws something through the wall. I’m becoming a professional at drywall repair.

He’s never been physically violent to me though. I just don’t understand the up and down cycles. It’s not even like there’s a trigger for me to look out for. EVERYTHING is a trigger. I’m normally such a calm person…I don’t let a lot get to me….I don’t like to be stressed out. But after 3 years of this…I think I’m finally breaking. My anxiety levels are so high….I’ve developed insomnia and had to be put on medication. I have mild anxiety attacks. Some days I don’t even want to go home. I drive the long way home, just to have some peace to myself before I go into the war zone.

I recently was able to talk him into seeing a therapist. He went through the VA and actually started seeing a therapist. But he’s only had one session, and he only sees her every other week. Pointless.

The worst part is he knows what he’s doing….and he knows he can’t help it. He tells me that he’s terrified to lose me….but he knows he’s going to ruin us. I tried talking to my mom about it….bad idea. She said it sounds I’m in an abusive relationship and he’s using his PTSD as an excuse. I don’t believe that’s the case. I just wish I understood more about it.

Wow, this was a long post. Sorry…

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[Zipperhead]

Welcome Summer.

If he's getting help, rejoice. Allot of us have had problems admitting we needed that help. After only one appointment, it's a little soon to be casting judgement as to how effective that therapist might be. Give him / her a chance to build some trust and see where that takes your sufferer. Triggers are hard to identify. I'm still learning. And anti social behaviour is a defense mechinism for him. Give him the space he needs until the therapist has done her job.

Your Mother is looking out for you. She is on your side. She doesn't want to see you get hurt. As sad as this is to say, the only way to get support is to not tell her the truth. She will always take your side. And his feelings mean nothing to her. So try to make sure you tell her about all the small victories and moments of joy, and avoid discussing the bad stuff. And be aware, allot of discussion on here can seem negitive as well. I know you have come here looking for hope. There is hope. Especially now that he has started therapy. But realise that allot of people come here to vent. Don't loose hope Summer. It will cripple you.

 

[IvyMillie]

I think Zipperhead is so right. Other people will not understand PTSD and will not be able to give you good advice on how to deal with it. They mean well, but it's beyond there ability to understand. Hopefully, on this forum you can have a good support system.

That is great that he is getting help. It sounds like he is a recent combat veteran so his symptoms are also very raw to him. It's typical for them to push you away at times. It is typical for them to be antisocial. I do think in time that he will get better.

My husband usually doesn't like any of my friends. So I associate with friends on the telephone or spend time with them when he is at work. You have to find ways to keep yourself happy too, but at times one must be a bit creative.:)

I'm really sorry about how he treats your son, I'm sure it breaks your heart. The sad part is that your son is at a vulnerable age. It's probably a relationship that will be strained for now. Can you explain it to your son?

My husband isn't around his grandkids much, but he doesn't have the nerves to deal with kids. Not that kids are bad, but they make him feel out of control.

I hope that you can find a way to de-stress. Being on this forum should help. Yes triggers come out of the blue so remember they are not your fault. You cannot control how he feels. You cannot make him happy. (these things took me years to figure out) You have to be you and let him be him. You need to disconnect a bit--not feel all the weight of it on your shoulders.

What I do when my husband is being difficult is that I go in my office and do something I enjoy. I let him sit and watch TV. It's my way of avoiding conflict and letting him know I don't want to be around him--but it isn't being mean, just a polite hint. I have some hobbies that I do--write poetry, read, or take a bubble bath that I will do that relax me.

Also, you might be able to encourage him to take up a hobby that relaxes him too. My husband plays golf. He also has found reading his Bible helps him alot--it relaxes him and makes him want to keep working on his anger issues. Some have mentioned that physical exercise helps. You know men, the feeling of accomplishment really makes them happy so if he can feel good about himself by accomplishing something like building a bird house (just my idea I sure would love a bird house). I think any active hobby would be beneficial.

Since you love him, you may just have to be patient with him. Give him time and space when he needs it. He may get over being anti social in time. I think they have real trust issues. My husband also gets those violent thoughts. These are all just parts of PTSD so hang in there.

Please find a way to take care of yourself!

 

[summerof77]

Thank you both so much for your advice and words of encouragement. They really mean a lot. Everything you say makes so much sense, and it's very comforting to know that these outbursts are normal. Every day is different, some are good, some not so good, but if I just take it one day at a time I'm confident over time we will work through it together. Like I always tell him...tomorrow is a new day. :)

 

[Loving4PTSD]

Hi Summer, I have to agree with Zipperhead too. Unfortunately, I can't tell my mom everything about my relationship either. It is really hard for me too, because I normally can talk to her about ANYTHING. But she and my dad just don't understand PTSD. They see it as his excuse to treat me bad and that he should "just get over it". Yeah, right, I wish he would just get over it too, but it doesn't work that way. :unsure:

I'm acutally on here today because my guy had been triggering over everything too lately. I have tried to get him to see a therapist but he always pushes the idea away. I am thinking about going to one for myself. There are a lot of therapist out there that deal with helping "carers of PTSD partners". I'm hoping that maybe if he sees me trying to do something to help "us" that maybe he will decide to come too. I have no idea if this will work, but like you, I feel like I am going insane!

We have been together 2 years and some days are easier then others. Today is not one of them! I come on this forum often because as sick as it sounds, its comforting in away, that there are other people out there going through the same things I am. :alien:

If you ever want someone to talk to, more one on one, feel free to message me at anytime and I will reply pretty quickly. The big picture is that we all have to be there for one another. Take care.

 

[Whereveryougo]

Summerof77 I read your post and I felt as though I had wrote the whole post from beginning to finish. I have never really defended myself at all with my Vet until the day before yesterday and I lost all cool. Just imagine we are living together and he was pissed because my dog (that has been there 7 yrs before him) was scratching. Well I am in Florida so there may be an itch from time to time. Anyways, he comes up with this crap "you should get rid of the dog if you can't commit to him" mind you I was at work while he was up all night and probably slept until he could bitch at me... UGH... Count to 50 lol... Then he goes on to say "that is the reason I am not in committed relationship with you" ( being me)... "because I "(him) can't committ to anyone". Well then why in the hell is he living with me then... Oh and the griping about the kids goes on and on. One minute hotter than hell next minute cool as a cucumber... He breaks my 6 year old's spirit sometimes and I have gotten to the point when she tells him he is mean just to let her express it her way because to tell you the truth he is. Not to mention him not working then bitching when there is not enough $ to go around. ohhhhh breaaathe.....

Now on another note, I was on my way to work today and realized crap tomorrow is Veteran's Day what a huge TRIGGER for a big pain in my a@@. This could be why it is a little worse right now than usual... As loving4ptsd you can also message me you both can and we can swap stories.

Hey Zipperhead I love that you pop in on here... What do you think about the whole live with someone but we are not committed thing... I was thinking whatever makes him feel safe?

 

[summerof77]

Whereeveryougo, I listen to the same things as you're describing. Sometimes I think they self-sabatoge so if the relationship fails, they've already convinced themselves it was for the best. I think it's another defense mechanism. He's hot and cold. Depends on what kind of days he's had. Whatever his stress level is, I can tell what kind of day it's going to be....The biggest challenge for me, is to always have my positive attitude be constant. And boy is that hard sometimes, especially when they're tearing down everything around you. But, like I said, it's not every day. And the therapy seems to helping. At the very least it gives him an outlet to talk to about things he may not feel comfortable talking to me about. I'm trying to get him to join a group therapy session, so he can see that he's not the only one going through this, and that he's not crazy. Deep breath, one day at a time....

 

[Whereveryougo]

Not crazy:) Not gonna mention this weekends total mishap but I think a lot of times they will push us so far just to see if we will hang around and put up with it... I dont this they are crazy lol but I do joke with my Vet and tell him he is not wired right lol. Sometimes it is very tiring to have a "positive attitude" sometimes when I am a jerk is when he respects me the most!:ninja: Today is a good day! No worries thus far!