I found my therapist's home address

[Movingforward10]

Thanks all. I blurted it out in the session as it felt so wrong to keep it from her. Here she is being all kind to me and there I have been violating her privacy.

This is obviously quite a big step to look up her personal address so I’d hope she will see that it came from a place of connection-seeking rather than anything else, and be able to work through with you why you felt you needed to have that information in the moment.

Yeah, I think she has seen it as a connection thing as she asked why I did it. And I said connection. She wondered if it helped with feeling connected with her.

That's kind of interesting and might be worth exploring. It's HER boundary, right? So how does it work that SHE doesn't think you pushed anything but you think she's wrong?

Yeah. I worry I do things wrong. I think it's linked to the past and the worry I made people do the trauma. And I'm doing it again now as she says it's ok I did it, and I am showing respect to the theraputic relationship by telling her. But I feel like I have destroyed the relationship.

In a perfect world I would recommend being honest with her because it would certainly lead you to explore how your transference at times delves into unhealthy coping mechanisms (such as searching for your therapist's personal information when upset) and if your therapist were experienced with transference she would be able to get a lot of meat out of that session, and I am sure it would do a lot to solidify the therapeutic alliance you both have.

I was honest. Eventually. In the session. I really really hope it does solidify the theraputic alliance. I just feel at the moment I have f*cked everything up.

If I recall correctly your mom was very invasive with your privacy on multiple levels, it seems she would have liked to know everything about you inside and out. Perhaps this old dynamic is related to the feeling that if you have a secret you lose connection?

Yep. Could be a lot in this.

For what it’s worth I’m on the other side of this fence. I went through almost the same thing. Found out my T’s address and agonized about it in my diary, self-judgment and desperate to tell her and receive mercy. I think it was Freida who helped me work through it with a question like, “What is the goal of telling her? Is the goal is to help her because you think she might be unaware that her address is public and she might be stalked by other clients? Or is the goal for her to soothe you for crossing her boundary and if that’s the case, what kind of position does that put her in? What rupture and/or abandonment might that exchange be attempting to resurrect?”

I think , in all honesty, that I wanted her to make it better. And I did raise with her it feels very odd talking this over with her because I am so ashamed , but I'm talking about my violation of her privacy with her. And I don't want to put this on her. She said that it can help with processing it by hearing her view. So she was open to it.


Anyway, I told her. And she said it was ok. I wasn't the first client to do that. That we need to understand why I did it. And explore what else I need at moments like that. And if finding out that "data point" (as she called it) made me feel more connected, if it was important, what I felt about it now. She kept saying it was ok.

All I think is I am a complete prize f*cking deranged person.

 

[Movingforward10]

IMO… when in doubt… Golden Rule it.

Would you want to be told if someone looked up your address?

What's the golden rule: treating someone how I would want to be treated?


I would want to know if someone looked up my address.

 

[Weemie]

All I think is I am a complete prize f*cking deranged person.

Glad to hear it went well! You aren't deranged at all - it happens often enough that it is an expectation for a therapist at some point to have clients who wish to learn what is publicly available about their therapist (in vetting my therapist I actually read her dissertation and resume!) It sounds like you are triggered, both from the situation itself and potentially your response to it as well (heightened distress, tears, etc). Very normal for PTSD, I'm afraid.

 

[Movingforward10]

Glad to hear it went well! You aren't deranged at all - it happens often enough that it is an expectation for a therapist at some point to have clients who wish to learn what is publicly available about their therapist (in vetting my therapist I actually read her dissertation and resume!) It sounds like you are triggered, both from the situation itself and potentially your response to it as well (heightened distress, tears, etc). Very normal for PTSD, I'm afraid.

Thanks @Weemie. Yep maybe I am triggered. Going to some dark places in my mind (SI jumping around). I need to pull back from it somehow. It is Def a crazy place my mind right now.
Not sure telling her has made it any easier, but infact worse. Can't hold what she said as too busy being f*cked up.

 

[Rose White]

I think you are super brave and I’m proud of you. You listened to your intuition and went with it. You risked a lot and she stayed with you. Connection is very important to you and you hold it in high value because you would want someone to do that for you and stay connected with you. Well done. Gentle with yourself. You are worthy of connection. Can you remind yourself of that?

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks @OliveJewel. Made me feel tearful.

I suppose I have to work on forgiving myself. If it is that she has 'forgiven' me/said it's ok. I'm in the middle of it all right now which means a whirlwind of shame and wanting it all to go away.
Need to work through these feelings so that I can feel i haven't destroyed the relationship with her, and can continue therapy with her. She has said it's ok and she'll see me next week, and talking about the next few sessions. So she isn't terminating me. I need to not terminate my relationship with her too.

 

[No More]

I’m pleased to hear it went well, and props to you for telling her.
It sounds like she saw it for what it was, she understands, and she is going to explore with you what it means for you and how to better meet that need for connection.

Try and lean into the fact that she’s said it’s okay, take her at her word & don’t try to second guess her. It’s okay.

 

[Movingforward10]

thanks @nomore. I'm trying to lean into that. or at least i hope I can in a bit.
She couldn't have responded better really. I do need to take something from that.

 

[Friday]

Thanks @OliveJewel. Made me feel tearful.

I suppose I have to work on forgiving myself. If it is that she has 'forgiven' me/said it's ok. I'm in the middle of it all right now which means a whirlwind of shame and wanting it all to go away.
Need to work through these feelings so that I can feel i haven't destroyed the relationship with her, and can continue therapy with her. She has said it's ok and she'll see me next week, and talking about the next few sessions. So she isn't terminating me. I need to not terminate my relationship with her too.

Might explore the cognitive distortions/core beliefs that are feeding into this particular river.

1. What were you trying to accomplish by looking her up? (Proving she’s “real”, object permanence, connection, sense of control, curiosity, etc.)

2. What led you to believe looking her up was okay? (Turnabout is fair play if she has your physical address, cultural acceptance / matter of public record, no ill intent, trauma history stuff, etc.)

3. What changed / led you to believe looking her up was not okay? (Violation of professional/personal boundaries, trauma history stuff, etc.)

4. At what point did what you were doing switch in your mind from okay to not okay?

5. Why?

6. At what point did you begin catastrophizing, &/or kicking into panic / self sabotage / labeling / etc.

7. Any other pieces & how they fit?

Etc.

 

[Movingforward10]

1. What were you trying to accomplish by looking her up? (Proving she’s “real”, object permanence, connection, sense of control, curiosity, etc.)
I think it was to feel connected to her. And also to feel ok as I've been feeling not ok.

2. What led you to believe looking her up was okay? (Turnabout is fair play if she has your physical address, cultural acceptance / matter of public record, no ill intent, trauma history stuff, etc.)
I knew it wasn't ok but did it anyway. It is on public record, but it takes me being active to look for it to see it. It obviously doesn't fall into my lap.

3. What changed / led you to believe looking her up was not okay? (Violation of professional/personal boundaries, trauma history stuff, etc.)
More thought about her and how boundaried she is.

4. At what point did what you were doing switch in your mind from okay to not okay?
I'm not sure I can pin point it. It wasn't whilst I was doing it. as decided my need was ok and it was ok, to justify doing it. I think the crisis came in thinking about how she would feel about it, and how I've done something wrong/bad/terrible. And then going from there.

5. Why?
I wonder if I am just sabotaging everything. I wonder if that lies at the bottom of it. I also wonder if it is about the past. Doing things, then trauma happening, and replaying that old chestnut.

6. At what point did you begin catastrophizing, &/or kicking into panic / self sabotage / labeling / etc.
when i decided this was a boundary violation and I started to freak out. I've done the wrong thing and therefore something terrible will happen.

7. Any other pieces & how they fit?
i feel like i need more of her. Which makes me then feel like a total freak.

I think i'm in such a state right now that I'm not sure I'm understanding any of this.

 

[Sideways]

I think i'm in such a state right now that I'm not sure I'm understanding any of this.

What are your other distress tolerance tools? What has helped in the past? It sounds like it may be a good time to engage those tools.

 

[Movingforward10]

What are your other distress tolerance tools? What has helped in the past? It sounds like it may be a good time to engage those tools.

breathing.
Journaling.
Holding my little stone ( I don't have that with me)
Speaking with E (she's in the city/i'm in the countryside. We haven't spoken today and speaking with her would be over the phone and telling her about this over the phone doesn't feel right: i'm f*cking crazy. I'm not sure I can tell E. I considered phoning a friend and talking it through with her, but that feels unachievable too).


unhealthy ones:
drinking - i haven't and don't have the desire to.
Sleeping - too scared to. and it is only 8.20pm


Other healthy ones:
distraction.
exercise.
moving my body.
hugging myself.
speaking to myself.
I can do some of those.