I Go There To Cry

[Trinomial]

It recently occured to me that I only cry when I am with my therapist. I don't cry every session and it is fact not my goal to cry.

We discuss whatever happens to come to mind that I feel I need to explore or work on. Sometimes it's dealing with a traumatic incident (there are many) other times I jsut need to talk about how society got to a point where these things are allowed to happen on a daily basis.

Sometimes we'll dissect my dreams and talk about what it is a manifestation of.

But why do I feel the need to indulge in the past? Why do I relate it to myself now? I am still me, even if I take the ptsd context away.

I don't want to base my self-concept on the trauma or the people involved in the trauma. I don't want to give something that is undeserving of attention, that kind of energy.

I'm going to discuss this tomorrow at my session.

Is there a point in reliving these things or accepting the pain?

Do I need to validate what I experienced in order to let go--or do I simply drop it and live as though none of it ever happened?

Part of me thinks I'd lose some of the passion I have for psychology and understanding people if I let go of the things that led me here, but another part of me feels like I shouldn't need to validate what happened. I am me, no matter what. I haven't changed. If I'm going to change, I am going to have to let go and keep moving.

 

[Trinomial]

I'm thinking about this more.

There's a part of me that wants to be no one, to not have any obligations or expectations, to just drift from one thing to the next without any real concern for what happens--and in a sense, I am like that already. I do trust my decision-making skills, and I deal with the consequences of my decisions. This is the part of me that sees no need for change, I feel a balance of sorts.

Another part of me wants to recognize that what happened is wrong. It wants to be someone. It wants to defy norms and have experience to back up its claims or observations. It wants to see change.

 

[Trinomial]

I think in part, it's all I have to identify with.

I have never been able to think of tomorrow, not even when I was a little kid.

I don't identify with my mind, body, or spirit, so I latch on to the observations I make and the experiences I have.