I Grew Up With Violence And Never Expected To Live Past 21

[PerfectEmpire]

Hello atl22, I'm glad you're here. Your introduction is beautiful.

I have flashbacks at the oddest moments, like reaching for a gallon of milk I remember a murder that I witnessed and I get lost sometimes when walking in the middle of the street.

This happens to me all of the time! You are not alone there! I cannot for the life of me figure out why I get flashbacks while doing the most mundane tasks. And I get lost all the time. Whenever I had jobs, I always had a difficult time explaining to my boss that I was late because I got lost while going to the same place I go every day!

So many of my good friends died while the evil ones lived that I became convinced by age 16 that only good people were killed, which made me act crazy and taunt death in order to prove to myself that I am a good person but each day that I lived made me believe that I was not good at all.

I can relate to this logic. Wow. It really brings me back to about age 12... I'm glad you posted this.

The day that I put down my gun was the scariest day of my life. I remember how light I felt and how empty and terrified.

I don't even know what to say. This is my favorite part of your intro. For some reason I can relate. While it may not be a gun, I think most of us have had to put down something in order to move on to a better life. To live a safer life you have to play your part and demonstrate commitment to those ideals, though it is often frightening. I'm still dealing with this because I still need to put down the gun that's in my mind - my mental defenses that are keeping me from healing.

I want to have faith in humans again because I learned so young that every human is capable of murder.

Every human. I am SO glad you said this. Many people I know do not understand this concept. They think that people who kill are "evil" or "bad." I spent a great deal of time in the worst parts of Baltimore growing up and will never forget the people I met and their humanity. My father would carry his gun with him everywhere we went. It's a way of life there. When I was 12 I learned that even I was capable of becoming outright homicidal. After that, my whole understanding of the world took a sharp turn. What I'm saying is, wow, I love what you've posted. I think you have a lot of insight to share with the world.

I can also relate to your anger issues. When I first got married I was yelling at my husband and throwing things at him and acting outright crazy. But I saw that it made him distant. Therapy helped me learn to communicate in a healthier way. I've been married 4.5 years now and I hardly ever get like that anymore. It's likely possible for you to learn and change and see results, with good therapy.

What you said about pepper is very interesting. It reminds me of the sort of sort of thinking you mentioned earlier: "act crazy and taunt death in order to prove to myself that I am a good person." Eat pepper to remind myself that I am still alive. It's deep; it's kind of obsessive; it's a result of being in a lethal context day in and day out. Those sentences wouldn't make logical sense to most "normal" people. My PTSD during the worst years was very similar. Everything was attached to a heavy life/death meaning, because everything reminded me of something else. I totally get what you are saying about pepper. I was constantly reminding myself of heavy concepts by using particular brand names, ink colors, foods, numbers. And I played mind games with myself similar to how you were taunting death.

I'm so glad you posted. I hate that you are suffering, but I feel hope for you.

 

[Nishkaa]

Hey-ya atl22,

I think you are truly a remarkable human being! Amazing your work in architecture-- that's good stuff! Also beautiful is your love of your woman.

Some anger management stuff can also help with PTSD symptoms, it's one helpful piece of the healing puzzel. But learning how to ground PTSD symptoms is a good place to start.

Are you able to access a therapist with experience working with PTSD and anger? That would be a important first step.

The training you had in pain desensitization, reminds me a bit of a friend of mine, who also has PTSD, was part of an "Airborne Regiment"-- trained to be really tough, fighting skills, etc., got an honourable discharge from the Army. Yes, I think it does definitely cause splitting of consciousness.

I wouldn't say to go right into EMDR, but it's an option along your recovery journey that may be helpful along the way-- but it's important to get down some of the basics of PTSD coping first-- so getting a therapist with experience treating PTSD is an important first step.

There's a couple of websites on line, that can do referrals to counsellors in your area: one is the Sidran (.org) Institute; the other is isst-d.org-- they're based in the States-- but I'm in Canada and they had good info for me up there-- they've got a pretty big data-base of help worldwide it seems. There's a "help desk"-- you can email to, explain some of the situation, and they can make appropriate referrals. You can also phone them, if that is more comfortable.

Body therapies may help as well-- I like yoga ;-) because it gave me a different way to connect to my body and I find the awareness helps me a lot with the PTSD symptoms, and is a good foundation for building on other therapies, e.g. CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapies-- anger management employs some of this). Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction-- progressive body scan meditation-- big wow-- I've also been very numb to my body, dissociated from it. These are mind-body therapies, they can help reconnect, re-wire.

I am really really glad you are here! This is a good place to talk things out too, after experiences-- many people have similar challenges, some have figured out some ways that have worked-- so I've found it's a neat place to get newer ideas.

First step is finding a good PTSD therapist-- have some guidance, help on where to apply focus-- it's a big process, recovery is, so it's working on small more manageable pieces, and build from there. It was hard for me to find a therapist that was affordable/accessible-- but makes a big difference-- I like to think of my 'social worker' as part of my "ptsd management team' ;-), because left to my own devices, I can easily become lost, not sure on what to work on first, etc.

I remember a movie about a guy who would drink Tobassco sauce, to ground in some way, in preparation for or post-dealing with difficult situations-- can't remember the movie, John Cusack I think was in it. . . ;-) It kind of makes sense. I can see the pepper thing too. I use cold water and ice cubes sometimes, to help me feel present, deal with dissociation or anxiety and chaos feelings.

Anyway, I am so glad you arrived here-- and look forward to seeing you around-- like I said, I'm really impressed with your survival; things you've accomplished and the miracle of a wonderful heart surviving it as well. Pretty Amazing :) This is a really neat community here-- great place to bounce ideas, share, learn, feel less alone with the stranger of experiences ;-)

You Rock! :)
Cheers,
~ Nishkaa