I Have No Control Over My Life.

[SwordsPandaGirl]

Sorry, I was not sure where to post this, so please move it if required.

Sorry, it is a very long post.

I'm doubting all the decisions I've made in life. From a young age I've always been told I'm not good enough, too fat, too ugly blah blah. My family are so critical over everything I do, I always feel like I'm never good enough and I will never amount to the person they want me to be. This is especially so from my parents and aunties. Every time I'd get a good grade or do something good, they'd just act like it was nothing, it wasn't important and I could have done better, is the message I would always seem to register by their reactions.

From a young age I've always loved activities which show creativity. I started dancing from the age of 6 and since then found that it was a sport that allowed me to just let go of everything. When I danced, I released pain, sadness and everything the world could throw at me, I loved it. I also got into drama and music as I grew up and loved how I could express myself without others judging as I did these things because I enjoyed them.

I've always tried hard at school and still have a need to push myself to my limits to achieve high grades, I still need to prove to my parents that I am smart. Since I was young I wanted to go to University to further my education and show my parents/family that I AM capable of obtaining a degree, that I AM smart enough.

When It came to deciding what degree I wanted to pursue, my parents told me not to go to University. As I have to travel to the UK to study (there are no Universities where I am from), they told me I would not be able to handle being on my own in a different country. They told me if I failed I would be in masses amount of debt and would struggle the rest of my life trying to pay it off. Despite their comments, I NEEDED to go and prove to them that I was smart enough to do it.

They changed their minds once they saw I was achieving A's in my A-Levels and told me I could go if I wanted to. I was so thrilled they were finally seeing that I could do it, that I can achieve high grades and that my dream of going to University was finally becoming a reality. However when they asked me what degree I wanted to pursue, they quickly changed their minds. I said that I wanted to go and study something that was performance studies related. Either to do with drama or production, so that I could continue doing what I love and made me happy.

They would not allow me to go and do a degree in that. They said I would struggle getting a job afterwards (which I was very aware of). I understand that they were looking out for me but it was something I absolutely loved (and was good at).

Eventually they said that accounting would be more appropriate, I would be able to find a job as a chartered accountant and it would look very impressive.....So I did what they told me.

I have now completed my second year of Accounting at university. I have been achieving good grades throughout the whole year, despite struggling constantly with anxiety, depression and flashbacks. I should be proud of myself and my accomplishments but I am not. I am now questioning whether this is what I wanted to do. Do I really want to become a qualified accountant once I've graduated? I couldn't be more unhappy with my life. I enjoy my degree, don't get me wrong. I love maths, I love doing accounts but I have to question whether I'd be happier if I had decided to do what I originally wanted to do?

It has been a few years since I stopped dancing, acting and playing guitar and I miss it so much. I miss feeling the happiness I once had, I miss playing different characters to escape myself for a little while. I don't have the same joy I do for accounting as I did for all those things.

I feel my family are controlling my life. Like it is their life and not my own. I have done everything in order to please them and make them happy, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness instead. I don't think they are happy with me, even now. I skype my parents every week and they don;t even listen to what I have to say. They're either too busy watching TV or arguing with each other to take notice of me. it kills me! Why aren't they happy with me? How can I make them happy?! Nothing I do ever seems good enough and It saddens me to think that I am not what they wanted in a daughter. I went to Uni to study what they wanted me to, when no one in my family has ever gone to University, I thought that would make them proud but It hasn't. I don't understand what I've done wrong or what I should be doing.

I have recently told my mum about the abuse (she has gone through quite a bit as a child with her parents and other things I'd rather not go into detail), from that day (two weeks ago) she keeps telling me how men cannot be trusted, how they are all the same, looking for the same things and how they are all predators.

I have trust issues (especially with men) from my childhood abuse and I am constantly fighting with these thoughts and feelings myself. Its making me feel even more anxious and paranoid. What's worse is that I am currently engaged with a man I have been with for 7 years now. He has been my rock through everything, has been there to help an support me and is very understanding. After so long of me putting off getting married (I have commitment issues and I am very scared tbh), I decided that I felt ready (or as ready as I ever will be) and we have been talking and making plans to get married in a years time. However my mum is now telling me that it is ok if I don't want to get married and I should think about it. She is trying to put me off marrying him!

The problem is that I agree with what she is saying about men but I don't know what to do. I'm torn! I love him with all my heart but she is playing with my emotions and fears that I already have.

I feel my life Is falling apart. I am so unhappy with everything and its making me choke. I've tried my hardest to make my family like me and be proud of me, when all they do it shut me down and show me constantly how much of a screw up I actually am.

I am so sorry to vent so much but I don't have anyone or anywhere else left to turn to and I feel my life is out of control. Thanks so much for reading.

 

[scout86]

You don't have to apologize for a long post. There's a lot there to consider.

It's YOUR life. YOU are the only person you will have to deal with for each and every day of it. YOU are the one who gets to decide how you want to live it, although you can consider what others have to say and you can also chose to let them make decisions for you.

Have you considered that there might be something "wrong" with your family and that there might not actually BE any way you can satisfy them? And it's not about your inadequacy, it's about their own issues? In that case, there's no point in spending a lot of time worrying about what they think, is there?

One of the things I learned when I graduated from high school and left my parent's house was that there were actually people out in the world who liked me just the way I was. Maybe not a lot of them, LOL, but some. That gave me a whole new perspective on things. I pretty much gave up on the idea of every "making my biological family happy". I never felt like I'd come close and finally accepted that I wouldn't, and moved on. Do what makes YOU happy. You realize that getting a job in the arts may not be easy. That's good. If you're still willing to take the chance, I'd say go for it. We tend to regret things we never gave a chance to more than we regret stuff we've tried. You can always go back and be an accountant, if the other options don't work out. It sounds to me like you got so much joy from the arts, and it's such a part of who you are that it's a shame to put it aside.

I've tried my hardest to make my family like me and be proud of me, when all they do it shut me down and show me constantly how much of a screw up I actually am.

So, maybe you're not a "screw up" at all? Maybe they have some kind of pathological reason to make you feel that way?

What does your BF say about your career choices?

Are you in therapy? All of this is complicated. It might be nice to get an objective opinion on the dynamics with your family. I can relate to your situation! I'm in my late 50's and my family is still waiting for me to "get a real job". LOL And yet I've been pretty much self sufficient since I graduated from high school.

 

[ChasingMyTail]

I agree with Scout - it is your life. You have to live it for yourself. Trying to please them only got you where you are today - shake things up a bit! Trying pleasing yourself :) It will never be to late to get a degree in performing arts.

As far as your marriage goes that is for you and your guy to decide. In this case the heart is wiser than the brain. Maybe you mom worries you won't finish your school or maybe it is a power thing. Either way the relationship is about you and your boyfriend - your mom is merely a satellite orbiting around it.

P.S. Start dancing again :)

 

[shimmerz]

I feel my family are controlling my life. Like it is their life and not my own.

We are all born with a soul and a purpose @SwordsMistress (this is just my opinion). We are meant to grow into that soul, to see it, to follow it's messages to live a full life. Many people try to steal parts of your soul. I truly believe that in healing through PTSD, we must reclaim our souls. That can be quite a process. You speak about dancing. There is a very well known woman on the internet who claims that dancing healed her PTSD. I am not sure if I can post the link here.

If you can't follow your soul things 'happen' to let you know. Fear, no anchoring, no direction or purpose. A feeling of not being true to yourself. Listen to your soul......hear it and do whatever you can to catch up with it again, to sync with it. You deserve to reclaim it.

 

[Bagpuss]

Hi. If you got good grades at school and you managed to go to Uni, then you haven't screwed up. Perhaps your parents have their own issues. Perhaps your mum isn't happy with her own life, and is perhaps a little envious of you finding happiness with your man.

If your man treats you right, and you are happy, and you both want to get married, then go ahead. You can invite your family, and tell them you want them to be there, but if they dont want to be, then so be it.

I really don't think there's anything wrong with you. They're the ones with the problem. They should be giving you their love and support. Don't let them destroy your confidence in yourself x

 

[Lidia]

@SwordsMistress ,

I can feel your pain and your fear. Our parents are supposed to give us unconditional love and, when they do not, we may obsess our entire life trying to 'deserve' that love (to which we are entitled the very day we are born). Indeed, I agree with Scout86 that the problem may be in your family, and you are paying the consequences but blaming yourself.
It sounds to me like your boyfriend, on the other hand, has loved you and supported you unconditionally over several years. Why would you not commit to him if you love him and if he has shown you clearly that he loves you and will stick by you no matter what? And why would you let those who don't seem to give you any true support put doubts in your mind about the only person that does support you unconditionally?

There came a time in my own life when I had to 'divorce' my family for the exact same reasons you say. That was when I was about 20. After 15 years away from home, I now have a relationship with them on a more equal basis (it did not take 15 years! Much less...it was a gradual process). I am not saying that you should do the same or that your family deserves that you take the distance. I am only saying that it is healthy to cut the umbilical cord and take ownership over your life. It may sound scary now but you will have a power and an inner sense of self that will serve you well for the rest of your life.

Life is too short - go where the happiness is for you. The rest will fall into place. :hug:

 

[jmni]

SwordsMistress, would it be possible for you to start dancing again? I am sure you have a lot of work to do but would it not be possible to also find time to dance? In a way of course your parents were right. Accounting is a more steady job than dancing. But dancing is an art and you can pursue that as something for yourself. What prevents you from doing that? If you are a creative person you should be actively creative and associate with other creative people. It hurts to be without it and leaves some part of you empty.

It sounds like you are either too easily influenced by your mother, that she may be manipulative and controlling, and that you resent her (and maybe your father as well) for this, and feel guilty for not being able to stand up to her. The bottom line is it's gotten into your head and you don't like it. My advice is to stop opening up to her and also to stop contacting her. But you probably can't stop cold turkey so my advice is communicate through email. Only tell her highlights or make things sound boring. Start setting up boundaries. Your mother might very well believe that you need her approval and that you need her opinion to make up your own mind. But you can show her that you don't. It doesn't have to be today and it doesn't have to be in a big blow out fight. All you have to do is chose to stop sharing with her and set up boundaries.

Do you hate accounting? If you loathe it and feel that its a burden consider majoring in something else. You might not even have to tell her that you changed your major.