General I Honestly Can't Wait For Him To Leave

[Deleted member 1860]

Nevermind.

 

[EverOnly358]

I just wanted to say, I think everybody's right. Here's the thing... you can only decide what's right FOR YOU. That's it.

I'm so lucky. My husband has put up with years and years of my shit. I feel terrible for what I put him through. In the past, I was in therapy for years and it just didn't help. Then I quit therapy and he still stuck with me. Then I went back to therapy and for the moment things are a lot better. I don't know what I would do without him! But y'know what... he chose what was right FOR HIM. He always tells me he loves me and wants to be with me no matter what. That's his choice. I still don't understand how he's managed to stick by my side.

On the other hand, it can be so difficult to be around a sufferer. We're no piece of cake to be around. There will be bad times, really, really bad times. If you can't handle it, if you just can't... y'know what? That is OKAY. Take care of you. Life is strange. Trust your gut.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I think it's okay to disagree and discuss those disagreements here. This is a great website, with very supportive people and a lot of terrific information. Even heated discussions should be okay... we can learn a lot from arguing.

 

[Barconian]

But the question really is do you love him and how strong are you ?

Even the strongest has a breaking point and we need to respect that!

 

[Abstract]

Gosh. I hope everyone stops discussing everyone elses responses and gets back to supporting kacee. It just keeps fuelling it.

I can no longer deal with untreated PTSD. The outbursts of anger need to go away. ..... I'm suppose to be a magician and smooth things out. And I'm expected to have it done yesterday. Well - no more. He is a grown man. His choice is to not get treatment. His choice is to continue the way he has lived for the past 40 years....Ya - How's that working for you? They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I've been guilty of that as well. But no more. I'm done, over, not sitting on this roller coaster any longer.

I am so glad to hear this kacee. You are not harsh and it is a relief to hear that you are at last putting up boundaries. When someone is in the stage that he is and acting out like he is and refusing treatment then often the best thing is to hope he will get to rock bottom so that he starts seeing the light and gets the treatment he deserves.

Putting up with more aggressive behaviour and emotional abuse from him with no view of an end is not a sensible thing to do. For either of you.

Yes. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome is not a rational mindset! We have all done it some way before but you have found the point where you are saying stop. :)

Supporting someone no matter what their behaviour is the cornerstone of enabling behaviour and causes much harm. To everyone. Supporting someone through a lot when they are doing their part could not be more different.

Well done and I truly hope for healing for you both.

 

[MissPell]

I want this new year to be different. I don't want to be walking on eggshells. I don't want to bite my tongue. I can no longer deal with untreated PTSD. I'm suppose to be a magician and smooth things out. I'm expected to have it done yesterday.

I'm a "Sufferer" (New to this forum and want to make sure I identify myself properly before speaking)
This doesn't sound harsh to me. This sounds resolute. It sounds final. It sounds like enough is enough.

I have had PTSD my entire life. My supporters love me and realize that they cannot change me. They only have control over themselves and the way they deal with me. They have never stopped loving me, and sometimes they have had to love me from far away.
I am responsible for me. They are responsible for them. Unconditional love does not mean being a doormat, a screaming tree or a verbal/physical punching bag just because the object of your affection has a disorder. Sacrificing your own mental health for someone who is unwilling is an exercise in futility.

You do not have to end the relationship if it is not your desire to do so. At the same time, you must take care of yourself. Distance will help. If you do leave, you might consider making the following three statements:
1. I love you
2. I cannot be around you while your symptoms remain untreated
3. Get professional help and I will consider continuing this relationship

You have to be firm and consistent, not giving in to manipulative statements and actions intended to get you to stick around and hold his hand on this path of destruction.

 

[crickett]

kacee,
Wow your post hit me to the core. I have been married now for 18 years and it has been a struggle daily. The words rollecoaster, walking on eggshells, thinking the world is out to get him, ring all to clear to me. I am a people pleaser and have lived the last 18 years trying to help him. He appreciates all that I have done, but he is still the same after 18 years. The question to stay or go is the hardest I have ever done in my life. I want to help but I now know that it is a choice he has to make. I cannot do it for him and I will no longer be treated as the enemy. But I still cannot leave, even after affairs based soley on sex. I know it is his way of escape. He choses to be numb and block me out cause this makes it easier. The only one that can make the decision is you. Because you have to live with it.

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Kacee--
In case there was too much "miscellaneous stuff" in my last post for you to deal with (frankly I might not have read all the posts once this thread got seriously derailed away from the support you needed if I were you) I just want you to know that I think you are really, courageous, brave and strong for what you are doing. I am glad you are doing what is right for you--that is such a hard but momentous step to take, especially when it's someone you love or once loved. It's especially hard to walk away when you know how much that person is suffering (even if they are choosing not to help themselves).

I'll say it again, good for you for saying "enough is enough", and choosing to love and care for yourself, because frankly no one deserves to be treated that way, or to live like that (I have, too). Many people never get out of these relationships, can't extricate themselves from the "emotional hook".

I think the quote

"Some relationships are like glass.
It's better to leave it broken,
Than to hurt yourself more by trying to put it back together."

applies here--additionally, even if you wanted to, you can't put a relationship back together by yourself! You have the wisdom and self-love to realize that. Sometimes it takes more strength to let go than to hold on, and you have realized that, too.

I hope you can move on knowing that you did everything you could, and that is all a person can do. For all the pain you went through, you can take what you learned in this relationship and use it to help you decide what you will and will not accept in your life, and in your next relationship, when/if that time comes.

Boundary setting is such a huge thing to master, and you've taken a giant leap--so congrats! :)

Hugs if you want them, and much respect for the decision you made.

xx
Phoenix

 

[kacee129]

First I want to thank everyone for the words of encouragement. Now for an update. He had said he would leave on the 10th. I started getting the feeling that he was once again procratstinating so I called him on it. As I thought he had more excuses...he didn't know when the place he wanted to rent would be available, he doesn't know how he is going to get all his stuff back to Vegas etc. I told him point blank that this move has been going on since October and it never happens and that I need a definate date. No more one day after another. I also told him that I would not be the messanger for his costume business and that he will have to find a seamstress in Vegas. Mind you, he hated the seamstress out here, but once she quit, he agreed to pay her more money. But of course all the problems with this seamstress were still there so it was just another thing for him to complain about. Anyway. The date was set for the 15th.

In the meantime, he told me he was planning on asking me to marry him on New Years Eve, but fell asleep. Also that a few nights ago he was planning the same, but chickened out. No way! That will not happen. Now this morning he is going on and on about how now the place he wants to rent won't be available until Feb 1....that he won't have any furniture, not even a bed.
HELLO! He knew all this. I am not going to waiver or fall for this manipulation.

So just wanted to say thank you all again.

 

[EverOnly358]

Kacee,

Wow. I have to say... all that asking you to marry him stuff... that just strikes me as wrong... like you said, manipulation. He's just trying to get you to continue to put up with him. I think you're very strong and you deserve better! You deserve a man who treats you really well and stands by his word. My heart goes out to you during this really difficult time. I hope everything works out for you!

Stay strong,
EverOnly

 

[kacee129]

It strikes me VERY wrong. I have honestly gotten to the point that I don't care what he does or where he goes. I just want him out of my house and out of my life. I've been hearing today that he just wants to die. You know what? I don't care. Do it. Do what ever you want. Have your pity party. I won't attend.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Good for you!

Thank god you didn't listen to the trolls and just stop being selfish and love him more.

 

[The Albatross]

I am responsible for me. They are responsible for them. Unconditional love does not mean being a doormat, a screaming tree or a verbal/physical punching bag just because the object of your affection has a disorder. Sacrificing your own mental health for someone who is unwilling is an exercise in futility.

... you must take care of yourself. Distance will help. If you do leave, you might consider making the following three statements:
1. I love you
2. I cannot be around you while your symptoms remain untreated
3. Get professional help and I will consider continuing this relationship

Bravo Miss Pell, bravo!!! One of the most well said things I've read on this topic ever. Something that everyone in a PTSD relationship needs to keep in mind. Mind if I borrow that and put it in my diary where I can reread it from time to time?