I just don't know what to do... :-(

[Scott88]

I am undergoing trauma therapy and we started EMDR which was a big mistake.. so now we are focusing on the 'here and now' my T has gone on sick leave for a month and I feel soooo exposed.. I have never spoke about the full extent I have never even said outloud what happened to me... but i said a bit before running out of my Ts office a few weeks ago in massive panic. Now my T is away since this happened I feel so exposed.. he has left me after me slightly opening up, I don't know what to do...

Since I has my first child nearly a year ago things have been 'weird' nothing feels real.. it doesn't feel like I have a child and since the birth I have had these horrific images/memories/false memories come up in my mind.. what happened to me as a child... I am so scared anything like this would happen to my child... it petrifys me.. I just want them to love me and me keep them safe.. but what I am concerned about what if my 'memories/false memories are made up? My T is adamant it happened but what if it didn't and it's my f*cked up mind that has made it up. My head is all over the place I don't what to do

 

[ladee]

With your T being gone so long, did they leave you an alternative T to speak with in the meantime.... ?? I am so sorry this has happened and the top of the wound has been knocked off and now you are stranded with all these feelings... Can only suggest if it were me, I would not wait a month to resume therapy.... hope things work out in a way that is best for you... this is a touch place to be in...

 

[Sideways]

For a long time after I first started talking to a T about my trauma, I felt really frightened by the idea that my T was out there in the world with this information about me in his head, completely out of my control. I felt vulnerable, exposed, and frankly, all I wanted to do was run.

It gets better. And there wasn't any silver bullet really, itnwas just a case of giving it time, realising that my story was safe with my T, that it was ok having someone know all this awful stuff about me. It does make us incredibly vulnerable, but one of the things that we get from our T is the experience of having someone actually be trustworthy.

As for not believing yourself? Maybe it's fake memories? That's really common. Hopefully you can talk with your T about this at some point (I've had the "This can't be real" conversation with my T many, many times), because they can help you learn to trust yourself, and your memories.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself, and know that you're doing your absolute best to keep your child safe in the weird and often unsafe world:)