I Just Took The Biggest Step Of My Life. I Cut Off My Father.

[Kas_Can_Fly]

This is different in some aspects but similar in many to the letter I sent to my father and his mother. It reinforces the correctness to me in separating from the family and makes me feel relieved to know through your words that it is ok to not perpetuate negativity and abuse patterns and also to show myself some compassion by looking out for myself.

Also, I'm glad it has provided you too with a sense of relief, that you feel stronger now and that you can move on. I hope that the coming weeks as the dust settles are all smooth passing and that this marks a new and better time in your life. :)

 

[HëllaBubz]

I wish I could have told my mom, in a letter, like yours. But, it was angry f-bomb filled series of phonecalls, on my part, which I released all of my pent-up frustration at her disrespect of my boundaries and transphobic attitude towards me. Bravo!

therisa, if it makes you feel a little better, go look for the thread called My Family Is Intent On Breaking Me.
I guarantee I'm not as cool headed as I look, but at the same time, I RARELY lose my shit like in the conversation attached to that thread.

 

[HëllaBubz]

because even though the aftermath was difficult, I survived it and I'm better off now than when he was in my life. Even though I don't always feel it, it gave me a greater sense of control of my life and allowed me not to live in fear of what might happen next.

That's exactly why I'm doing it.

Interestingly enough, I was reading through my psychiatrist reports for my court case which resolved recently, and I've just noticed that all of them seem to think that I've had PTSD since I was very young, and it was merely in remission at the time of the most recent sexual assault. All of them note symptoms classic of Borderline Personality Disorder directly related to the way I was raised.

It explains so much, and also has put a stop to me doubting myself, because I've had a lot of these symptoms in the past, but they've gone away, now they won't.

But it also gives me a bigger task, one that I will not be able to drop until satisfied.
Who am I, under all of this other crap, and missing developmental blocks?
Will my partner still love me after I find out who the rest of that person is?
Are the parts, when I'm not triggered and upset, the person underneath that he loves?

I'm in real shit if the PTSD parts are the ones that he loves, because those parts I'm taking a damned jackhammer, sledge hammer and shovel to, and I'm not stopping til I find the holes that need to be filled, and build a new person, free of those unstable, shaky parts.

But at the same time, regardless of what changes for me, I'm going to love him to my last breath, and I will fight for him with every ounce that I've fought for myself over the years, and more.

 

[falling]

I just read your letter and have to say that it's amazing and strong. I think your very brave and I loved the fact that you said your NOT sorry for sending the letter. I hope you are able to continue on without any backlash from your fam.

 

[Tanishq]

A brave step The Bubzie. You are going to be healed. No one deserves that kind of harsh treatment which can be very hard for your own life. You chose a wise step. :)

 

[HëllaBubz]

Thanks @Tanishq, it truly was harsh treatment, and I'm so tired of having it hang over my head. I must admit I had really bad nightmares after I sent it, but I guess that's because I'm expecting a backlash and also had to contend with my little sister who begged me not to send it.

But some things need to be done, regardless of whether or not they are understood by everyone else.
It will take a few days, but I'm glad not to have this hanging over my head before my baby shower/engagement party.

 

[Barberian]

That must have taken a lot of courage to write out, and even more to hit the send button.

I hope your family and friends respect your wishes, and this helps reinforce your recovery.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Thanks @Barberian, I really had to dig deep to write it, and I'm feeling a little exhausted now. But I've 2 weeks to recover, and then I'll focus on just chilling with friends, and celebrating the start of a truly new life.

It's truly exhausting not letting rage, anger, hurt and frustration take over, but I needed people to see the cause, not the results. And I was tired of being hijacked by symptoms, so I thought if I wrote a letter that didn't set off my triggers, then it would be a healthy one.

I doubt anyone is going to respect my wishes, but I have the choice of whether or not I choose to answer the phone, door or correspondence, so my next test is going to be learning to teach myself to be consistently healthy.

 

[Tanishq]

I guess that's because I'm expecting a backlash and also had to contend with my little sister who begged me not to send it.

It sounds she cares your place in her family, but you can't let them get your head and give you rough time.

I am glad to know that you have started feel good in your head.

 

[shell]

Congratulations, I was surprised at the relief I felt after making the best decision I ever made. But then 6 months later I felt grief after cutting off my parents, when a friends parents died. The grief didn't happen straight away, but it did happen and still does occasionally.

Don't expect that you will always feel better, I think part of the process also involves grieving that we can never have the relationship with our parents that we always wanted, and deserved.

Beautifully written, I am glad you had your brothers support.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I felt grief after cutting off my parents

I'm feeling it now. I knew I would, and braced myself for it, but it hurts, and the grief and anxiety is overwhelming at the moment.

we can never have the relationship with our parents that we always wanted, and deserved.

I think grief for this will happen regardless of whether or not someone cuts off their parents. But when you cut off your parents, its a very real acknowledgement of the absence, and that is a huge thing.

It is acknowledging out loud, and actioning a loss that has been denied for decades, and actually allowing yourself to grieve for an ongoing loss is phenomenally painful.

I guess I would liken it to dying of thirst whilst being on the banks of a stream that sewage is being dumped into. You know that you need water to live, but you know if you go back, you'll be sick again, and need water even more. A vicious cycle.

After sending that letter last night, then a night full of savage nightmares about my father getting my letter, and still refusing to go away then my sister messaging me begging me not to send it.............I'm so stressed, anxious and exhausted that I can't bring my heart rate down, and I've got diarrhea.

 

[shell]

Maybe switching off the phone, ignoring the emails and not looking at them, or have your partner delete those you don't need to see, and having a nice warm bath to calm yourself would help.

Check your breathing, and your shoulders, I was really surprised at how much my posture was increasing my stress, and correcting something so minor actually made a difference.

Maybe some positive distraction is order.