General I Just Want To Understand

[Angel Princess]

Hi,

I am new to the forum but I have spent the last day or two reading through many of the posts - especially on what to expect as a carer - the thread was fantastic and made me start to think it isn't just me that feels like this.

Let me tell you my story.......I started chatting to a guy a few weeks ago, he was very upfront about his PTSD and told me within about 30mins of starting to chat. We continued chatting daily for a couple of weeks and he did tell me quite alot about himself, when I asked if he was usually like this as he had told me he kept people at arms length, he said "never, there is just something about you". We met up recently, he told me all about being in the forces, where he had travelled, what it was like and then wanted to tell me about the accident which caused the PTSD but started to get upset. I told him I didn't want him to tell me if it was going to upset him but I would like to know when he felt up to it or wanted to tell me. He said he would tell me in time but he was getting upset about it cos he was tired and it played up more then. He also told me about the problems with his marriage, he was cheated on around the same time as the accident, that he was divorced, and how she had treated him.

It wasn't until he left the following morning, when he said he was off to finalise his divorce, (he said he had received the nici about 6 months ago but never applied for the absolute but wanted to do it that day) that I realised just how much he had told me. He gave me a kiss goodbye and said he had stuff to do but he would be back later.

This is where I now need help and advice. When it got to 5.30pm and I had heard nothing I sent him a text just saying how was it all going. I didn't get a reply. About an hour later I text to say was he coming over and yet again no reply. I left it for a couple of hours when it was apparent he wasn't coming over and then text him again. By this time I was just thinking he didn't really want to know me but as I say I sent him a text saying that I needed to know what had happened, that I could deal with anything if he just told me but I struggled with him going quiet on me. I then sent another 5mins later just saying I was worried about him and could he just let me know he was ok please. By this time it was 11pm and he did reply to say "I'm alive. Just spending time alone at the minute. Not talking to anyone sorry" I text saying "as long as you are OK that's all that matters will I hear from you again" and he replied "Yeah you will".

That was the last I heard from him and that was 4 days ago. Now reading what I have today I am not quite as worried as I was but please can anyone advise if you think I will hear from him? Or the best strategies for dealing with this.

Do you think this happened because he told me so much in a short space of time? I am just very confused and any advice would help.

Thanks,
Angel Princess

 

[Jawn]

Angel Princess, at this point just wait. Don't pressure him with more texts, etc. He said he would contact you and he probably will, but only when he is ready. Right now it sounds like he is on overload (for whatever reason) and just needs some time to himself. It is nothing personal towards you. His behavior is not "unusual" for someone with PTSD, but you just have to be patient.

Also, if you have been reading about PTSD and the carer articles you have some idea of what to expect. At this point you need to really think about whether you want to move forward with this guy. I only say this because you will have one heck of a roller coaster ride if you do. Being a carer is NOT an easy thing to do. Once you gain full access to the forum you may want to read some of the carer threads and see what life as a carer is like.

Any way, I don't want to be a party pooper, but I just want to make sure you are realistic about having a relationship with someone suffering from PTSD. Did he tell you if he is seeing a therapist for his condition? It's a big plus if he is and is making an effort to get better.

Take care,

Jawn

 

[Angel Princess]

Thanks Jawn, as long as I know this isn't unusual and it is not personally I can wait. As I wait I will continue reading more articles to help understand more.

I can see from what I have read so far that this is not an easy ride for sufferer or carer but I am willing to give it a try cos I think he is worth it even though I haven't known him long. I am so glad I found this forum as I had no one I could turn to who would understand and I think that makes things worse. For what I can see so far there is so much support for each other and fantastic advice here.

As for him seeing a therapist I am not sure, he has mentioned Dr but we didn't get that far in talking about it as he got a little upset. I am hoping when he contacts me again he maybe able to help me to understand how this affects him, how I need to behave when he is a certain way etc.

Just one thing and the answer is probably how long is a piece of string - when on overload and needing quiet time how long does this usually last?

Thanks for your advice
Angel Princess

 

[amethist]

Hi Angel Princess

Welcome to the forum, and great that you want to learn how all this effects carers and sufferers daily.

Jawn has said most of what other members would tell you. I will just add a few bits to this, as in, this will be a completely different relationship than you will have been in before.

Try and remember not to attempt the therapist side of it, you will not be able to cope with it if you doing the beginning. If he want to talk then thats fine let him, if you can handle it, but don't try and fix it for him, you can't, listening is probably all he needs.

When he does the disappearing act, please don't take it personally, this may be his coping mechanism, from the good as well as bad stress. Hard for carers to understand in the beginning, but an important part of the recovery process for some sufferers. as for how long it lasts, it all depends on each individual, some maybe be only a few hours some may take days or weeks to get back on track.

When he does contact you again, don't bombard him with loads of questions about what he has been doing, where he has been, how he is feeling, let him tell you in his own time. He may also be just taking time out, so you don't see him when he is in down time mode.

Take good care of yourself while you are waiting for him to contact you, carry on doing what you would normally do. See your own friends, go to the places you always did.

I hope it works well for you both, just be aware this is no easy ride, there will be lots of ups and downs, thats why we call it the Roller Coaster Ride. It does slow down and smooth out in time, but it never stops. Growing the skin of a Rhino and learning to have the patience of a Saint is one of my sayings, and it does go a long way to helping you have a good relationship with a sufferer.

Hang in there and keep reading on here. it will help you understand all the crazy different issues that crop up.

Amethist

 

[Angel Princess]

Amethist thank you so much for your advice.

I now know not to ask too many questions when he does contact me. If I hadn't heard from you this could have been a mistake that I did make.

His disappearance did worry me for several days, even when he told me he wasn't speaking to anyone he was sorry and I would hear from him, but after reading the advice on here and hearing from Jawn and yourself I know it wasn't meant personally to me, he is looking after himself and maybe as you say, not wanting me to see him like this so soon after meeting me. I do miss him but now I have the insight I do I will just wait patiently to hear from him.

I wont take on the therapist side, to be honest I dont know if I could, but I can and will listen if/when he wants to talk and I have told him this. As I have said before he has told me a great deal in a short space of time, more than he usually tells anyone and I can see now that this, if it develops into a relationship, will be totally different and new to me but I am willing to try.

I will keep reading the info on the forum which will give me a greater insight as to what to expect and how to be when I do hear from him.

Thanks again you have made me feel much less panicked than I have been this week.

 

[Angel Princess]

I just want to text him, he has been withdrawn for a week today, part of me thinks he don't want to know me anymore, but a bigger part says this is just what happens. As this is the first time I have experienced this I don't know.

After the advice I have received I think it would make things worse if I contacted him and I don't want to make him more stressed than he already is.

I am getting on with my life too but he is always in my head.

 

[jenkins123]

Just really to say I know exactly how you must be feeling, I had very similar behaviour from my recent ex.

This site will help you a lot, keep reading. Give him the space he wants, this is crucial. You may reach a point where it's ok to send him a very simple hug in a text one in a while, others on here will comment/advise on that. I just wanted to offer you these words of support because your guy's behaviour and your stage in the relationship was very similar to mine, and I can feel your suffering.

Take care

 

[Angel Princess]

Thank you Jenkins 123 your words mean alot. I will give him the space no matter how hard it is, I don't want to make anything worse for him.

Sorry things are not good for you either

Big hug xx

 

[winedaisy]

Angel Princess, I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I am also new to the forum and your post hit pretty close to home but not quite. I also have a close friend suffering some symptoms of PTSD. They actually just told me the other night to not take it personally if they shut down. I didn't know how to take it. All the responses to your post have helped me to understand way better.

I know your friend will find you again when he is ready. Try not to worry and just let him come to you. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear winedaisy - he means what he says- 'how to take it' is it's not personal- you are not doing anything wrong at all. It's 'him', not 'you'.

 

[winedaisy]

Hi again Junebug,
I understand. I just know that if that day comes, its still going to hurt.

<Quote removed by Amethist>

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes winedaisy, but if possible try not to expect the worst but to be patient and this sounds odd but 'realistically hopeful' (based on understanding of ptsd), and care for yourself.
Amethist is correct, I believe, and it isn't easy- I'm sorry.