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Deleted member 34561
My poor pooch had major surgery last week. She's now developed a bad infection in the area of incision and I'm not coping. I flipped out at my bloke again and finished with him blaming him for how I'm feeling. We haven't had the easiest of relationships lot of abuse on both sides. No one person to blame but I always end up taking my shit I cant deal with out on him and he does it right back. Well I know I have C-PTSD bipolar type 1 and Aspergers but he is undiagnosed with anything. But if you put me under too much worry and stress in too short a time I go flipping mental. I expected there to be some understandable crap with my little dog having surgery etc but after November a traditionally bad time for me anyway and me and the bloke rubbing each other up the wrong way and Christmas on the near horizon my brain and nerves are well and truly fried. Fricaseed grey matter anyone? Don't forget to add the garlic and herbs lol. I don't want to be an arsehole my whole life and I wish I could cope better when things don't go to plan and the people or animals who mean everything to me need my help and I can't provide that help without great cost to myself. I guess I'm pissed off with this disorder and my resultant limitations because of it. Why can't I do things like so called normal people? I used to be able to do anything and now I can't. Grrrr guess I'm just venting some frustration and angst at myself really. I now know I'm not Superwoman eh. But I wish I was lol. Oh well rant over I've been ranting a lot lately and ranting at the wrong people. Why do I feel everyone is my enemy and out to get me? Even those who have my best interests at heart? Why can't I trust? God I f*cking hate this. I've just always felt so alone even from when I was a baby and toddler. I can remember being in my cot as an 18 month old with a dirty nappy thirsty hungry lonely bored crying my heart out and nobody coming to me to look after me. I know that's unusual a person like us having such early memories but that's always been my curse remembering far too much and forgetting too many other things all at the same time. Like I said before it's truly bonkers. Oh f*ck it all I want is some validation really. I'm going to leave it there coz the tears are starting to fall again. I have ambivalent feelings in that I want a cuddle on the one hand but then I wouldn't trust the person cuddling me or their motives. Aaaaarrrgggghhh it's a f*cking nightmare being me sometimes. Support and prayers welcome especially for my little dog Ruby please. She needs the help more than me. Ha little miss tough cookie talking there again eh. But I have a soft centre. Wish I could open it up without fear of it being mashed to pulp again. Sigh.
