I don't know how to keep going

[SeekingAfrica]

Everything is so bleak right now. I'm unemployed and everything work-wise has been up and down and sporadic for like... 2 years. And so has my health and everything else in my life. My idea of who I am is so shaky at this point. Things have been so hard that I am not sure that I have the strength to do what needs to be done to make them easier. I keep telling my self if I keep going it will be easier, in 2 weeks, in a month, in 3 months. But it got easier for this tiny amount of time and then it blew up in my face even worse than before.

I don't know how to keep cleaning and ordering and planning and taking care of myself. I keep thinking- for what, this is not getting better. I am going to go to therapy tomorrow and I started medication and I am trying, but.... But everything has been hard for so long and I don't know how to have the courage to change things, or the energy. Half of my schedule for the day has things that need to happen today, but that are incredibly anxiety inducing. I need to be on, I need to be 150%, I need to be able to work 14h days and constantly work on change. But I'm so tired after everything and every task is too much. And I need to take breaks. Do task- hibernate until I can move. Do a task- watch youtube and drink tea. Do a task and blow up crying and feeling like SH. And I feel like SH sometimes just for the lack of knowing what to do. I'm so tired of trying to push forward.

I feel broken. I feel out of control. I feel like a chaotic tornado of problems and feelings I can't control. I need order and stability in my life. I need something to keep me going through the week, because doing anxiety inducing phone calls and job applications is just not cutting it. I need silly ridiculous things that would feel good(posting blog, baths, tea and youtube planning videos) so that I can just keep moving forward. I can't afford time for myself if I want change. But I can't afford not taking time for myself if I want to keep going. I'm so tired of this constant fighting with myself over what I can manage and how to cope with my week, with each day. I'm breaking, I'm imploding from the inside out and I can't figure out why am I still trying. I made a countdown of the next 2 weeks, that's how impossible they feel.

 

[Reneprays]

I am so so sorry you are struggling. I understand. I have pushed to the breaking point and let me say, there is a need for self-care.
Even in doing your busy crazy life, build yourself up with truths. You have a plan and a purpose. Things will not always be this way. You can do all the things that are required of you. You are able. Positive affirming words and thoughts. Don't listen to the lies.

Keep up the therapy and any medications the doctors recommend.
You will find, caring for yourself, helps you accomplish more in the long run. An exhausted, tired, stressed out person accomplishes less than someone focused and ready to take on the world. Don't let it trap you into a sea of doing nothing. Make a plan. Write a list of daily tasks, include time to recharge. Start small and build bigger if you need to.

I pray for a sound mind. I pray for peace and strength for you to accomplish all you need to. I pray for a new passion and vision for your future that stretches far beyond your situation right now. I pray that you know how valuable and loved you are. You are created for a purpose. You have all you need and where you find lacking I pray you are supported and grow in great ways.
In Jesus name, I pray for your overall Joy to rise to the full and a knowing that YOU CAN.

 

[Starfire]

SeekingAfrica...this sounds so familiar. Well, said more eloquently then I would have been able to do. You have survived the most horrendous days. You can survive today too. I had to eliminate a lot of what I thought I had to do. They were actually shoulds. I had to think of today only. What I needed to do this minute. Take care of yourself. Post again soon

 

[mamachick]

I could not have spoke this better and it sounds like me a few years ago. You can do the priorities and take care of yourself....you said your health is failing. Just don't let that happen. I am glad you are trying a new medication. I crashed a few years ago and I haven't been able to get up again. Now I have hardly any responsibilities and still can't manage. Just don't give up. Positive thoughts are necessary. Self care is necessary. Our body has a way of telling us that if we don't do it, our engine just won't run anymore.