Sexual Assault I keep talking to my rapist

[im so sorry]

i was raped by someone i had just met about a week ago at a party, he drugged me with xanax and coke and he raped me, i woke up the next day in a fog and felt like maybe i should go to ER and get a kit done, my family knows and so do my friends, the guy who raped me was someone i really liked...so why cant i stop thinking about him?
A couple days after not speaking to him and sobbing over my trauma i texted him which he quickly responded and kept apologizing and apologizing. I didn't forgive him but by allowing us to have conversation it feels like i already did. I had nightmares after the assault about being raped again but after our conversation he said i wanted it, told me when i was drugged out i kept asking HIM for sexual favors? Why dont i remember that? Why did the nurse say i had abarasions and lacerations on my body? Every part of me feels f*cked up and we still text, i still feel like he could be a good guy and its ruining me, im like expecting it to all go away? I just needed somewhere to talk about this I'm so sorry. I dont want to speak to him anymore but part of me feels like i need to.

 

[littleoc]

You don't need to speak to him anymore. He knows what he did, and it was obviously not consensual no matter what else was said.

I fell into a similar trap as a young child. A bit too hard to talk about at the moment, but long story short I evenatually realized that I was feeling bad when my abuser was not feeling bad. He was NEEDing to feel guilty, and possibly using me to feel less guilty. As in, if he had any human in him, the best way to deal with it was to quit talking to him. Eventually I'd be in court talking against him. So. Why act like his friend?

I believe I didn't want him to feel bad, and I haven't quite worked out why yet. But he committed a horrible crime, and is likely to do it again. He needs to feel badly about this one. Even if it feels like you owe him something, even if it feels like you need to support him emotionally somehow.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

It is too early to know if you have ptsd, I believe. However, I will say, that it is common to try to convince yourself that it was consensual or your fault, when it very much wasn’t. In my case, that was an easier thought to accept than what my friend took from me. Then, I fell into yet another trap. And 25 years later I am just now dealing with it. So please, stop texting this person. He drugged you with intentions to do whatever he wanted to do. That is rape. None of it is your fault.

 

[Gs172003]

You CANT consent under the influence. Period. He'll you can't even sign a damn contract much less say yes to that. He knows what he did he just didn't think you'd remember.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @im so sorry.... I'm so sorry that happened to you. Please for your own state of mind.. Stop taking to him.

This creep took advantage of you and now says you wanted it?.. Erm how could you want anything when you have been drugged?. And the fact that you have marks all over your body... This was a violent assault.

If you have the courage report this. Stop him. If you can.. I und

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Understand if you don't want to.

Please get some support, help, care.... And take care of you now.this forum is really good for support, care, wisdom and people who understand. Big big hugs and please take care

 

[shimmerz]

I would say that first step for you is therapy. You don't want these feelings you have right now to 'set in' to your psyche. This is obviously a very complicated and overwhelming thing for you to be sorting out on your own. The sooner you have someone to help you with this, the less likely there will be explosive damage in the future. Best of wishes to you. :hug:

 

[AliciaEff]

I feel like the most important thing to mention is that: it is okay if you texted him, or if you felt like talking to him. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting answers, and even if you still felt attracted to him, that is okay, too. Please don’t tell yourself that you are in the wrong for having completely normal and understandable human feelings.

That being said, you owe him nothing. It’s okay that you have felt the need to appease him, but that feeling does not need to be met with action. If you find that you cannot stop talking to him, or if he won’t let you stop, let us know. I, for one, am more than willing to help you cut this man out of your life. I still want you to know that it is not your fault for what happened that night and there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to talk to him, but please try to not act on those feelings.

 

[User88]

I think you have to be very careful when maintaining contact as it can be a slippery slope. I am still in contact with my rapist 6 months later, I can’t seem to stop talking to him. I don’t know the solution for you, but this is what could happen if you continue talking to him. It’s really bad because I’m so messed up now, I think about what happened every single day.

 

[littleoc]

I think you have to be very careful when maintaining contact as it can be a slippery slope. I am still i...

Have you considered cutting him off cold turkey?

You don't deserve to live that way. He sure as hell isn't your friend

 

[User88]

I have tried a couple of times cutting him off completely, the longest I lasted was about 2 weeks :(
We talk less frequently nowadays, but even so, I know it’s unhealthy having any kind of contact with him.
I’m not sure how to completely cut him out. I don’t even like him, I just feel like I can’t cut off contact

 

[Mee]

Have you tried getting advice from rainn.com or a rape advocacy in your area?