Relationship I Know It's Right, But I Still Feel Loss.

[here4him]

About three months ago, I met a guy with PTSD. He is a war veteran. He was upfront about the illness, he goes to individual therapy and recently started group therapy, and has told me a ton about what happened when he was at war. He says he has told me more than his family or his therapist. When we first started dating and he told me, he expected me to judge him. I didn't at all and we've built a lot of trust over the past few months. He is a really good guy and I care deeply for him.

Over the past month, I could feel him going downhill. A few days ago, he told me it is bad. He has been trying to dig out for years, but he can't do it. He sees the spiral too and is considering inpatient therapy. He said he needs to do something drastic to avoid suicide. At the same time, he doesn't feel like he can be in a relationship and make someone else happy when he can't even be happy himself. Once he gets treatment, who knows. I completely support him in this. I had realized that the way he had been over the past month wasn't something I could live with for the rest of my life so I'm really happy that he recognizes it and is taking the initiative to get help. It is the only way there will ever be a chance for us.

So, I'm trying to make the change from hoping for a relationship right now to being there for him and being his friend while he gets the help he needs. In a few months, maybe he'll be ready to try again. We still talk and will hang out (once I can stop the ridiculous crying). I know this is the right thing for him and for any potential future we might have, but I can't get past the horrible feeling of loss.

 

[celia]

Dear Here4Him,
I know your feeling of loss. How do you become someone's friend when you are in love with them. Isn't love strange how we continue to love and endure, the most painful things. Feelings of rejection (its not you but it still feels like rejection). I think your understanding for him will go a long way. Its rare and hard to find.

He will always find comfort in you, because you are being selfless and letting go for the sake of him and his betterment. I know we wish we can be part of their healing and we are in some ways.

The biggest blessing is that he is seeking help , that's an enourmous step! This shows that he not only cares for himself but he cares for you.

I need to listen to my own dang advice. I get so down about my situation too.
The cheesiest - If you love something set them free, if they return they are yours forever. Its still true.

Much comfort and blessings to you and your man.

Celia

 

[here4him]

Thanks Celia. I just wish I knew what to do. I can't put my life on hold romantically if he is never going to be ready for a relationship. At the same time, I feel wrong dating other people. If I knew for sure he was going to do the inpatient program, I would hold on, not date, and see what happens. I think it would do a world of good for him. While he's gone, I'd work on some issues I have. It would be good for both of us. But, I'm afraid he is going to decide to do something less intensive and not get very good results. He has kids and they know nothing. He has hidden it all from them. He was gone 8 years between war and being stationed thousands of miles away and swore to them when he moved home that he would never leave again. Now, he's concerned that if he leaves for the 90 days, it will negatively impact his relationship with them. He wants to explore all his options. His therapist has been pushing this program for years. I really hope he does it, but in the end, it is his decision. I just know I can't hang on romantically for months if he hasn't made a commitment to an intensive program. But, where do I draw the line? Two weeks? A month? I really don't know. I feel like I'm in limbo and I don't know what to do. I absolutely love him and I'll be there for him regardless, but I just feel so lost.

 

[celia]

Im lost too.. I have so many things to respond on your post but I'm really down today. I've been waiting 3 months. You have to wait as long as your heart tells you to. I know the real meaning of that limbo feeling. Why date? Are other men going to fill the void. Love is love your heart is with him now.

 

[here4him]

I would be dating because I have to live my life. I want a relationship and love and, if he can't give it to me, I have to find someone who can. I will always love him and I'll always be there for him. He is the one I want, but if he can't be with me, I have to move on.