I Know My Life Isn't That Bad.

[Dani328]

I feel like I have a great life. I have two jobs, I go to school, I go out. My friends aren't great, but they try.

My last boyfriend was mentally/emotionally abusive, but I don't necessarily feel victimized or anything. I have a good life and I'm not struggling with things that most people are struggling with, but I feel like I am drowning in my anxiety and depression. I have always had depression, but it's never constant. It's very on again, off again.

Since my abusive ex and I broke up, I cannot maintain a relationship. Idk what I'm doing wrong, but everyone I've talked to has just not wanted anything with me. This got me kind of down, but it was manageable.

My best friend was really supportive and knew exactly how to help me through things. Then he told me that he was tired of watching me date all the wrong guys and that he loved me. Before we could even start really dating he changed his mind. I don't know if it was the fact that yet another guy had bailed on me or the fact that I was so in love with him that I can't bear being just his friend so I don't have him to talk to anymore, but my depression and anxiety has tripled.

I was obviously depressed before, but it's so much worse now. I have never thought about suicide this much. I considered cutting myself since that used to keep my SI down, but all my old scars have healed and I am trying my hardest not to create any new ones.

I'm just kind of stuck right now. I feel really stupid about it all too cause this is all stemming around boys..... I mean I'm depressed even when I'm not single, but all my problems right now are boy related and I feel really stupid.... I just don't know what to do.

 

[Spiderallis]

You're sharing, that's a good start. Being aware of your patterns and what causes what is also a big help in sorting thing out. Writing out or talking through things seems to work quite well, sorry I can't offer more helpful input.

 

[WesternSky]

It doesn't make you stupid. Relationships can be very powerful and painful. Everyone wants to feel loved and valued, and when relationships go south, it can really take a chunk out of your self-esteem. It can be so hard when you feel that nobody will want to be with you, and people telling you "Oh just wait" can be hurtful too, especially when they're happily coupled up! Please keep going. At your school, is there any therapist you can talk to? (Assuming you go to college?) Sometimes they can help you sort out patterns and offer relationship advice. I don't have much advice for you, just empathy and love. You sound very successful in your life and that has no bearing on whether or not you have a partner yet. Take care of yourself.

 

[timid_flower]

I agree with WesternSky, it doesn't make you stupid. It's hard losing someone you love. Especially because it sounds like the guy you are in love with was a very good friend to you. Seems he was there to help you through things and you trusted him.

When you get that close to someone, trust and rely on them for support it is heartbreaking to lose them. It makes you feel very lonely. It may bring up deeper issues like feeling damaged or it may bring up doubt as to whether you'll find someone to love you. It may bring up abandonment issues. It can be very painful.

I would say, don't underestimate your feelings because they are boy related. If you do, it might prevent you from talking about them and working through them.

Just my two cents, hope it helps :)